Kickin’ it With My Homies – The Foolishness Chronicles, Part 4

So yeah, no. Not this hawk. Image via

So yeah, no. Not this hawk.
Image via

“The Hawk.”

That was my homie last week.

For those of you who don’t know, defines “The Hawk” as “What black people call the wind — especially in Chicago.”

So here’s the scene. I was in Costco looking for some seltzer water. I stopped to get a sample of chips and salsa, and that’s where the conversation with an employee ensued. She began:

“Hi, how are you today?”

“I’m fine. And you?” (After this incident, you’d think I would’ve stopped asking that question but whatevs.)

“Well, I’m okay. I get off in a few hours.”

“Oh, good. I bet you’re glad.”

“I’ve been working here for three years and I’ve never dreaded getting off work more than I do today.”

“Really? Why?”

The Hawk. The Hawk is gon’ get me.”

“Oh. Okay. The Hawk? Okay. Is the seltzer water that way or…?”

“It’s so cold outside. I don’t want to leave. The Hawk is out there and he’s gon’ get me while I walk to the bus stop. Then he’s gon’ get me while I stand at the bus stop. Then while I’m on the bus because they don’t run the heat.”

“Oh, that’s terrible. Why don’t they run the heat?”

“I don’t know, but I told my son about The Hawk. He is a police officer in D.C. And technically I live in Maryland, so he isn’t supposed to do anything but he does.”

“About The Hawk? What does he do? What can he do?”

“He calls all around to the train stations and bus stations to make sure he finds me and that I get home before dark.”

“But it gets dark early now. It’s dark outside right now!”

“I have two sons. One is younger, but this one was born in December. He has a birthday coming up soon.”

“But what does that have to do with—”

“I need to figure out what I’m going to get him for his birthday. He is a good son. I also have a daughter.”

“Ma’am, where is the seltzer wa—”

“They just need to make sure I make it to the bus before it get’s dark and that they run the heat. Or else my son will come find them. But The Hawk don’t play.”

“Have a good evening, ma’am.”

I had to get outta there. I ran through “The Hawk” to the car. With some hard bread and some moisturizer. Never did find the seltzer water.

Until next time…

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About Magnet for Foolishness

Resident of the DMV…and my incessant thoughts. Always hungry. Comedy craver. Ice cream freak. Reality TV show junkie. Slightly opinionated. Rarely wrong. Part Lisa Simpson. Part Sue Sylvester. Part Meredith Grey. Renowned chef and baker…avid gardener…pet lover…sometimes liar. Effortlessly forgetful. Always hungry. Blindly hopeful. Easily embarrassed (NOT). Eerily observant. Searching for something. Disregarding parallelism. Chronically tardy. Ruthlessly impatient. Surprisingly affectionate. Unnecessarily long-winded.
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2 Responses to Kickin’ it With My Homies – The Foolishness Chronicles, Part 4

  1. hermitsdoor says:

    A friend took a screen-writing class once. He told me the lesson that he learned was that good sit-com material came when none of the characters actually said anything to the others on the set. In other words, each held a dialogue with him or herself. Thus the banter of two to six people saying something that no one else was listening to or respoding to was funny. Maybe when the Hawk blows hard enough or the heat is not on, no one can hear the others… Of course, with cell phones, no one is listening anyway. Jabber away. At least your jaws will stay warm.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can see that. Sometimes I feel like my funniest life situations come from experiences I had by myself, and the resulting conversations I had to debrief….with myself. Part of how this blog got started…


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