I attended #BlogHer14 in San Jose last week and found it to be a rewarding experience. I learned a lot about myself. For example, I learned that…
I’m probably not a foodie. After I landed, I decided to grab a bite at a Mexican restaurant close to my hotel. I considered myself to be semi-cultured since I vacationed in Mexico last year. But I kinda discovered that I wasn’t. I ordered chicken enchiladas and, since it was National Tequila Day, a margarita. Allegedly, this was supposed to be the best margarita I’d ever have in life. Customer endorsed, waiter approved. I was less than impressed but was still excited about my yet-to-be served enchiladas. Turns out it was more like a deconstructed enchilada. It was a bed of rice, topped with tomatillo sauce running off the sides of the plate, topped with a grilled chicken breast, topped with some cheese that wouldn’t melt. You can never trust cheese that doesn’t melt. I deemed it inedible and moved on to my second margarita. This time I opted for a frozen, blood orange one. But again, I was disappointed. It tasted like a cherry ICEE that you’d get from K-Mart back in the day. At this point I’m realizing that it isn’t even 2pm yet and I’d had two margaritas and no food (although it would have been almost 5pm if I was home on the east coast, so technically it was all good). So I decided to order dessert…you can never go wrong with dessert. Together, the waiter and I decided that the crepes might be the best option for me. Now some might say it was my fault for ordering a French dessert in a Mexican restaurant, but I say it’s their fault for even having it on the menu. The menu said it was a crepe with a scoop of ice cream on top, drizzled in caramel sauce. It was not. It was a tortilla stuffed with strawberry jelly and strawberries on top. That’s what I get.
I am, indeed, a strategist. This is my day job (i.e. the gig that actually pays my bills) so I’m in charge of thinking stuff up and through and over all day, every day. And these skills came in handy when I had to figure out how to get ALL the Glade candles into my carry-on. I heard about the swag you get at this conference, but after I dropped the loot for registration, hotel, and flight, I couldn’t bear to spend any more to check a bag. So I had to strategize to get all the extra stuff into my suitcase. My house will smell like Cashmere Woods well into 2015.
I might not be a strategist. Since they offered free massages and manicures at multiple booths, I got ALL the massages and ALL the manicures. Like those massages were so good, I could barely pull myself together to walk to get the next one. But somehow I managed. I also employed very weak analytical skills in deciding to get a manicure without sufficiently planning how I would retrieve and distribute business cards, text or tweet at my usual warp speed pace…or use the restroom. These are all things one should have a plan for BEFORE getting a manicure.
I could stand to grow my hair out a few inches. Not really, but the Hairfinity vitamins were free so why not? And I plan to use and enjoy them DESPITE the fact that khloe kardashian endorses them (and despite the fact that she was there). I’d also deduced that if I sprinkled all the vitamins throughout my suitcase rather than packing the whole bottle, I could conserve space. I subsequently deduced that this idea was silly so I left them in the bottle and figured out a way to make it work.
I probably shouldn’t start fights in the Swag Swap room. I spun the wheel at the Chuck E. Cheese booth and won a Scrabble game. I LOVE Scrabble but I already have one. So I wanted Trouble. I went to the Swag Swap room and found a lady who had Trouble. But she wouldn’t trade with me cuz she was saving Trouble for her son. Really lady?! I personally think her son could learn a lot more from Scrabble than Trouble but whatevs. I can’t tell you how to raise your kids. Especially when…
I might be a fool. I got two words for you: BUTTERY. NIPPLE. One of the booths was giving away shots so I got one. Then circled the block, put my hair in a ponytail, and got another. I circled the block again, put my sunglasses on and got another. I felt like Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids! They were like “Ma’am, it’s okay if you want more than one shot. You don’t have to keep doing this.”
Images via Giphy.com
After I had a sufficient number of Buttery Nipples, I went back to the Chuck E. Cheese booth and proceeded to play Operation about 19 times. I never won, but I bet that cute Chuck E. Cheese guy remembers me!
But not as big a fool as Sarah Winchester. Bless her heart. I had some free time before I left San Jose so I visited the Winchester Mystery House. Y’all will just have to google her and her house. I can’t dedicate any more of my time to this woman.
I possibly have a girl crush on Kerry Washington. Join the club, right? I’m not a Scandal fan, but there is something about her that has grown on me. I like the way she keeps her private life REALLY private. I mean, she is gangsta with it! As a matter of fact, she is so low-profile I didn’t even know she had braces. BRACES, son. Olivia Pope has braces. Did you know that? Cuz I didn’t. She’s so undercover, the braces don’t even show up on pictures, yo! I went through all the pics on my phone plus all the pictures folks posted on Twitter and the blogs of her as a keynote speaker and there is no trace of braces in any of the pictures. But I KNOW I saw them!
And, as I have affirmed in my previous statement, I continue to be eerily observant. I have never IN MY LIFE observed so many people in such a short time period that were so unhygienic. Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about ANY of the BlogHer conference attendees. I’m talking about the large number of women I witnessed coming in and out of the airport bathroom stalls who didn’t wash their hands. I’m also talking about a man on my flight from San Jose to Chicago that dug up his nose THE WHOLE FLIGHT. And I’m not talking about starting, stopping, looking, starting, stopping, and looking. I’m talking about one continuous dig. A start that never stopped! It was so disgusting and captivating all at the same time. I’m like, MAN, how deep ARE your nostrils?! If I wasn’t so distracted by the vomit I was choking back, I might have been impressed at the stamina of his fingers. I mean, I think I’m pretty mean when it comes to texting, but my fingers could NEVER do what his did…for 3 and a half hours straight.
Since I’ve told you so much about myself and nothing about what I truly learned at the conference, let me try to sum things up here:
- Women’s health issues are extremely important and we HAVE to be self-advocates. Do your own research. Find the right doctors. Make them listen to you. Build a support system.
- We’re all in the same gang. We may be a member of different tribes or villages or beats or WHATEVER, but we’re all bloggers and we all want to succeed. It’s okay that we may have differing definitions of “success”. Let’s support our fellow bloggers in whatever way THEY want to be supported!
- Arianna Huffington is a BEAST with the quotables! As a keynote speaker, she reminded us (women) to always secure our own safety masks first before helping others. Every time I hear this during safety videos on airplanes, now I will think of her. As women, we don’t realize how important this is and how applicable it is to almost all aspects of our lives. (I wish she’d stop letting HuffPo Stan for the kardashians, though. But I digress.)
- Rev. Run is the coldest. He DJed the conference closing party. I want him to DJ my Bat Mitzvah, my wedding, and my funeral.
- Awesomely Luvvie is a real person, not just a cartoon! And she’s REAL awesome! Like #ALLATAHM.
- To be Silicon Valley, Silicon Valley sux. If there was any place in the country you think would be equipped to handle an overload of internet users for three days, it is Silicon Valley. Nope. Could barely text, tweet, or send an e-mail in real time due to the lack of capacity. Tech experts my azz!
- GIRLS RULE!
- BLACK GIRLS ROCK!
If you attended #BlogHer14, what were some of your key takeaways? Shout ’em out in the comments section.
P. S. Who’s going to Blogalicious?
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