6) I’m not a morning person. I guess this isn’t a major confession because who cares, really. But I have been known to wake up to use the bathroom and maybe get something to drink or a light snack at 6am and get back in the bed…when the alarm is set to go off at 6:30. Then get mad when it goes off and hit it one or two or seven times. I’ll never understand why it makes sense to someone that I should wake up at the butt crack o’ dawn, put my foots in shoes, draw on my face, and make my hair look like, I don’t know, hair in order to go to work! Who invented work? And, more importantly, WHO INVENTED MORNING?!
7) Not only am I not a morning person, I’m not a person. I prefer that people don’t talk to me ever but especially before 11am. And I’m dead serious about this. If you have to communicate with me before 11am, please text or e-mail that way I can respond at my leisure. Please don’t put me on the spot by talking to me. It is very hard for me to hear or process or care about what you’re saying that early in the morning if it is in actual “out-of-your-mouth” word form as opposed to “written-down-so-I-can-ignore-it” word form. Unless, of course, you are a boss or future boss reading this…then I am NOT talking about you. I have no problem hearing, processing, or caring about ANYTHING that YOU say! Or unless you’re calling me to discuss lunch plans. Then, for some reason, my mind is very open and receptive.
8) I am not sophisticated. Really, I’m not. But I fake well. I’m rather green and unrefined. Or maybe I should say my palate isn’t sophisticated.** For example, I really don’t like or understand red wine. To me it tastes like breath. Liquid breath. And I don’t know why anybody drinks it on purpose. I also don’t “get” coffee. To me it tastes like burnt. Liquid burnt. Why would I wanna drink some burnt? And lastly, tea. What is it with you people and your tea? Unless my tea comes with a side of shade, I don’t want it! The only time I even consider drinking tea is when I have a sore throat. Everybody offers me these exotic teas with all these fancy herbs and stuff. But you know what EVERY mug of tea tastes like to me? Water. HOT brown, black, orange, green, or whatever colored WATER. No bueno. I’ll stick with TheraFlu.
9) The sour cream in my refrigerator right now is wearing a fur coat. A bluish purple fur coat to be exact. With green polka dots. Not quite sure how this happened, but it did. If your kid needs a science project on the fly, boy have I got one for you! E-mail me for rates.
10) I just put on some pink deodorant. I’m not exactly sure WHY this deodorant is pink because it was white when I bought it. But I also don’t know how long ago that was. But anyway, it had never been used so I examined it thoroughly and, in my opinion, everything else checked out. So I used it. If my armpits crawl off of my armpits and die, we’ll know why.
That about wraps up all my confessions for now. There may be a part three one day but until then, please share any of your previously unshared confessions with me in the comments section.
(**After reading this post in its entirety, I think it is safe to say that the whole of me, not just my palate, could probably be considered pretty unsophisticated.)
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