Being that I’m 33 3/4, I’ve decided that there are a few things that I need to scratch off my bucket list ASAP. There is no way I can turn 34 and not have done all of this. It would be shameful.
1) Drop an iTunes single. Not a day goes by that I don’t question why I went to college. I’m not exactly sure what I got out of it other than a bunch of student loans. (<–This is kinda a lie, but not really.) I shoulda gone with my heart and become a rapper. I got mad skillz, son. My current circle includes auditors, teachers, and congressional staffers. And everybody got a single, yo! I’m like what is MY life like that I don’t have a single on iTunes?! This is what I was born to do…I can drop similes and metaphors like no other. Lil Wayne gots nothing on me. And if I don’t become a rapper, I should at least become a DJ. How does DJ Foolishmagnet sound? Or should it just be DJ Magnet? You can tell I’ve been thinking about this a lot…
2) Go up to a man somewhere (anywhere) and tell him that he looks like my future ex-husband. Let me tell you a story. One day I was driving to work and stopped at a red light. A rather eager, distinguished-looking gentleman (“distinguished-looking”=old) motioned for me to roll down my window. “Maybe this very, very distinguished-looking man in a huge double-breasted suit and a very long Cadillac is lost,” I thought. “He needs directions. Or maybe he wants to let me know that my rear brake lights are out. How nice of him! I should probably roll the window down. You just never know!” So I roll it down. “I, I, I just gotta know…are you married, single, divorced or WHAT?!” Sigh. “Sir, you are old enough to be my great grandfather’s great grandfather. Let’s not do this.” Then I rolled my window back up and tried to ball off, but couldn’t…because the light was still red. So we just sat there. So yeah, one day in the next few months I want to introduce foolishness into someone else’s life for a change rather than it always being introduced into mine.
3) Make it through one yoga class without giggling. Just one! As you may know, I like to do yoga. Every once in a while, I do hot yoga. The instructors are always so serious when they say, “Now we’re going to do ookatasanamammoomaksana shobbybobsina mamasaymamasamumakusa. Some of you may know it as tree pose.” I’m like, “MAN, why don’t you just say tree pose?!” You’re taking yourself too seriously trying to pronounce the real names! Cracks me up every time! If anybody should NOT take themselves so seriously, it’s a yogi!
4) And speaking of yoga, I need to stop eating at Subway. According to the internets, Subway makes (made?) its sandwiches out of yoga mats. Since the story broke that they were allegedly removing the yoga mats from their bread, I think I’ve been to Subway about three times. I keep forgetting. I should be more diligent. Have they removed them yet or nah?
5) Umbrella hitchhike. I got another story for you. Last year when I was at the Essence Festival, I stepped out of a cab and started walking to my destination for a night of exciting performances. It started to sprinkle and quickly transitioned into a full throttle storm. But I was prepared and had a mini-umbrella in my purse. A chick I’d never seen before a day in my life walked up to me, virtually hugging me and said, “I know you don’t mind if I share your umbrella, do you? I just got a relaxer.” I was stunned into silence. As it started to rain harder, I started to walk faster. Then the chick said, “Can you slow down a little? I have on really high heels and can’t walk that fast.” So what did I do? I walked even faster, of course, leaving her to melt in the rain and ponder on her selfish actions. Or umbrella hitchhike some other unsuspecting soul. WHO DOES THAT?! I’ve never even asked a stranger to invade their private space like that, let alone tell them. Actually now that I think about it, that wasn’t very cool at all when she did it to me, so maybe I won’t do this to someone else. So forget I said all of this.
6) Learn how to parallel park a car without having to take all my clothes off. Last story, I promise. I was meeting some friends to go to a comedy show and, fortunately, found a parking space close to the building. Unfortunately, I needed to parallel park to get in the space. Parallel parking, as you can imagine, is not my specialty. So I called one of the friends I was meeting and was like, “Can you parallel park good?” He was like, “Um…is there a car in front of you AND behind you?” I’m like, “Yes. That’s kinda what constitutes the need for parallel parking.” Then there was a long, awkward pause. “You know what, let me try again and I’ll call you back once I’ve started walking.” “Ok, cool!” I took off every coat, scarf, shirt, shoe, earring, turned the heat down, turned the AC up, turned the music off, and rolled the windows down so I could be as unencumbered as possible. It was so crowded in that car and I was so claustrophobic and hot! Parallel parking is stressful! Especially when you’re on one of those skinny, one-way streets. Which I wasn’t, but I just thought I’d throw that in there. Anyway, people walking by were stopping and staring. One dude was walking his dog and he stopped and looked. Great. That’s just great. As if there weren’t enough humans laughing at me, now you go and bring a dog into this. Luckily the comedian was on CP time or I probably would have missed the show.
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