Dog poop to be more specific. We are all sitting here minding our business when somebody’s Lassie-lookin’ dog decides to eliminate very elaborately and enormously right there in the middle of the concourse! It is so unbelievable and disgusting! This dog is accompanying a family that has TONS of bags. They have to drop everything and clean up after the dog while his and their every move is watched and recorded by spectators.
The smell lingers for a while but the visual is at least out of sight, so we all redirect our attention to whatever we were doing before the incident. For me, that means watching the continuous news coverage of the flu outbreak. But suddenly I am distracted again by a set of fraternal twins that walk by. They look to be between two and three years old and they are SUPER cute! Their mom is walking between them holding both of their little hands. And I notice that their pants seem to be a little too short. The too short britches make them even cuter! But then I notice that the back of the little girl’s white pants has a brown spot on it. A big brown spot. A growing brown spot. “OMG!” I thought. “Is this kid poopin’, too? WHY is every mammal within a 50-foot radius of me pooping right now!?” I grab my stuff and retreat to a less populated part of the airport.
I find a relatively quiet corner and hunker down next to a nice, quiet couple. I look for outlets to charge all my electronics while the wife fetches food for herself and her husband. He and I are left sitting there watching CNN. They momentarily switch from panicking about the flu back to panicking about Hercules and the weather-related travel drama in the Midwest and Northeast. They show city after city of people sleeping in airports, making snowmen (and in some cases, entire snow families), and attempting to turn boiling water into snow (watch here). He turns to me and says, “So much for that “global warming” stuff, right?” And he does “global warming” in air quotes and then tries to high-five me. I just look at him. I am so NOT HERE for the climate change deniers, sir! Especially not right now and extra especially not when JUST BECAUSE IT IS SNOWING IN CERTAIN PARTS OF NORTH AMERICA DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE ENTIRE GLOBE, ON AVERAGE, ISN’T GETTING WARMER. THAT IS WHY IT’S CALLED GLOBAL WARMING! Please do not come for me today, old man! All I wanna do is get to Memphis!
Just when I’d had enough of all the fluin’, poopin’, and climate-change denyin’, they announced that it was time to board our flight. FINALLY!
It is actually kind of impressive how quickly we all manage to board the plane. Everyone is seated and ready to go when a dude boards the plane with a carry-on that is stuffed to the brim. I mean, it looks like this dude is moving permanently because he brought ALL the clothes. Why they didn’t make him gate-check that bag, I’ll never know. He tries unsuccessfully for several minutes to squeeze it into an overhead bin. “That bag is not gon’ fit, honey,” the flight attendant says to him. “Well, I can just slide it under my seat,” he replies. “Honey, it is NOT gon’ fit under your seat!” Bless his heart. The flight attendant brings him some plastic bags to unpack his suitcase and place the contents in several smaller bags so that he can squeeze those into multiple overhead bins. As the entire plane watches and waits, he systematically unpacks his old bag and repacks his new bags right there in the middle of the airplane aisle.
Finally, we are ready for take-off! Or are we? The flight attendant announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, there seems to be a slight problem. Um. We…um…can’t find the pilot. Other than that, we’re all ready to take off. But yeah…we kinda need the pilot. Please be patient and we’ll be back with an update as soon as we have one.”
To be continued…AGAIN…