I know we’re still a week away from the real March Madness, but you wouldn’t know it by my daily adventures! I’ve been experiencing a lot of March Madness lately. Or March Awkwardness. Maybe March Craziness? Or Better yet, March FOOLISHNESS! I’ve had a couple of very foolish moments during the first week of March that left me wondering what the rest of the month will be like…
1) A massage therapist tried to kill me. I mean, he FOR REALZ tried to choke me and pull my right ear off. And it felt like he was trying to massage me OFF the table and onto the floor. I had to brace myself to keep from falling off! It was more like a wrestling match than a massage. I kept thinking, “Did I cut this man off in traffic one day and now he’s exacting his revenge?” “Did I kick his puppy?” “WHAT DID I DO to make him want to kill me?” I figured I’d have to die one day, but I never thought it’d be death by massage… I always thought it would be something way more prestigious like death by Blizzard or by cupcake. But anyway, clearly I survived. I couldn’t figure out if and what I should tip him. I mean, it would be like I would be financing my own attempted murder.
2) I tried to kill a spider that was on the ceiling fan. Here are a few things you should remember when trying to kill a spider on your ceiling fan. First, you’re afraid of spiders. As a matter of fact, you’re quite afraid of most bugs so you probably should just call somebody to come kill it. Second, if you decide you still want to take on the monumental task of killing the spider yourself, please remember that A CEILING FAN IS ON THE CEILING. So what that means is that your head will be very close to the ceiling. Just keep this in mind…it will be very important later. Trust me. And third, A CEILING FAN HAS BLADES THAT WILL ROTATE AT FREE WILL if you’re up there acting a fool trying to kill a spider. Let’s just say I’m very happy (and surprised) to be alive to tell this story…
3) I tried to make guacamole at home. I had lunch with some co-workers at a restaurant close to my job recently (I won’t name names but it rhymes with Smosa Smexicano) and I was quickly reminded why I don’t eat there more often. THEY ARE TOO FLIPPIN’ HIGH! I mean $30 for guacamole that might serve 3 people? Get outta here, son! I get the restaurant’s need to turn a profit and cover its overhead, but it ain’t that much overhead in the world! So that night, I went to the grocery store and bought 5 avocados (for $5 total) and the other ingredients I needed for a couple of dollars more. I couldn’t understand what magical pixie dust this restaurant sprinkled in their guac to make it so good, yet so expensive. Well anyway, apparently I added WAY too much cilantro or something because the guacamole tasted like a big bowl of magic marker. So yeah. Maybe Smosa is on to something.
4) I found Cheerios in the washing machine. And lots of them. There are no toddlers that live in my house so I’m not exactly sure how this happened. But there were Cheerios IN the washing machine and all around the sides. So either (1) I’d decided to make the washing machine my breakfast table one day (and I don’t know why I’d do that); (2) I sleepwalk on occasion and put Cheerios in the washing machine; or (3) when my guests tell me they’re going to the bathroom, they’re really sneaking off to secretly put Cheerios in my washer. Those are the only logical explanations I could come up with.
5) I thought I was cute, but then I looked in the mirror. I typically have great hair days because that’s just how I roll (#novanity). But every now and again, I’ll think that I’m having a great hair day and I’m really not. Like, for example, the other day I was walking around like I was cute but then I passed a mirror in the bathroom at work and saw that the curls in my hair decided to do their own thugthizzle that afternoon. Meaning that the ones in the front of my head were curled realtight. But the ones in the back had apparently gone completely flat…a la mullet style. Which is super-foolish because my hair looked great that morning. Anyway, I had been walking around for half a day with a mullet and y’all didn’t even tell me!?
What else are you keeping from me? Have you experienced March Madness yet? I miss you guys 🙂 Share with me in the comments!
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