Please get your nose and your mouth out of my shopping cart!

I long for a judgment-free grocery shopping experience. There have been entirely too many instances recently where I left the grocery store feeling…I don’t know…weird.

About a month ago, I was in the checkout line when the lady in front of me started closely examining (and commenting on) the things I put on the conveyor belt.  She said, “I LOVE Simply Apple apple juice! You know what I like to do to my apple juice?” I just looked at her because I knew she was going to tell me regardless of whether I showed any interest or not. “I like to slice apples and put them in my apple juice.” Um okay. Not exactly sure how I’m supposed to respond to that, but okay. That’s about as exciting as me saying, “You know what I like to do with my water? I like to put ice in it!” But she was being nice. I get it. She was just trying to make conversation. But I didn’t know what to say back…so there was a bit of awkward silence. Which made me feel unfairly weird. I think I finally wound up saying something like, “Interesting. I’ll have to try that.” Which is a lie because even though I drink a lot of apple juice, I’m not a fan of apples. The juice tends not to get stuck in your teeth and gums the way the fruit does.

Same grocery store, separate shopping adventure a week later. The guy bagging my groceries says to me, “You sure do drink a lot of stuff. Do you eat anything?” I couldn’t believe the audacity of this dude! I mean, why did he have his nose and mouth all up in my shopping cart? So what if I had a 12-pack of Pepsi, some apple juice, some cran∙apple juice, some red Moscato, some orange juice, some pink Moscato, a carton of milk, some limeade, and approximately 57 bottles of seltzer water. There could be several perfectly good explanations for this. One is that I order a lot of takeout from restaurants, so THAT’S what I eat and all I need to purchase from the grocery store is something to drink. Another is that I already had sufficient food at home and so all I needed on this particular trip was something to drink. But the most likely reason for all the drinks and no food is that IT IS MY CART! GET OUT OF IT! I CAN BUY (AND NOT BUY) WHATEVER I WANT! This is the same dude that on a previous trip put ALL my groceries in one bag because I guess he thought that was impressive. I had to remind him that since he wasn’t going home with me to carry that heavy ass bag from the car to my house, he needed to spread the groceries out across more than one bag so that I could lift them.

This is perfectly normal.

And speaking of seltzer water, stop judging me when I buy all of it when it goes on sale. It can normally run about $1 a bottle. So when grocery stores have a buy one, get one free sale, please know that I plan to take full advantage. Water doesn’t rot. I mean, it rots stuff but it doesn’t rot itself. So I don’t think its unreasonable for me to want all of it. Everything on the shelf. Everything in the back. Straight off the truck, if that’s possible. I will drink it all one day, right? Stop judging me. You make me feel weird.

Sometimes my cart looks like I’m a contestant on Supermarket Sweep. This was a light day.

And the same with Chobani yogurt. I once (prematurely) proclaimed on Facebook that Greek yogurt tasted like “sour cream and armpits”. People have never let me live that down. But that was because I bought the plain yogurt the first time and tried to eat it unadulterated…no honey, no granola, no fruit. Not a good idea for a novice. Now I know better. I buy the flavored yogurt with stuff in it!  And Chobani (actually all Greek yogurt) is pretty pricey compared to regular yogurt. So when it goes on sale, I indulge. And pretty soon, I’m gonna try Oikos.  I wanna eat whatever John Stamos eats. *In my Uncle Jesse voice*– “Have mercy!”

Have you had any interesting shopping experiences lately?  Do you have any grocery shopping habits that would be considered “weird”? Share with me in the comments.

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About Magnet for Foolishness

Resident of the DMV…and my incessant thoughts. Always hungry. Comedy craver. Ice cream freak. Reality TV show junkie. Slightly opinionated. Rarely wrong. Part Lisa Simpson. Part Sue Sylvester. Part Meredith Grey. Renowned chef and baker…avid gardener…pet lover…sometimes liar. Effortlessly forgetful. Always hungry. Blindly hopeful. Easily embarrassed (NOT). Eerily observant. Searching for something. Disregarding parallelism. Chronically tardy. Ruthlessly impatient. Surprisingly affectionate. Unnecessarily long-winded.
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27 Responses to Please get your nose and your mouth out of my shopping cart!

  1. thisistip says:

    This is funny! I can’t say this has happened to me but it should because my grocery cart is often random as hell. Lol.

    Like

  2. thisistip says:

    This is funny. Can’t say this has happened to me. I’m surprised though because my cart is often random as hell. One day a cashier did ask me about the diapers I was buying and I had to reply “I don’t know. I don’t have a baby” then the assumed it was a shower gift, it wasn’t. So I had to explain I diaper my dog.

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    • Yeah, I’m not good at grocery store small-talk. It usually doesn’t take long to go from being bored, making idle conversation, and asking innocent questions to seeming like you’re nosy and judgmental. Even when I worked in a grocery store when I was a teenager, I would try to let the customer initiate and guide the conversation.

      It can be kinda cool when people offer you recipes, though. Unless it is something like “Add oranges to orange juice and stir.”

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      • Dienna says:

        “Yeah, I’m not good at grocery store small-talk.”

        I’m not good at small talk, period. I’d rather talk when I have something to say, and I feel that those who initiate this idle chit-chat rarely have anything of interest to say. It is hard to smile and nod and pretend to care about what they talk about.

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        • Usually when I stand in line at the grocery store, that is time to read as many tabloids as I possibly can for free! So if you wanna talk to me about whether Jen will get remarried before Brad or if Vanessa and Kobe will ever really divorce, THAT is my kinda grocery store small-talk! That is thoughtless conversation!

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  3. rp1496 says:

    Not judging…but that is a lot of beverages for one grocery store trip…I mean a LOT!!! So just announce that you’re having a party next time…or just don’t reply at all 🙂

    Like

  4. A little old asian lady standing in front of me in line picked up a pack of dried fruit from my conveyor belt and started reading the back. Said nothing to me, just scooped and snooped. I was floored. Like we are in a place literally full of whatever I am putting on the belt, go find an unclaimed bag and back off.

    I feel you on this one, girl.

    Like

  5. Lotte says:

    Yes yes absolutely yes. It’s one thing to casually glance over someone else’s shopping and inside your head ponder why they need 22 cans of chickpeas, it is a very different thing to ask out loud. I have had “do you like bananas?”, because I was buying a lot of bananas. These queue commentators are clearly deduction geniuses. And both I and the bf have had “I don’t like those” at something in the shopping…well umm good job we weren’t inviting you around random person in the queue.

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    • Exactly. The only time you should even care what’s in someone else’s cart is if it is a very suspect combination of stuff…like gas cans and matches. Or rope and duct tape…OR if that person buys all the stuff on the shelf and the store doesn’t offer rainchecks. Then it is acceptable to throw shade on the other person. Unless, of course, that person is me.

      Like

  6. Sugamama says:

    I buy red food coloring and baking spray every trip to the grocery store. I bake a lot and I’m terrified I may need to bake a red velvet cake and not have the red food coloring. I’ve made several trips to grocery stores who didn’t have it. It’s nicely priced at Target. I bought five on my last visit. That was all Target had.

    Like

  7. hermitsdoor says:

    Linda & I take shopping as an Olymic sport, especially our runs into Trader Joe’s in Centerville. We divide up the list and hit different parts of the store, along with bathroom pit stops (given that Tj’s is 1.5 hours from home, usually after a cup of coffe or other liquid along the way). We can fill a cart and spent $200 in 20 minutes.
    Oscar

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  8. This is so funny, I DEFINITELY do this. It just makes sense!

    Like

  9. I once had the people behind me unload my cart for me. It wasn’t to be nice because I had a toddler with me. They wanted to get the hell out of there and I was their obstacle.

    Like

  10. Mo says:

    In the village where I come from, in the remote parts of Kenya, there is only one supermarket and everyone wants to know your business… they would even ask you when you cooking the sausages and why you wanna buy greens in the supermarket when its cheaper in the open air market….its our way of life

    Like

  11. Pingback: Let’s talk about STRESS, ba-by… | Magnet for Foolishness®

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