I don’t know a whole lot in life, but I know this much.

1) Apparently, you should get your air conditioner serviced every year and change the filter in your air conditioner every month. Because if you don’t, it might quit working.

2) If you buy a box fan and run it on the highest level, don’t lie directly in the path of its air flow for an extended period of time. Because it might make your eyes water and then subsequently make them ridiculously dry.

3) You can butt-change a channel on a remote control the same way you can butt-dial a number on a cell phone.

4) Apparently, you can also butt-turn on closed captioning on the TV, not realize for a long time that you did it, and then not be able to figure out how to turn it off. And don’t think that putting the TV on mute will make the closed captioning go away cuz it won’t. It makes perfect sense that it would, though, because if it can’t hear anybody say the words, then how can it TYPE the words, right? WRONG! I started to go in the bedroom to watch TV since the closed captioning in there hadn’t been butt-turned on. But it was much cooler in the living room. (Please refer back to #1 and #2. I got tired of dragging that box fan around the house with me like I was on oxygen.)

5) The lifelong argument over whether to use a ham hock or a turkey leg to season greens is unnecessary. What makes greens good is having GOOD GREENS! Collard greens (in comparison to turnip greens and mustard greens) aren’t that good. IMHO, collards are really just dark cabbage. So it doesn’t matter whether you put a ham hock or turkey leg in them…they’re just dark cabbage with a ham hock or turkey leg in them. And with turnips and mustards, either meat will work because those greens are good all by themselves. #TeamTurnips #TeamMustards #NoCollards

6) Sparkling apple cider is GANGSTA! Once you’ve had it, you’ll never want sparkling grape juice again!

7) Reading is fundamental. I learned two new words last week: eidetic and troika. And I kinda still remember what they mean. Eidetic means having a photographic memory. Just think about the special powers of Superman or Spider-Man or the Incredible Hulk. I think one of them was eidetic. But maybe not. And troika means something like a group of three people who are really important and have a lot of power. Like Randy, Paula, and Simon on American Idol. Only completely different since Paula and Simon aren’t on there anymore. So nevermind.

8) Buttermilk does NOT spoil after four weeks! I was wrong when I said that here. As a matter of fact, it might not spoil after four months. I can’t say for sure. I found some buttermilk in my fridge that had been there for an undetermined amount of time. I opted to shake it up and test it out in some cornbread I was making (see #5…needed a way to consume all that pot liquor. For those of you who don’t know what pot liquor is, go here.) It tasted fine to me.

9) Bras with underwires are our friends! Actually, a bra without an underwire is pointless. You may as well not even wear one. Unless it’s a training bra. An underwire can mean the difference between your boobs looking like this (   ) (   ) or like this [   ] [   ]. I know this isn’t the best illustration, but these are the only tools available to me right now. Go with the underwire!

This may or may not have come out of one of my friend’s bras after she took it out of the dryer. And she may or may not have been walking around with her boobs looking like this ( ) [ ]. What’s that you say? You’re not supposed to put bras in the dryer? Thanks! I’ll let her know ASAP!

 

Those are all the things I learned last week. What new things have you learned recently? Did you know that you were supposed to change your air filter once a month? And that you could keep buttermilk indefinitely?!

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About Magnet for Foolishness

Resident of the DMV…and my incessant thoughts. Always hungry. Comedy craver. Ice cream freak. Reality TV show junkie. Slightly opinionated. Rarely wrong. Part Lisa Simpson. Part Sue Sylvester. Part Meredith Grey. Renowned chef and baker…avid gardener…pet lover…sometimes liar. Effortlessly forgetful. Always hungry. Blindly hopeful. Easily embarrassed (NOT). Eerily observant. Searching for something. Disregarding parallelism. Chronically tardy. Ruthlessly impatient. Surprisingly affectionate. Unnecessarily long-winded.
This entry was posted in Comedy, culture, Funny, humor, Life, Personal, random, thoughts, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to I don’t know a whole lot in life, but I know this much.

  1. Shondriette says:

    A few thoughts:
    1) I love my box fan but I do hate moving it from room to room. I should probably buy another one but that seems silly.
    2) Don’t disparage collards! I love all greens. Also, anyone who doesn’t know what pot liquor is needs a hug and better family.
    3) You could have used that cornbread to make a pan of dressing!

    Like

  2. I was gonna buy a couple of box fans to place around the house, but I decided that it was a better idea to invest that $$ into getting the air conditioner fixed!

    As for pot liquor, I have been very surprised at the number of people who don’t know what this is! When I explain it to them, they say, “Oh, I just thought it was called ‘greens juice’.”

    And as far as the dressing goes, I’ll take that lesson anytime 😉

    Thanks for commenting!

    Like

  3. Melody says:

    In reference to #2, You should have put that fan in the window. It would have cooled the whole house, at least that’s what my grandma used to say. I was still always hot though.

    #4 Ham hocks all the way and I don’t even like greens. #teamnogreens

    #9 Bras with underwire are our friends but bras with broken underwire are torture devices.

    Like

    • That’s perplexing to me…how can the air generated from the fan turn corners and go into all the different rooms in the house? I guess she was saying that if the windows were open, the wind from outside could help the fan circulate the air better? I don’t know…I’m thinking too hard…

      And you are probably the 2nd or 3rd person in my entire life that said they didn’t like greens. I think (hope) that is rare.

      Like

  4. Lotte says:

    As someone who far too often accidentally does things to the remote control I know that feeling well!
    I learned this week that my washing machine has a weight limit, and that if I fill it with towels that equal the weight of a small child it basically turns into a very unfriendly dragon.

    Like

  5. Oh, you are hilarious. I like you.

    #4 lol@butt turned-on.
    Captions are for deaf people and people like me who for some reason want to see what people are saying. See what I’m sayin’?

    #9 I don’t know. The underwire is the enemy. I’ve been bitten by that thing a couple of times in my day.

    Like

    • Thank you. Thank you very much.

      And I see what you’re sayin’. For a while the captions didn’t bother me, but they covered up stuff on the bottom of the screen that I actually DID want to read. So then it became frustrating. And at one point I think they were running across the top and the bottom of the screen! Just hateful!

      Like

  6. RP14_96 says:

    I find that either turkey or ham hock is good, so long as they are smoked! I also think that all greens are good!! I will even add Kale to the mix!! Or cook them without meat at all…but that requires a lot more seasoning!

    Underwire is very important past a certain age, or bra size…when the age and bra size is “smaller” it doesn’t matter as much!

    Like

  7. brennagrimes says:

    Hilarious. Hope my craycray neighbors can’t see me from my open window (I like letting sunlight in). Underwire really is a must, as is washing (but not drying in a dryer) bras regularly. Some people should maybe take note of that.

    Like

  8. The Purple Lady says:

    Sonya, you are just as funny now as you were when you worked in Nashville with us! I’m so glad I receive your postings. Keep up the good work!
    I still miss your sweet smiling face!

    Like

  9. Off The Cuff says:

    Sparkling Peach is “sweet” as well.
    I wish I had Eidetic, it would come in handy.
    Chow4Now
    Sean

    Like

  10. KittaBugg says:

    Dragging the box fan around you’re on oxygen….hilarious!

    Like

  11. cardell says:

    1. Any sort of greens without pork or turkey meat is not going to taste too flavorful.
    2. Agree that sparkling apple cider is “G.” I can’t use the “G” word fully because me saying it would be out of place. cuz i’m anything other than “G.”
    3. And who has a box fan these days? It’s all about the ceiling fans?
    4. And what’s up with you wanting to cook and bake all of a sudden?

    Like

    • I have a ceiling fan in the main bedroom, but not in any other rooms in the house…hence me having to drag it around from room to room. The cost to install ceiling fans in other rooms was better used by putting that $$ towards my A/C repair!

      As for the baking, that has decreased lately because I was eating too much of my own stuff! As for cooking, my budget was taking a hit with all the eating out…so that increased. I have a post coming soon (either here or as a guest post on another blog that I’ll tell you about later) about my baking “adventures”.

      Like

  12. Cardell says:

    I’m looking fwd to readin this future post on your baking adventures! It Ought to be really hilarious!!! Lol

    Like

  13. What new things I’ve learned recently:

    1. Falling asleep to Pandora (without leaving your phone on the charger) isn’t a good idea since it drains all the battery life and will therefore not sound your morning alarm.

    2. After 4 yrs and a Bachelor degree in English, I’m still a horrific speller. (“I” before “E” except after “C”)

    3. I’ve forgotten how to play UNO.

    4. Good intentions don’t amount to crap. I’ve still yet to crack open my GRE practice book, which I’ve had for weeks, for the test now two weeks away.

    Like

    • 1) I’ve also learned that if you accidentally leave your phone in the car overnight during the winter time, the cold will drain your battery.

      2) You are justified. English teaches you more about grammar than spelling. And they are two totally different things. You just have to remember that both the green AND red squiggly lines are your friends!

      3) Ok, so this is NEVER justified!

      4) One thing that helped me when I took the GRE was to get the CDs with copies of old tests on them. I took one practice test and my score turned out to be much higher than what I needed to get into the school I was trying to get into. And with very little effort. So you may already be smarter than you think!

      Like

  14. Pingback: Guest Post: The Top One Reason Why Living By Yourself Sux Sometimes « cilnblog

  15. Pingback: 7 things I wish hadn’t happened this week. But did. | Magnet for Foolishness®

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