Today’s guest post comes from fellow humor blogger and connoisseur of all things foolish, Cheekie! I am Magnet for Foolishness and I approve this message.
So, I’ve been going to the gym lately. It’s been about 3 months since I’ve joined, actually. #TeamFitness and all’at jazz.
Aside from the major benefits I’m getting (feeling better in general, noticing changes in my body, keeping my heart healthy, etc), there is one thing that has stood out from my gym experience: there is never a shortage of characters and thus, never a shortage of stories.
As a writer (for the screen!), I have the uncanny ability to make a story out of EVERYthing (and nothing at all, interestingly enough). Any little thing, I can ball up into my imagination vault and shoot out something that warrants a storytelling.
Naturally, my writer’s eye hasn’t been turned off even while my heart rate is turned up. Even though, I sort of get into a “workout” zone once I turn on that iPod, it’s difficult NOT to notice a few trends.
Anyone who frequents a gym knows that there are certain encounters with certain… types of individuals. And if you don’t know? Now you know. Well, you will know as soon as I get going with the following list of…
THOSE Gym Folks:
1. The Beefcake. You can’t miss him. The name fits, because he surely looks like he’s filled with beef. Buff dinna mug. Surpassing normal levels of fit. He LIVES in the gym. Your gym has one. MY gym has one. I don’t lie when I say he practically lives there because he actually comes at least once in the morning and once in the evening. My sister even made a joke (to him) that he sleeps there. Also, the beefcake usually thinks he’s a personal trainer when he has NANN license/certification. You wanna train me? Oh, you pay the same membership fees as I do? Nah, you good.
2. The Gym Pimp. This guy spends time lollygagging around the gym macking on ladies JUST as much — if not more than — as he spends macking on them stairmasters. Funny enough, the Gym Pimp at my gym is ALSO the Beefcake. It’s like a gym character fusion. Perhaps it’s a BOGO deal. Actual recent encounter with him:
*me putting in work on some misc weight machine*
*he walks over, and I spot him out the corner of my eye and inwardly roll my eyes*
Beefcake Pimp: Hey, can you do me a favor?
Me: What’s that?
Beefcake Pimp: Can you not wear those pants (referring to my leggings) again? You’re distracting me. I’m tryin’ to lift over here!
Me: *busts out laughing* OMG!
Yeah, that happened. It’s the thigh-meats-in-leggings-at-the-gym struggle.
3. The Show-Off. Kevin Hart explained it best. That one gym ninja that makes it a point to make EVERY one watch them do their thang on the weights. Again, Beefcake at my gym comes to mind here. But, there are a few others at my gym who fit this mold, too. I see several big dudes walk back and forth in front of the weight machines HYPED like a mug! I mean, they over there doing their own personal pep rally before they lift a dayum barbell? Oh, ok. I mean, sometimes I can hear a commentator in my head doing a play-by-play of their PRE-game of the weight lifting. I don’t know where they think they are, but it SHOLE ain’t the Olympics.
4. The Do-Everything-BUT-Workout Person. We chicks get accused of going to the gym just to scope out men, and these girls I see SITTING on machines yapping on their phones do nothing to dispel the myth. Because that’s exactly what it is. A myth. I’m here to tell ya’ll that multi-tasking is the answer. YES, I enjoy eye candy at the gym and I’m not ashamed to admit it. But, you know what I do? Scope said eye candy WHILST I’m jogging on the treadmill. That way I’m getting my “rawr” fix AND using the gym for its intended purpose. Learn somethin’! Oh, and for the record, the sitting on machines and yapping on phones? Men do this, too. I seent it.
5. The Grunter. Look. I SOOOOO get that you are straining yourself when lifting weights. But, here’s a novel idea. Try not lifting thrice the pounds you are able to handle, causing you to start speaking in fitness tongues. I swear sometimes I think I’ve been transported to an Ex-Lax commercial with all the grunts. Maybe I’m being picky, but I’d rather my “gym ambiance” be the sounds of running feet and music and not what one would hear in Pops’ (from Friday) bathroom.
Wellll, I think I’ll wrap it up there and lend the floor to you. Rates are low right now so you better borrow the floor while you can! What other gym characters do you frequently encounter? What about any gym experiences you’ve had that were particularly foolish? Let’s burn some calories with laughter!
Love ya like Chicago loves to experience all 4 seasons in one week,
Cheekie is a humor blogger from Chicago. If you want more of Cheekie, check out her blog, Pinch My Cheekie, or follow her on Twitter at @pinchmycheekie.