Guest Post: Fitness Foolishness

Today’s guest post comes from fellow humor blogger and connoisseur of all things foolish, Cheekie! I am Magnet for Foolishness and I approve this message.

This is the type of cutesy gym rat I imagine myself to be.

So, I’ve been going to the gym lately. It’s been about 3 months since I’ve joined, actually. #TeamFitness and all’at jazz.

Aside from the major benefits I’m getting (feeling better in general, noticing changes in my body, keeping my heart healthy, etc), there is one thing that has stood out from my gym experience: there is never a shortage of characters and thus, never a shortage of stories.

As a writer (for the screen!), I have the uncanny ability to make a story out of EVERYthing (and nothing at all, interestingly enough). Any little thing, I can ball up into my imagination vault and shoot out something that warrants a storytelling.

Naturally, my writer’s eye hasn’t been turned off even while my heart rate is turned up. Even though, I sort of get into a “workout” zone once I turn on that iPod, it’s difficult NOT to notice a few trends.

Anyone who frequents a gym knows that there are certain encounters with certain… types of individuals. And if you don’t know? Now you know. Well, you will know as soon as I get going with the following list of…

THOSE Gym Folks:

1. The Beefcake. You can’t miss him. The name fits, because he surely looks like he’s filled with beef. Buff dinna mug. Surpassing normal levels of fit. He LIVES in the gym. Your gym has one. MY gym has one. I don’t lie when I say he practically lives there because he actually comes at least once in the morning and once in the evening. My sister even made a joke (to him) that he sleeps there. Also, the beefcake usually thinks he’s a personal trainer when he has NANN license/certification. You wanna train me? Oh, you pay the same membership fees as I do? Nah, you good.

2. The Gym Pimp. This guy spends time lollygagging around the gym macking on ladies JUST as much — if not more than — as he spends macking on them stairmasters. Funny enough, the Gym Pimp at my gym is ALSO the Beefcake. It’s like a gym character fusion. Perhaps it’s a BOGO deal. Actual recent encounter with him:

*me putting in work on some misc weight machine*

*he walks over, and I spot him out the corner of my eye and inwardly roll my eyes*

Beefcake Pimp: Hey, can you do me a favor?

Me: What’s that?

Beefcake Pimp: Can you not wear those pants (referring to my leggings) again? You’re distracting me. I’m tryin’ to lift over here!

Me: *busts out laughing* OMG!

Yeah, that happened. It’s the thigh-meats-in-leggings-at-the-gym struggle.

3. The Show-Off. Kevin Hart explained it best. That one gym ninja that makes it a point to make EVERY one watch them do their thang on the weights. Again, Beefcake at my gym comes to mind here. But, there are a few others at my gym who fit this mold, too. I see several big dudes walk back and forth in front of the weight machines HYPED like a mug! I mean, they over there doing their own personal pep rally before they lift a dayum barbell? Oh, ok. I mean, sometimes I can hear a commentator in my head doing a play-by-play of their PRE-game of the weight lifting. I don’t know where they think they are, but it SHOLE ain’t the Olympics.

4. The Do-Everything-BUT-Workout Person. We chicks get accused of going to the gym just to scope out men, and these girls I see SITTING on machines yapping on their phones do nothing to dispel the myth. Because that’s exactly what it is. A myth. I’m here to tell ya’ll that multi-tasking is the answer. YES, I enjoy eye candy at the gym and I’m not ashamed to admit it. But, you know what I do? Scope said eye candy WHILST I’m jogging on the treadmill. That way I’m getting my “rawr” fix AND using the gym for its intended purpose. Learn somethin’! Oh, and for the record, the sitting on machines and yapping on phones? Men do this, too. I seent it.

5. The Grunter. Look. I SOOOOO get that you are straining yourself when lifting weights. But, here’s a novel idea. Try not lifting thrice the pounds you are able to handle, causing you to start speaking in fitness tongues. I swear sometimes I think I’ve been transported to an Ex-Lax commercial with all the grunts. Maybe I’m being picky, but I’d rather my “gym ambiance” be the sounds of running feet and music and not what one would hear in Pops’ (from Friday) bathroom.

Wellll, I think I’ll wrap it up there and lend the floor to you. Rates are low right now so you better borrow the floor while you can! What other gym characters do you frequently encounter? What about any gym experiences you’ve had that were particularly foolish? Let’s burn some calories with laughter!

Love ya like Chicago loves to experience all 4 seasons in one week,

Cheekie

_______________________________________________________________

Cheekie is a humor blogger from Chicago. If you want more of Cheekie, check out her blog, Pinch My Cheekie, or follow her on Twitter at @pinchmycheekie. 

Advertisements

About Magnet for Foolishness

Resident of the DMV…and my incessant thoughts. Always hungry. Comedy craver. Ice cream freak. Reality TV show junkie. Slightly opinionated. Rarely wrong. Part Lisa Simpson. Part Sue Sylvester. Part Meredith Grey. Renowned chef and baker…avid gardener…pet lover…sometimes liar. Effortlessly forgetful. Always hungry. Blindly hopeful. Easily embarrassed (NOT). Eerily observant. Searching for something. Disregarding parallelism. Chronically tardy. Ruthlessly impatient. Surprisingly affectionate. Unnecessarily long-winded.
This entry was posted in Comedy, Funny, Guest Post, humor, Life, random, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Guest Post: Fitness Foolishness

  1. I have several foolish gym stories that I can share. The most recent one being how I bought a Groupon for six classes at a cycling studio. Took my first class on a Saturday morning which was part cycling and part yoga and I loved it! Got an e-mail Sunday morning saying that the studio was closing down permanently, no further information available, contact Groupon for your refund. I was like “WHAT HAPPENED!?!?” It was a brand new studio; everything was so fresh and so clean, clean. Still haven’t requested my refund from Groupon because I’m in denial, I guess.

    Another bit of foolishness I used to encounter at my old gym was when people would stop by and stare…for the ENTIRE length of the class…at you while you’re getting into your yoga or pilates positions. I understand a quick study to see if you can do what we’re doing and if you want to join the class, but after you determine that YOU CAN’T, keep it moving. I’m not here to be your entertainment! And even though I’m sure the men were staring for very different reasons, I found it just as creepy when the women stared!

    Like

    • Cheekie says:

      WOWWW @ that Groupon story. I’d be so taken aback and butthurt myself! And LMAO @ the folks using you as a case study or like you an animal at the zoo. A mess!

      Thanks again for letting me visit your spot!

      Like

  2. I hate all of these people…

    I would like to add the ‘Roider. So you’re 34 with acne huh. I’ll compare the ‘Roider to a shark because there is usually a smaller creature following him (or her) around. In lieu of eating the scraps like the fish that follow the shark this creature uses the weights that the ‘Roider isn’t using while moving its mouth to create useless chatter.

    Like

    • Cheekie says:

      Yeah those Roiders are so obvious. A lot of them pace back and forth on TEN… all hype and ish. I be like… WHERE you goin’ tho?!

      Like

  3. NicknotNikki says:

    LMAO!!!!!
    Granted, I no longer work out at the gym, but I might join again so I can get some of this hilarity in my life…

    A BOGO DEAL, Cheeks!?!?!?! BOGO!?!?!? Somethin bout you don’t rock right!

    My favorite:

    The “I’m Too Segzy to Sweat”
    We ALL know that woman that went into FULL transformation mode BEFORE she came to “work out”.. She’s the one with the sassy yaki ponytail and the 3-D eyelashes.. She’s the one with the 10-month old sneakers that still look new because all she does is walk up and down. Nary a scuffmark!! And her shoes are WHITE!? How does THAT happen? oh yeah, Don’t do no damn work!! She’s here to get a smoothie and wrangle a date for the weekend..

    Take yo behind to Jamba Juice and stop loitering..

    Like

    • Cheekie says:

      Girl! There is ALWAYS a story at the gym. Everrrrry time I go. lol

      YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS good addition. I see chicks with full on club gear in terms of make-up and accessories. Only thing resembles “gym” is the clothes. But they totally have on huge Basketball Wives earrings and their face is BEAT to the nines. I be like… do you know where you ARE, tho???

      Like

  4. lol @ The Grunter. Great, now when my 9-month-old son is pooping in his diaper, I’ll be thinking about this post. lol

    ~Chappy

    Like

  5. Cardell johnson says:

    Funny post! Im not sure what category i fall in i guess im close to The Beefcake, except im not all that beefy-im lean. But i do go to the gym often and take up kickoxing and have a personal trainer! Lol. All I’m gonna say is that if you go to the gym you should prepared to work hard. Work up a sweat or just go home! And this evening I saw a chick on the treadmill (barely doing anything) with rollers in her hair. I couldn’t help but stare. What was the point? I’m mean really? Please she’d some light on this ladies! Lol

    Like

  6. * Why have I seen people sitting on equipment straight READING? Not on the bike either, like on the lat machine. Why must I cry?
    *Also, the DD-t1tty guy with his boobs hanging out his tanktop. Just no.
    *The person who comes to the gym and does stuff that could be easily done at home. There was a guy outside my class doing Capoeira, and a woman holding a Discman (yes, this happens recently) doing ballroom dancing. Why?

    Like

  7. hermitsdoor says:

    The latest variation of the “I’m at the Gym but Really Somewhere Else” (to which some of your responders have already eluded) are the Gym Tweeters. They sit on some equipment, but are really just exercising their thumbs, which they seem to do everywhere else to: in the car, at the store, walking on the sidewalk, in a line, on front of the TV, while eating a meal….

    Like

  8. The worst thing is that a lot of times you run into people who are a combination of almost all of these. Run around talking and grunting and never really get much actual productivity in there.

    Like

  9. Pingback: TWO YEARS! | Magnet for Foolishness™

I want to hear from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s