Is there a message in this massage?

Because times are hard and I’m not rich (yet), I decided to put the moolah for my monthly massage membership (try saying that three times fast) towards other, more necessary things. Like, for example, sushi, pedicures, and a crown –>which, in hindsight, probably should have been a root canal. Besides, with the advent of Groupon, you can now get a whole boat load of massages for a nickel.

Picture via everydayfunnyfunny

Anyway, as I contemplated canceling the massage membership, I got to thinking about some very memorable massage experiences I’ve had over the past couple of years. Some of them were at my regular spa, and some were other places. After one of my more recent experiences, I left feeling like I’d been taken on a roller coaster ride…I was so nauseated when I left the spa! This led me to recall a few other memorable massage experiences…

A few years ago, I had my first (and probably last) Thai massage. For those of you not familiar with the Thai massage technique, the massage therapist stands on your back and uses her feet to massage you. Yes. You read that correctly. But I’ll type it again…she stands on your back and uses her feet to massage you. I’ve been told that there are other versions of a Thai massage that aren’t this extensive, but this is the version that I received. Before we began, the massage therapist asked me if I’d like light pressure. Insulted that this teeny tiny woman thought I could only handle light pressure, I said, “No. FIRM pressure!” I wanted my money’s worth. And firm pressure is exactly what I got. This woman proceeded to kick my butt (figuratively and literally) for the next hour. When the hour was up, I felt like I’d been Kung Fu fighting…and lost.

One time after receiving a deep tissue massage, the massage therapist said to me, “I’m not sure what they’ve been doing to you at work, but you need to tell them to stop cuz your body was jacked up! You just made me work really hard.” This is an exact quote! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry…but later decided to laugh to keep from crying.

Another time I had a massage therapist tell me that she wanted to do a “skin assessment” before she began the massage. Even though I thought it was unusual, I agreed. So she turned on the lights(!) and began examining the skin on my back. Then she proceeded to tell me that I had back acne or “backne” as some people like to call it. So I know I can’t really see my back as well as other people may be able to see it, but let me tell you what I DON’T have and have NEVER had…BACKNE!! I went home that night and practically LAID (or LAY(?) since the green squiggly line just popped up under laid) on the mirror trying to find the spots this woman was talking about and found nothing. During this same massage, the woman told me that my hips were out of alignment and if I kept coming to her, she could help me get them re-aligned. So lady are you a massage therapist or a chiropractor? Or a personal trainer? Or a dermatologist?

Last year while traveling with some friends, we decided last minute to get massages at a massage school close to our hotel. I told the student that I’d like a nice, relaxing Swedish massage. But she insisted that a “Trager” style massage would be better. So I conceded, recognizing that she probably needed the practice in something other than Swedish. Besides, I’d never heard of “Trager” and was somewhat curious based on the way she described it. Anyway, as the massage proceeded, I felt like she was making me fight myself. Literally. She was making my right leg kick my other leg. She would also pick my arm up and then just drop it trying to force me to make my body limp! I’ve seen parents of toddlers do this to their child to determine whether or not they were really asleep. But don’t do this to an adult who is clearly awake, woman! I was lying there with my eyes closed trying to be serious and not laugh, all the while wondering if she was laughing at me. This woman also told me that she noticed a difference in my glutes and asked if they felt any different. “Well…um…no…” I replied. She said maybe one buttock bears more weight than the other because “I definitely feel a difference.” Really? Thanks. Because what I needed was to have one more body thing to worry about. Yeah. Thanks, lady.

A few months ago, I had my first four-handed massage. It was a surprise since I didn’t pay for any extra hands and they didn’t tell me in the beginning that there would be extra hands. But anyway, it was weird cuz it was like the second person was trying to help the first person get finished sooner…only I paid for a full hour so whether it was 2 hands or 20, y’all aren’t gonna get finished any sooner! I swear it was the (2nd) most confusing massage I ever got. You remember when you went to the doctor when you were little and your Mama tried to distract you while the doctor gave you a shot? That’s kinda what it felt like; I was being tricked. And there was one point when I felt like they were trying to pull my foot out of its socket. I guess that was supposed to be a part of the thrill? Also, they accidentally dripped some massage oil on my jacket which I called to their attention when I got ready to pay. The chick told me that it was just olive oil and should wash right out. Really? So you just rubbed me down with some Filippo Berio? WORD?!?

Have you ever experienced any of this? Got any other interesting massage stories? Share them with me in the comments section.

P.S. I would like to note that I consider all of these massage sessions (with the exception of the roller coaster ride) to be successful because I survived. And I laughed. 😉


About Magnet for Foolishness

Resident of the DMV…and my incessant thoughts. Always hungry. Comedy craver. Ice cream freak. Reality TV show junkie. Slightly opinionated. Rarely wrong. Part Lisa Simpson. Part Sue Sylvester. Part Meredith Grey. Renowned chef and baker…avid gardener…pet lover…sometimes liar. Effortlessly forgetful. Always hungry. Blindly hopeful. Easily embarrassed (NOT). Eerily observant. Searching for something. Disregarding parallelism. Chronically tardy. Ruthlessly impatient. Surprisingly affectionate. Unnecessarily long-winded.
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32 Responses to Is there a message in this massage?

  1. Terica says:

    Thanks for my morning laugh!


  2. RP14_96 says:

    This was so funny!!! I mean laugh out loud at work funny!! I have not had too many similar experiences. I did have a massage therapist that talked throughout the entire massage…Not sure why and in the course of the conversation, she said some customers think that I talk too much…REALLY???!!!


  3. brennagrimes says:

    I’ve never gotten a massage. Just thinking about someone touching me like that makes my anxiety go out the roof! I actually just got my first mani/pedi last year (yes, I’m 25!) & I hated it. Apparently I don’t like to be pampered? Maybe I’m just used to being poor, haha.


    • You know, I love pedicures and massages, but I’m not a big fan at all of manicures or facials. I really feel uncomfortable with someone rubbing my face because the whole time I’m thinking they are gonna accidentally poke me in the eye. I rarely enjoy facials!

      And I exaggerated a little about the price of massage Groupons, but you should check them out still because they make many things I might have otherwise not done, affordable.


  4. Dienna says:

    I’ve had Thai massage done before and I actually got great results. They would play soothing music, serve water or tea before the massage, had some type of aromatherapy thing going on, and even with being yanked and pulled it was the most relaxing experience.


    • “…and even with being yanked and pulled it was the most relaxing experience” I think this is why massages that aren’t Swedish or Deep Tissue or some combination of the two don’t work as well for me. I want to get as close to sleep as possible and the yanking and pulling won’t allow for that. If I ever try it again (meaning if Groupon offers it!) I will temper my expectations. I’m glad YOU got good results, though!


  5. I’ve only had one massage in my life; my mom had a gift certificate that was about to expire so I got to go. I’m waiting on her expiring Groupons. I’m not paying for one. Suze Orman approves of this post.


  6. Cardell J says:

    This post is hilarious! You must have a messed up body. I’ve never had any massages like those you described. However, my massage therapist told me that I have many stress knots in my upper back. But they work em out! Also, do you really have the therapist massage your butt? I have never been offered that service before. But I imagine that i’d be initially uncomfortable with that. Well I don’t know… I once had a male massage therapist put his knees on the side of my body (on the table) massaging my lower back. He had a boner and i could feel it. Since he was nicely packing, I let it slide 😉


    • Cardell, I can’t believe your comment got through moderation. I started to ask for “G-rated stories only” but for some reason, I didn’t think that would be necessary. I will know better next time!

      As for the gluteus maximus massage, YES, that is a major muscle that needs to be worked out. Maybe it’s more crucial because of the exercises that I do, but it needs to be worked out just as much as the other muscles. I’m surprised you don’t have a need for it given the amount of kickboxing and strength training you do. I’ve had many massage therapists use their elbows to massage the glutes and it was actually more effective than using their hands. I’ve since read more about the different kinds of massages and found that this is a standard practice.


  7. This is out of bounds ,sorry that you meet people like that. I am a massage buff but my massage therapist of 15 years never says anything as stupid as that.. Well, most people would do anything stupid if it’s just for the money and not for hard work.


    • Wow, you’ve had the same massage therapist for 15 years?! Every time I find one that I really like, something happens…either they quit, change their hours and conflict with my schedule, or the word gets out that they’re the best and then they are constantly booked up. My last guy retired and moved away. That’s when I figured it was time to let go of the membership and just catch a Groupon when I can.


      • Yes I have the same one, she lives within my neighborhood. So I get the massage in my own house. I tried hopping from one massage center to another because they all are promising good service which is mostly true. But in my case I prefer someone I trust with my own well being and someone who is honest enough to tell me what is going on with my body. Whew! I feel sorry for your bad experience with those therapists..


  8. Najeema says:

    Girl! This was absolute foolishness. All of it. EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY EXPERIENCE. Thank you for this laugh! I did have a bad reaction to acupuncture massage and ended up having to have an CTScan for a mass of toxins that accumulated on my neck. #noLie


  9. Cherlisa says:

    As I sit here and read about your massage experiences, I can’t help but wonder why you would continue to pay for them! I have had one full body massage in Jackson and it was wonderful. I would suggest you find that one person who is in tune with you body and your comfortable pressure level and stick to that one person. All the body analysis is unneccessary. Lol. These stories were funny in a painful way. I hope that your experiences get better. Side note, any time you go to a school for a massage, hair treatment, (fill in the blank). Its almost never as good as the professional version. IJS


    • Agreed. As I explained to a previous commenter, I’ve tried to stick to one person before and a number of things happened beyond my control (resignations, retirements, etc.) that led me to HAVE to keep searching. I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow and this will be my fourth time seeing this guy; I think he might be “the one”. (Sidenote: If some businesses take a liking to you [and a liking to your money] they will honor the Groupon price for additional sessions…)


  10. Off The Cuff says:

    Here is my experience with massage. Several years back I was in a car accident, there was no blood or broken bones but days after I was almost immobile. The doctor sent me for both physiotherapy and a masseuse for deep massage. Deep massage hurts during and after the massage, she jammed her elbow, knee and palms into my back claiming this would loosen me up. No, I was much worse the next day and many more to follow, I didn’t and would never go back. Well the real reason I would never go back was what happened. She pressed her palms in by back pushing toward my butt and I accidentally farted, (really loud) I not sure who was more shocked; apologizing over and over I couldn’t get out of their soon enough.
    All the best


    • Fortunately, this is something that I’ve never experienced. I often wondered what would happen if I ever did…how I would react and how they would react. I would assume that an extra big tip would be in order, lol…


      • Off The Cuff says:

        Well I can tell you her reaction was professional but she was startled and I’m sure that story still in her inner circles. I hope all your experiences are good ones, and that you never have to give an extra big tip.


  11. I’m sorry you had those terrible experiences but I’m happy to say mine have all been great, I’m thankful because my back gives me problems


    • I’m happy that yours have all been great, Stephanie. I guess if you look on the bright side of those experiences (if there is a bright side), I got a good laugh and it gave me more foolishness to write about!


  12. Jania says:

    One comment you made, “I felt like I’d been Kung Fu fighting…and lost.” It was funny then and just as funny today. I was shocked because that was my first true massage, so I didn’t know how to articulate what I felt. But when you made the comment, I could have literally rolled on the floor with laughter! Yes, Yes, Yes–that’s what I wanted to scream. Ahhh..the memories!


  13. Sumer says:

    The first full body massage I had, I felt so thristy afterwards, like I had literally been in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights! I just stick to massages you get now with manis and pedis. Your descriptions, as usual, are hilarious!


    • Wow…I’ve never heard of that before. I guess everybody’s body reacts differently to massages. I wonder, too, if maybe the temperature of the room you were in or the table you were on wasn’t balanced…


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