Guaranteed weight loss! Follow these 10 easy steps!

Tired of paying for unsuccessful weight loss gimmicks? That Acai berry stuff not working for you? Then try these ten easy steps! This method has proven results and I guarantee that it will work for you as well as it works for me! And this is your lucky day because today and today only, I’m giving these tips away for free! Spread the word!!

Before stepping on the scale…

1) Remove ALL clothes, shoes, and jewelry. This includes nose and belly button rings. This should be obvious but you’ll be surprised how many people don’t do this. You will instantly lose between 2-4 pounds.

2) Use the bathroom. Not sure exactly how much a full bladder weighs, but I’m sure it weighs more than an empty one. So make sure you use the bathroom before you weigh. This could help you lose a pound or two.

3) Clip your fingernails.They’ll grow back next week. But this week, you’re trying to lose weight, right? So clip ’em! You will lose ~.1 pound

Hmm…maybe I should take my nail polish off, then weigh again…

4) Remove your makeup. All of it. Lipstick, lip liner, eye liner, eye shadow, foundation (especially foundation…it’s the heaviest of them all!) mascara, blush, and anything else I forgot. You could lose up to 1.5 pounds!

5) Spit out your gum. .25 pound GONE!

6) If you wear contact lenses, take those out. And, of course, take any and all glasses off (sun, reading, etc.). You will lose up to 2 pounds with this step. You will also increase your inability to see the numbers on the scale clearly. So you could potentially lose 1-10 more pounds.

7) Tweeze a couple of stray hairs in your eyebrows. Hair is heavy. This step will save you ~.25 pound.

8 ) Do not cough, sneeze, or yawn while standing on the scale. You have to open your mouth to do all these things. Air may get in. Air weighs anywhere from 1-4 pounds.

9) If steps 1-8 aren’t working out for you, try standing on the scale on your left leg only. Hold your right arm up to the ceiling. And close one of your eyes (keep the other one on the scale to make sure that the number is dropping). This will shave off about 1 pound. Don’t ask me how I know this…just trust me.

10)  Last but not least, STOP THINKING. Depending on how deep your thoughts are, they can weigh anywhere between 1-6 pounds. As you know, my thoughts tend to be on the deeper side, so this step is especially important for me!

And voilà!! Just like that, you’ve lost anywhere from 10 to 30ish pounds!!

Do you have any weight loss tips to add to this list? What things have worked for you? Share with me in the comments section.

 

P.S. If you decide to try my weight loss method, please report back to me periodically on your progress. I would love to hear the testimonials! 😉

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About Magnet for Foolishness

Resident of the DMV…and my incessant thoughts. Always hungry. Comedy craver. Ice cream freak. Reality TV show junkie. Slightly opinionated. Rarely wrong. Part Lisa Simpson. Part Sue Sylvester. Part Meredith Grey. Renowned chef and baker…avid gardener…pet lover…sometimes liar. Effortlessly forgetful. Always hungry. Blindly hopeful. Easily embarrassed (NOT). Eerily observant. Searching for something. Disregarding parallelism. Chronically tardy. Ruthlessly impatient. Surprisingly affectionate. Unnecessarily long-winded.
This entry was posted in Comedy, culture, Funny, humor, Life, Life plans, Personal, pop culture, random, thoughts, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Guaranteed weight loss! Follow these 10 easy steps!

  1. Cardell says:

    Great Post! On the serious side though–numbers 1 and 2 are essential. Also, weigh yourself at night–although many people disagree with this. If you weigh yourself at night you’ll likely shed some tears over the fact that you gained 2-3 pound eating chinese takeout, lol. Tears are just extra water in your body. A good five minute cry can result in a .002lb weight reduction. Ha. On the serious side–DO weigh yourself first thing in the morning after completing numbers 1 and 2. 8 hours of fasting and calorie burning (yes, your body burns calories when resting / sleeping) may result in being a 1-2lb lighter.

    Like

  2. Torri Fuller says:

    Yes! We finally have it! Suggestions for “immediate” weigh loss that FINALLY work! Numbers 1,2, 7, and 11 (i.e. Crying) are must-dos. For the dedicated and motivated individuals who would like to reach their weigh loss goals today, yes right this moment, here is a step you can’t skip! Are you ready?….

    Step 11: Before you weigh yourself, take a warm shower to wash off the days dirt. The dirt adds .05 to 1.5 lbs. Yes, we all know dirt is heavy. Also, must shave and wax All body hair. If you want to really see the pounds drop, try shaving eyebrows, armpits, legs, and the rest, even trying shaving the hair on the top of your head. You’re guaranteed to lose an additional 2 to 4 pounds, or more!

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  3. I love #10–weighty thoughts–brilliant!
    You could have those unnecessary body parts removed: tonsils, appendix, one kidney…

    Like

  4. RP!$ says:

    These are great tips!! I will remember these at the doctor…another way to keep your weight loss sanity is to not own a scale!! I only get weighed at the doctor’s office

    Like

  5. sugarmama says:

    Not eating two milk chocolate brown cupcakes and not eating a half dozen of Cardell’s french butter cookies that were meant for your children class can save 1-2 pounds.

    Like

  6. Kaymay says:

    I hardly ever use the toes between the little and big ones. I should just lop those suckers off and lose another 1/2 pound! More if I let the wounds bleed out a little!

    Like

  7. spikywires says:

    I think you missed shave your legs. All that hair and dead skin! Ooooh and exfoliate. Losing about a .25 pound there.

    Like

  8. I just found your blog. I have read quite a few of them. The weight loss is histerical. I have a good metabolism, so I can eat all day and night. I did learn try not o eat after 7pm, because your metabolism slows down. For those that must eat something. My favorite are large salads, it takes a while to eat them, but it gives your system a flushing and you dont become lethargic, especially if you are at work.

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    • okay, i know I’m late in responding to your comment, but I’m just now seeing it (bad blogger…*spanks hand*). Thanks for reading my blog posts! And I agree with the salad thing, as long as you keep them healthy. I am notorious for getting a huge salad that consists of a little bit of lettuce, but a lot of meat, cheese, and dressing. Totally cancels out any healthy benefits. Must do better…

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  9. My personal trainer sent me a birthday card with a nude woman lying on her back with her bathroom scale balanced on her feet which were up in the air. The inside said, “All these years I’ve been doing it wrong…”

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  10. soaringdragons says:

    I learned how to lose weight as a youngster when my mother would tell me, “Don’t eat that candy bar before dinner, it’ll ruin your appetite.” Now I eat candy bars, ice-cream, corn chips or anything else before breakfast, lunch, and dinner and shed pounds easily.

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  11. hermitsdoor says:

    In our culture’s beliefs that our experience is universal and eternal, we might expect that women (sorry, this is not so much a guy-thing) have been worrying about weight loss since the beginning of humanity. However, a review of the art and artifacts from various cultures will indicate that our weight-loss anxiety is a relatively new phenomenon. I would point my finger at marketing of products to gain that loss, or otherwise change our appearance.

    Go back to the Impressionist painters. Renoir’s, Manet’s, Degas’ female images were pretty chuncky. Go back to the Renaissance. Botticelli’s Venus is about the only thin waisted image I can think of in a representation of beauty. The rest had some pretty good love-handles. Indian, Persian, Sumnur, Incan, Mayan female images all could survive a famine period pretty well.

    I’ll add #12: Take off you social expectations. And, #13, Unplug the TV. Not only might our image of weight loss become less, but our wallets will become fuller.

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  13. gigi wolf says:

    Apropos the last comment, he’s exactly right! It was a sign of status in the Victorian era to be more zaftig. It meant you were middle-class or even rich, and could afford to put food on the table. And, if anyone cares to read my post on ‘How to Go From Zero To Zaftig In Under Five Minutes’ will see a picture of Marilyn Monroe, who remains the iconic sex symbol at what would be considered plus size today.
    I love the tips for this article, and would add another: Exhale, think yourself thin, and remember that you won’t be worrying about your weight on your deathbed-
    gigi wolf, author of A Woman’s Guide To Everything on ChezGigi.com-
    PS: Got your comment, and would love to exchange links with you!

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  14. Off The Cuff says:

    This topic has been my life struggle for years, I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve been trim but mostly round. I love to experience food, so in my battle to drop weight I’ve resorted to buying various food scented air fresheners for my car. (currently I’m dining on the scent of Vanilla)
    All the best
    Sean

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