So I’m sitting in a local bar on a mellow Sunday afternoon, enjoying my most recent book purchase (Tina Fey’s “Bossypants”) when I think, “Gee, it would be great if my drink had a lime in it.” So I ask the bartender for a lime. She made her way to the container that held the lemons, limes, and oranges, and I noticed that she plucked out the lime with her fingers, put it on a plate, and then brought it to me. And just like that, she inspired my next love letter.
These are a few love letters that I composed to people who have touched my life in a “special” way…
Dear Ms. Bartender,
Thank you for providing the lime for my drink. Though I wonder why you went and picked it up with your hand all crass-like, but then put it on a plate and brought it to me all formal-like? I mean, sanitary implications of the bare-handed grab aside, now you have an extra plate that you have to wash and it’s unnecessary. Also, you should tell your friend Mr. Waiter that when someone asks for ketchup, he doesn’t have to put it in a ramekin (fancy name for little bowl) and then place it on a plate to deliver. Because, again, that is an extra plate to wash.
Dear Mr. (Dirty…or Nice?) Old Man who manages the deli at the grocery store,
Thanks for helping me pick out some gorgonzola. I hope you remember that you told me that if I ate it and didn’t like it, to bring it back and y’all would exchange it for something else. I hope you also realize that that might not make sense because if I eat it all…how can I bring it back? And that little 4 oz. package was so expensive that I might not be able to make my mortgage this month. So please know that I will be eating ALL of it, not sampling it. Expect to see me back in the store next week with an empty package to exchange. But maybe not. I think you may have been flirting with me because I had on a super-cute purple tank top. I can’t blame you; if I had seen me, I probably would’ve flirted with me, too! So I’ll see you next week. Maybe.
Dear Little Miss Checkout girl at that same grocery store,
You had to notice how frazzled I was when I realized that I had left all my reusable grocery bags in the car. So when you asked me if I wanted paper or plastic, and I said paper and you said y’all were out of paper, I didn’t think that was funny. Why would you give me a choice if you knew y’all were out of paper? You did that on purpose to make me feel stupider! It really hurt my feelings. 😦
These are just the letters I wrote last week; I’ve written many others and they are starting to pile up. Maybe I’ll go ahead and mail them…
If you could write a letter (love or otherwise) to anybody about anything, who would you write to? What would you tell them? Share your “letters” with me in the comments section.