Love letters that I probably will never mail. But should.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

So I’m sitting in a local bar on a mellow Sunday afternoon, enjoying my most recent book purchase (Tina Fey’s “Bossypants”) when I think, “Gee, it would be great if my drink had a lime in it.” So I ask the bartender for a lime. She made her way to the container that held the lemons, limes, and oranges, and I noticed that she plucked out the lime with her fingers, put it on a plate, and then brought it to me. And just like that, she inspired my next love letter.

These are a few love letters that I composed to people who have touched my life in a “special” way…

Dear Ms. Bartender,

Thank you for providing the lime for my drink. Though I wonder why you went and picked it up with your hand all crass-like, but then put it on a plate and brought it to me all formal-like? I mean, sanitary implications of the bare-handed grab aside, now you have an extra plate that you have to wash and it’s unnecessary. Also, you should tell your friend Mr. Waiter that when someone asks for ketchup, he doesn’t have to put it in a ramekin (fancy name for little bowl) and then place it on a plate to deliver. Because, again, that is an extra plate to wash.




Dear Mr. (Dirty…or Nice?) Old Man who manages the deli at the grocery store,

Thanks for helping me pick out some gorgonzola. I hope you remember that you told me that if I ate it and didn’t like it, to bring it back and y’all would exchange it for something else. I hope you also realize that that might not make sense because if I eat it all…how can I bring it back? And that little 4 oz. package was so expensive that I might not be able to make my mortgage this month. So please know that I will be eating ALL of it, not sampling it. Expect to see me back in the store next week with an empty package to exchange. But maybe not. I think you may have been flirting with me because I had on a super-cute purple tank top. I can’t blame you; if I had seen me, I probably would’ve flirted with me, too! So I’ll see you next week. Maybe.




Dear Little Miss Checkout girl at that same grocery store,

You had to notice how frazzled I was when I realized that I had left all my reusable grocery bags in the car. So when you asked me if I wanted paper or plastic, and I said paper and you said y’all were out of paper, I didn’t think that was funny. Why would you give me a choice if you knew y’all were out of paper? You did that on purpose to make me feel stupider! It really hurt my feelings. 😦



These are just the letters I wrote last week; I’ve written many others and they are starting to pile up. Maybe I’ll go ahead and mail them…

If you could write a letter (love or otherwise) to anybody about anything, who would you write to? What would you tell them? Share your “letters” with me in the comments section.


About Magnet for Foolishness

Resident of the DMV…and my incessant thoughts. Always hungry. Comedy craver. Ice cream freak. Reality TV show junkie. Slightly opinionated. Rarely wrong. Part Lisa Simpson. Part Sue Sylvester. Part Meredith Grey. Renowned chef and baker…avid gardener…pet lover…sometimes liar. Effortlessly forgetful. Always hungry. Blindly hopeful. Easily embarrassed (NOT). Eerily observant. Searching for something. Disregarding parallelism. Chronically tardy. Ruthlessly impatient. Surprisingly affectionate. Unnecessarily long-winded.
This entry was posted in Comedy, culture, Funny, humor, Life, Personal, random, thoughts, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Love letters that I probably will never mail. But should.

  1. I’d write a letter to the guy who sends out mass “macking” texts like “Hello beautiful! I’m thinking of you today” or “You’re beauty is like this flower, blah blah blah” Then gets caught up when one of the girls ‘replies all’ and busts his game wide open. My letter would say “Dear Mr. Pathetic. I would never date a man whose primary source of communication is texting, and I would certainly not date a man who’s not intelligent enough to come up with better pimp moves. Please remove me from your list.”


  2. anjobanjo22 says:

    Oh my gosh I couldn’t stop giggling! This is such a wonderful idea for a post! Great job!


  3. I don’t know how I found this blog – but I did get a nice laugh. I would write a letter to you!

    Thank you for the laugh – and this moment of delight was done without having to fear commitment, a bill for a diner date, or any awkward moments of silence. You are a bachelor’s dream. Funny stuff!


  4. Marija sKeri says:

    Hahahaha fantastic idea for an entry!! I really do have so many unsent letter for so many every-day people I meet in the supermarket, at the coffee shop, at my old dentist, at my new dentist… maybe I use some of them to share with you here!! 😀 Great blog!! Happy to follow!!! lots of love!


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  6. These had me cracking up!

    I just had a thought to write a love letter to the construction works who wake me up very early every morning this week. I want to thank them for their cras and leud jokes, the way the say good morning to me in unison when I walk to the bus stop, the young one holding the stop and slow sign that always tells me that I look nice and asks “how out here, huh?” and the fat old one, who never tries to hide staring at my bosoms even when i’m looking right at him.

    I thank these men for what they bring to my morning…and for reminding me what the dating pool is like in my city.


  7. agimagamia says:

    jajjaja bueno yo le escribiera una carta de amor a todos mi ex novios diciendoles algo relacionado ah tu fuiste importante en mi vida te ame y luego me fui por buscar un sueño. y le escribiria a mi sueño diciedole te ame desde q apareciste en mi mente te acaricie y ahora devoro los años para encontrarme contigo estoy deseosa por estar junto a ti amado sueño, la gente me critica porque no soy normal porque voy en busca tuya mi sueño amado


  8. Mariella says:

    Hi. I’m thinking about starting my own blog, went on WordPress to check it out, and found your post on introverts and now this one. Very funny. I’m feeling inspired! Thanks. 🙂


  9. hermitsdoor says:

    Letters written, but not sent. Hmmm. Maybe that is were all the personal mail has gone, rather than my mail box. My letter would be to all the solicitations for money that fill my mail box, rather than letters from family and friends.

    “Dear Begging (charitable organization, politician, saver of the environment, et al.)
    Thank you for asking for another $50. I am adding this request to the other 15 that arrived today, not to mention the 10 yesterday, 7 the day before, and 12 on Saturday. I am sure that I will have the $2,200 left over from my paycheck after paying the bills, so you can expect my contributions after the first of the month. By the way, how is the $50, which I sent you at the beginning of the year, holding out? By my estimation, you have sent me an additional urgent appeal every 3 weeks since January. I hope that I gave you enough so that you could cover the cost of requesting more money from me for the year. If not, let me know and I will take a little more out of my 401k for you.”


  10. Dear Person With An Unbelievable Opportunity For Me,
    Do you use the product or service that you’re selling me? And yes, it is important. If you do, did you get a discount? Are you pyramidically motivated to corral me into your flock to recoup your losses? Is the product or service you got better or more reliable because you work for the company that provides it? And if you answer all my questions to my satisfaction, can you accept that I still may not want your product or service? And in conclusion. *click*


  11. Shaneice says:

    I have several letters to write, if it was based on other’s ignorance.

    Oh I can’t wait.


  12. Pingback: What a Wonderful Whole New World | Magnet for Foolishness™

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