Ok, soooo….I finally decided to try my hand at blogging. I imagine there are some formal rules somewhere that I’m suppose to follow…but I couldn’t find them. So I’m making up my own rules.
The name: “Magnet for Foolishness” came to me as I would repeatedly rehearse for my friends the foolishness that I seemed to encounter on a daily basis. Some of this foolishness derived from the most unexpected sources: church; unsolicited conversations with total strangers on the bus; observations of people and occurrences as I walked down the street, minding my own lovely. And a very small percentage of the foolishness originated in my own head…a very, VERY small percentage (wink, wink). As I would tell these stories to people thinking that surely they have similar experiences and thoughts, I quickly learned that I was alone. So, naturally, the only appropriate name for my blog would be “Magnet for Foolishness” since that’s exactly what I am.
The structure: The general format of all my blog posts will usually be (1) an intro, (2) the foolishness (3) an unrelated, random thought (provided that the foolishness wasn’t just a series of random thoughts, which it often will be…) (4) a “deep” thought that I found somewhere from somebody who wrote a deep book, or a deep poem at some point, and I probably never read the whole thing, just plucked out this one particular thought that I liked. So don’t be shocked if you recognize the deep thought from some well-known racist, sexist, atheist, etc. etc. person, because I’m warning you in advance.
The rules: I will rarely deal with anything serious. Very rarely. Life is way too hard, and too serious all by itself. So to the extent I can stay away from any serious topics or anything that makes me have to think, that is my goal. So for now….no relationships, no religion, no politics, no finances. But I reserve the right to change my own rules at any time….since they are MY rules.
Now, for the foolishness…..
….Faces: No face should be wearing red lipstick. Ever. I don’t care what complexion, race, creed, color, or age, you DO NOT look good in red lipstick. Yes…. I mean you. I wish they would stop manufacturing it.
….Fingernails: If we all ban together, we can put French tips outta business! I don’t like them and haven’t since circa 1998….when I graduated from high school.
….Fashion: If you wear bracelets from your wrist to your elbow on one arm, and from your elbow to your wrist on the other arm, you are weird. If you wear rings on every finger (and by every, I mean all ten….from pinky to thumb and thumb to pinky), you are weird.
.…Feet: You will never find mine in Sketchers. Don’t care how cute they are. Don’t care how great they might make my behind look. I ain’t buyin’ no Sketchers. It’s just the principle of the thing….
….Food: I like it. A lot. And I like it the way God intended it to be. Take, for example, whole milk. God did not intend for the world to drink skim milk. I would personally rather pluck out every toenail one by one, stick my feet in a pair of sandals and then walk down the street with them bleeding than to drink skim milk. (courtesy of NeNe Leakes, RHOA)
….Fast food: How you gone NOT have a drive-thru window at a fast-food restaurant (i.e. the Long John Silvers on Leesburg Pike)?? If I have to park and go in, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of FAST food?
….Flavors: Lavender might be my new favorite flavor!! As a color, it’s aight. As a scent, I can’t stand it. But in this lemonade…it’s the truth.
.…Fitness (or Fatness, depends on how you look at it): Did anybody besides me NOT know that a marathon was ~26 miles?? Why would anybody in their right mind (not living in Kenya) run 26 miles….straight through….on purpose? AYKM?!?! I am offended and appalled……
….Fighting: I think the “sport” of boxing is barbaric and contradictory. Never been to a live boxing match, not sure if I wanna go. I’ve only ever watched one fight on TV and that was when Mike Tyson knocked somebody out in the first few seconds of the first round before I had time to get my food and sit down. Then he proclaimed that he was “so messed up” and needed to get his life together….makes no sense to me….why would anybody PAY to see a fight? IT’S A FIGHT!!
….Fetishes: I don’t have a problem with your PDA. I actually rather enjoy it. I would just prefer to SEE it only and not to hear it.
….False advertising: When the apartment sign looks like the The Palms. But the actual apartment complex looks like Marcy….
…..Focus: or lack thereof. I went to Target last week for the sole purpose of redeeming a coupon I had for some free eggs. I came out with a coat. And some body wash.
….Frustration: When the medium is too small….but the large is too big….
….Funny broads: Kathy Griffin is kinda funny some of the time. Joan Rivers is flippin’ hilarious (and super honest) ALL the time! One of my favorite quotes from her (which she may have borrowed from someone else) “Just because it zips, honey, doesn’t mean it fits!” She also said that there is a fourth Kardashian sister that no one knows about….Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, and Klamydia….HA!
….Football: I don’t get it. Yep, I was a Vols fan…when I was there. And a Titans fan (kinda)….when I was there. But now I live in Redskins country….and all I hear everyday, all day is Shanahan this and Haynesworth (former Vol and Titan) that. And never in a positive context. I’m over it. Where my Wizards and Grizzlies at?
…. Fortune and Fame: Maybe one day.
.…Flu shots: I got this bad boy two weeks ago….and it STILL hurts.
….Feelings: I will try hard not to hurt yours….but….
.…Fillings: I’m so far beyond that now….at this point, we’re talking about a crown or a root canal. I need to get some dental insurance up in my life. Quick.
.…Flo Rida: WHY?!?!?
….Flashing: I went to the Paris Hilton/Britney Spears School of Gracefully Exiting an Automobile. So I might need to work on that….
….Facebook: It’s not as fun anymore. I get tired of seeing your RIP wishes to people who AREN’T GOING TO SEE YOUR RIP WISHES. I also get tired of you going off on your baby daddy’ ex-girlfriend….cuz I bet she’s not your FB friend….therefore cannot see you going off on her….
….Friends: Thanks for encouraging me to share my own foolishness (plus all the extra foolishness I seem to attract) with the world! You know who you are 😉
.…Family: Can’t wait to see you guys again at Christmas!! That reminds me….I might need to get my plane ticket….
.…Felines: Sooo….what exactly IS a cat? And why??
.…Forever: That’s how long I’ve had these Express jeans. And how long I intend to have them. I love them and would wear them everyday if I could. I will wear them until they fall off of me.
….For Colored Girls: Actually, what I have to say about this movie has nothing at all to do with the movie, but rather ALL the black people in the movie theater: YOU SUCK. Shame on me for wanting to support “my people” on opening weekend. I should have known better. Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason.
….Foolishness: It bothers me that I’ve had my car for over a year now and still can’t figure out how to play a song on repeat….
….More foolishness: I was in a salad joint in D.C. last week, when I encountered a language barrier between me and the dude fixing my salad. So I tried to explain to him very loudly in English (as if the louder I said it, it would somehow translate into Spanish) that I wanted him to STOP with the dressing. Clearly not understanding what I was saying no matter how loud I said it, he consulted his other Spanish-speaking colleagues. Together, they deduced that I must be saying that I wanted him to add hot sauce to my salad. So he reached for the hot sauce…but fortunately, I managed to stop him before he ruined my salad. So I’ve learned something new….if you’re dealing with a loud black person and you don’t understand what they’re saying, the usual default is just to grab the hot sauce.
….Most foolishness: I heard a rumor that there was a man at my job who wears Keds. daily. on purpose. so, of course, I had to investigate. so I walked by his office a couple of times to confirm. yep. he wears Keds.
Random thought: Wanna know the absolute WORST part of a massage? The drive home.
Deep thought: “There is only one sure means in life…of ensuring that you are not ground into paste by disappointment, futility, and disillusion. And that is always to ensure, to the utmost of your ability, that you are doing it solely for the money.” –Michael Chabon, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
Love and light.