Let’s talk about STRESS, ba-by…

I know I’ve been M.I.A. for a while, but I’m back for a minute so let’s get this party started.

First, do you know what stress is? I do. I’ve had a front row seat to it for the past three months. Stress is when you lose 11 lbs. over three months and don’t even realize it til one day you step on the scale and are like, “WHOA! I lost 11 lbs!” I mean, clearly you were really busy if you didn’t weigh yourself for three months. Then all of a sudden it made total sense why your jeans fell to your ankles when you put them on. I mean, who doesn’t notice that they lost 11 lbs?! Unless you weigh like 311 lbs.

Stress is when you go to sleep and wake up feeling like you got hit by a bus (but in a good way) and your sleep mask is around your ankle, your head scarf is wrapped securely around your thigh, and both of your ear plugs are missing. MISSING. I’ll just leave that right there.

Stress is when you get up and walk out in the middle of a massage because it was so bad. Which is no small feat given that you’re pretty naked. Stress is when you get another massage at a different place the next day to compensate for the sucky one you had the day before and your stomach starts growling during the massage and the massage therapist’s stomach is growling, too, and your stomachs sound like they are having a conversation with each other and then you both start laughing so hard you feel delirious and laugh yourself to sleep and couldn’t be rolled over for the rest of the massage. Stress is when you get another massage at a different “spa” the following week and the massage therapist busts out his CD collection and asks if you want to listen to Michael Jackson or Keith Sweat.

Stress is when you have too many run-on sentences in a post and don’t care.

This is my life. All day, everyday.

This is my life. All day, everyday.

Stress is when that damn TPMS light keeps coming on in your car cuz apparently your tires are suuuuuper temperamental and are constantly underinflated or overinflated but never rightly inflated because they want to make your life miserable. And then you take the car to the shop and they’re like, “Ma’am, did you know you had a nail stuck in your tire?” And you’re like, “Yeah, I saw it but figured if I pulled it out the tire would instantly deflate…so I just left it in there. It’ll be alright…it’s only been in there for a few weeks.” Then they take the nail out and patch the hole up, but a week later the freakin’ light comes on AGAIN. So you go to the neighborhood gas station that lets you get free air and pump all your tires so full there’s NO WAY that TPMS light won’t go off and you dare it to ever come on again! But then you ride around for a few more days and the light doesn’t go off so you take it back to the shop and they’re all like, “Ma’am, who was the last person to put air in your tires?” And you’re like, “Uhhhh…I don’t know…you?” “And they’re all, “The reason your light is on is because your tires are way too inflated. Usually you should have 30-40 lbs per tire…you had almost 80 lbs in this one tire! Do you know how dangerous that is?” And you’re like, “Do you know how dangerous YO MAMA is?!”

Stress is when you haven’t gone to the grocery store in months so you’re piecing together a meal that consists of whatever you can find at that moment that will help you to not die. That turns out to be a handful of sunflower seeds, a can of tuna, some string cheese, a few spoonfuls of Ragu spaghetti sauce, and some pineapple Ciroc.

Stress is when the housekeeper comes in and takes one look around the house and asks if she can pray with you before she gets started. Then proceeds to say a prayer in Spanish.

And speaking of the homie Haysoos Kleesto (Jesus Christ for those of you without a sense of humor), stress is when you roll up to church all suited and booted and the parking lot is empty and the door is locked and its dark inside and you’re all, “What the heck? People don’t go to church anymore?!” And then you realize it’s not Sunday…it’s Saturday.

Actually, now that I think about it, none of this is what stress is. These are all by-products of being stressed. *sighs*

Stress is when you realize you either need to change the first few sentences of your post to match what you wrote throughout the rest of the post or write a new post to match those first few sentences. Stress is when you’re like, “To hell with all of this! I’m publishing this post right n

Posted in Comedy, Funny, housekeeper, humor, Life, Personal, random, stories, thoughts | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments

Foolishness Overload!

This about sums everything up.

This about sums everything up. (Image is not my own…got it out of my Twitter feed.)

 

Hey! Remember me?

Just stopping in to say “Hi” and “I miss you”.

So…Hi. I miss you.

My life has been extra foolish lately so I decided to take a step back from a few things. But don’t worry. I remember everything in great detail so I will have bigger and better foolishness for you when I return.

Until next time…

“Like” me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/magnetforfoolishness

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4 Things I Learned During the 2014 Holiday Season

1) When playing Scrabble SLAM with the fam….wait…don’t play Scrabble SLAM with the fam. And if you decide to, don’t start the game with words like “jump”. Or “very”. Because you can only change one letter at a time, you will be very limited in the new four-letter words you can create. You will wind up sitting there for hours playing a game that you were initially very excited to play and now you’re stumped and bored and annoyed cuz you can’t think of anymore words so you just decide to get another plate of food. I mean, you’re at the kitchen table so why not? Actually, Scrabble SLAM is hard regardless of what word you start with. You wind up bending the rules and allowing ‘words’ like “atim” or “wint” to pass cuz you’re just sick of the game and want it to be over. But also, and this is the more likely circumstance with me, whoever you’re playing with put those words down and were super serious and thought they were real words and you were laughing so hard that you’re incapacitated and meanwhile they SLAM all over your azz and you lose cuz you’re sitting there laughing. There is also a possibility that you will use an abundance of words that may or may not be legit words like “puke” and “barf” because you’re that desperate.

2) Your parents may be hipper than you think. One of my parents gave the other a gift and the tag read “To: Bae, From: Bae” on it. I may have even seen a tag or two that said “To: Boo, From: Bae.” #iDied. They’re clearly more hip than me cuz they use words like “bae” and I still use words like “hip”.

3) Crazy country cuzzins gon’ crazy country cuz. I can’t even type out the conversations I had with them foolz. Same conversations that I have every freakin’ year. Just read THIS. Then print it out and make them read it. PLEASE!

4) If you have Indian takeout the night before your flight out for the holidays, TAKE THE TRASH OUT! Or you will have a very unpleasant surprise when you return home.

Any lessons learned from the 2014 holiday season? Did you make resolutions for 2015? Share with me…

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Kickin’ it With My Homies – The Foolishness Chronicles, Part 4

So yeah, no. Not this hawk. Image via www.abc6.com

So yeah, no. Not this hawk.
Image via http://www.abc6.com

“The Hawk.”

That was my homie last week.

For those of you who don’t know, urbandictionary.com defines “The Hawk” as “What black people call the wind — especially in Chicago.”

So here’s the scene. I was in Costco looking for some seltzer water. I stopped to get a sample of chips and salsa, and that’s where the conversation with an employee ensued. She began:

“Hi, how are you today?”

“I’m fine. And you?” (After this incident, you’d think I would’ve stopped asking that question but whatevs.)

“Well, I’m okay. I get off in a few hours.”

“Oh, good. I bet you’re glad.”

“I’ve been working here for three years and I’ve never dreaded getting off work more than I do today.”

“Really? Why?”

The Hawk. The Hawk is gon’ get me.”

“Oh. Okay. The Hawk? Okay. Is the seltzer water that way or…?”

“It’s so cold outside. I don’t want to leave. The Hawk is out there and he’s gon’ get me while I walk to the bus stop. Then he’s gon’ get me while I stand at the bus stop. Then while I’m on the bus because they don’t run the heat.”

“Oh, that’s terrible. Why don’t they run the heat?”

“I don’t know, but I told my son about The Hawk. He is a police officer in D.C. And technically I live in Maryland, so he isn’t supposed to do anything but he does.”

“About The Hawk? What does he do? What can he do?”

“He calls all around to the train stations and bus stations to make sure he finds me and that I get home before dark.”

“But it gets dark early now. It’s dark outside right now!”

“I have two sons. One is younger, but this one was born in December. He has a birthday coming up soon.”

“But what does that have to do with—”

“I need to figure out what I’m going to get him for his birthday. He is a good son. I also have a daughter.”

“Ma’am, where is the seltzer wa—”

“They just need to make sure I make it to the bus before it get’s dark and that they run the heat. Or else my son will come find them. But The Hawk don’t play.”

“Have a good evening, ma’am.”

I had to get outta there. I ran through “The Hawk” to the car. With some hard bread and some moisturizer. Never did find the seltzer water.

Until next time…

“Like” me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/magnetforfoolishness

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I’m sitting here with a mouthful of butter

Today is the four year anniversary of Magnet for Foolishness…get excited! I thought my 100th post would coincide with this anniversary, but something I wrote elsewhere went quasi-viral (is that a thing?) so I decided to post it here, too, last week. That turned out to be my 100th post. Who knew? But now that I think about it, if you count the handful of bad posts I deleted from the site, this is probably number 104ish so whatevs.

I thought I’d challenge myself to a new activity. The result might not be anything terribly spectacular or even different from what you’re used to reading here, but is something that may help me grow as a writer. You know, become less verbose. Less garrulous. Less loquacious. I could go on and on, but that’s part of the problem. The challenge is to finish this post, soup to nuts, during the time it would take an egg to boil (that is usually about 7 minutes for me). I read about people doing this all the time and I am fascinated by folks who possess the ability to not be long-winded. So here goes…wish me luck! I gotta log off to go to work anyway.

(Ok, so I’m cheating a little because I found the picture before the time started and I also have to say, “Like” me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/magnetforfoolishness and follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/foolishmagnet now so it doesn’t count against my time. I’m dropping the mic at 7 minutes so here goes…)

Artisan bread will murder your mouth. It is delicious, but still murderous. Image via whataboutpie.blogspot.com

Artisan bread will murder your mouth. It is delicious, but still murderous.
Image via whataboutpie.blogspot.com

I bought some cranberry walnut bread from Costco the other day that was really good but I feel guilty for buying it. I need fewer carbs in this house. It was one of those fancy, round, hard loaves of bread. I was probably supposed to keep it crusty, but I didn’t want to break my mouth so I nuked it for a few seconds. Then I put butter on it. Probably shouldn’t have but the lady in the store who was handing out samples did, so I did. But the butter didn’t melt for some reason. It never melted. So now I’m sitting here with a mouthful of butter. That was not the plan. If you do not want to contribute to my Grill fund (if you follow me on Facebook or Twitter you know what I’m talking about), please contribute to my lotion warmer fund. That would be so clutch right now! Friends don’t let friends use cold lotion. I LIVE for Movember. I wish every month could be Movember! But then I googled Movember to make sure I understood what it was and found it was only for mustaches! They explicitly say no beards and no goatees! WTH?! I’m so over Movember. I got a flu shot yesterday that went well until I passed the mirror and saw the bandage that reminded me I got a flu shot. Now the whole right side of my entire life hurts. I mean, my whole life is throbbing. I almost wonder if it would have been better to just get the flu? I’m glad I type fast. I like when people say the word “conundrum”…it makes me giggle. My remote control broke. It somehow de-programmed itself and is no longer compatible with my TV. And I honestly can’t figure out how to work the TV without the remote, so I think I just want to move to a new house. I’m taking next week off. I hope everybody has a Happy Thanksgi

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5 Reasons Why Single People Don’t Want Your Unsolicited Advice About Their Lives

Edited versions of this post were published on VerySmartBrothas 11/13/14 and BlogHer 11/14/14.

If this piece strikes a nerve, it probably should. You’re the “you” I’m talking to. (In other words, a hit dog will holler.) If it doesn’t strike a nerve, good! That means you are self-aware and considerate. But I guess you won’t know either way until you make it to the end, so…keep reading.

I’m sure you’ve read all the recent think pieces, seen the comedy bits full of memes and gifs and watched the recent celebrity interviews related to the topic of being single and/or childless. We singles and marrieds with no kids (or not enough kids for your taste) are tired of the questions about why we’re still single or still childless. We’re tired of the assumptions. We’re tired of the unsolicited “advice”. Because underlying all your questions and condescending comments disguised as concern is the assumption that we want your life. The assumption that you’re the standard by which we should measure ourselves. The assumption that we don’t have a plan for our own lives or disapproval of the plans we do have. Actually, let’s rewind. Let me not speak for anyone but myself. Let me explain to you why I’m tired of it.

1) You’re not being genuine; you’re being judgmental. There is a difference between making conversation and judging. There is a difference between questions like, “Are you single?” and “Why are you still single?” Questions like, “Are you dating?”… “Looking to date?”… “Interested in getting married?” in my mind can be fairly benign if not asked in rapid succession. And they are definitely different from, “What are you doing to put yourself out there more [since you’re not married]?” With this question, you’re being presumptive and accusatory. And rude. You’re insinuating that there must be something wrong with me. Why do I have to put myself “out there” more? Am I doing something wrong by choosing to live my life the way I choose to live it? I’m not doing anything to put myself out there more. Absolutely nothing. And that’s fine with me…why can’t it be fine with you? Can I live?!

2) You’re being pushy. Some people ignore clues. For example, if you’re asking questions and folks respond with one word answers, back off! “Are you dating anyone?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because.” “Because what?” You’re skatin’ on thin ice, slim. Stop being nosy! Maybe I just got out of a relationship and I’m still raw. Maybe I’m in a relationship but just don’t want to talk to you about it. Maybe I’m too busy for your inquisition and don’t have time to engage you. Also, and here’s the most likely circumstance, maybe it’s none of your business.

gif21

3) You’re assuming that because Person X is single, they’d automatically be interested in Person Y who is also single. The assumption that all single people want not to be single and are willing to be set up blindly with someone they haven’t screened is an incorrect assumption. True story: A friend once told me (not asked me, told me) she’d planned to hook me up with one of her husband’s friends, but opted not to because her husband wasn’t on board with the plan. He was concerned that if there was a break-up later, they would be caught in the middle. The problem with her plan is that she never considered whether those who were to be hooked up (particularly me) actually wanted to be hooked up. Don’t I get a say in the matter?

4) You’re assuming that there is something enviable about your own marriage or relationship…and to me, there isn’t. This is my opinion. And when it comes to me allowing others to play matchmaker for me, my opinion is the only one that matters. You may think you have a good marriage, but I’ve observed the relationship you have with your husband/wife…and maybe I don’t want that. I’ve also seen the relationship you have with your kids…don’t really want that either. If you’d be offended by my unsolicited thoughts on your marriage, relationship, or parenting skills, then put yourself in my shoes. If I didn’t come to you and ask you for assistance, take heed. You don’t have the credentials to hook me up.

too many critics with no credentials

 

5) You’re diminishing my overall worth when you place so much value on me being single. True story: I have a “friend” who reaches out about once a quarter to catch up. “How have you been doing?” he always asks. “Great! Life is really good,” I usually say. “Oh? So you found a man?” For real…this is how our conversation goes every time we talk. And one would deduce that the last conversation we had was about relationships. Nope. We mostly talk about our careers. Life is good because I’m happy, healthy, my family is doing well, I just got back from a great vacation, I’m excited about my new project at work, I just got certified to teach yoga/typing/underwater basket weaving/whatever, I successfully baked my first cake without burnt edges, I successfully gave myself my first relaxer without burnt edges, etc. But none of that matters to you. All you care about is whether or not I’ve “found” a man. I might need to stop taking your calls.

In conclusion, I don’t feel the need to live my life by your standards. You don’t know my financial situation. You don’t know my health situation. What if I have a plan and actual goals I want to achieve before I decide to get married or start a family? What if I can’t start a family?

having kids

Maybe I’m still childless because I like taking real vacations rather than just trips, because that’s what happens when you take kids. You’re not vacating your everyday life…you’re taking your life with you to a new location. Maybe I’m still childless because I’ve run the numbers and learned that I can retire a lot sooner if I don’t have kids. Maybe I’m still childless because I like to sleep until noon on Saturdays. Or maybe I’m still childless because I’m still single. And I’m still single because I’m not married…yet. And that’s it. Not always single, just single right now. Get a grip. And mind your business.

 

Until next time…

“Like” me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/magnetforfoolishness

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Posted in culture, friendship, Funny, Life, Life plans, Personal, Relationships, thoughts | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

My Cuffing Season Story

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, “cuffing season” is upon us once again. I know this topic is played out for many, but there are others who are just now learning about it. Stories about its meaning and origin have made the news a lot lately. No lie! They had a special segment with a “relationship expert” and everything on the D.C. morning news last week. Real talk. Did anybody see it?

Urbandictionary.com defines cuffing season as follows:

“During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.”

This 'calendar' is from lessonsfromhappyhour.com. From 2011, but still very accurate (and funny) in 2014.

This ‘calendar’ is from lessonsfromhappyhour.com. From 2011, but still very accurate (and funny) in 2014.

So here is my story.

I’m used to the out-of-the-blue “Sup Lady?” or “What’s New?” texts or e-mails as soon as it gets cold. This year has been no different. I think cuffing season started a little later for the east coast this year because we’ve had a mild Fall. The first message came last week from someone I didn’t know who found me through a social networking site. It went a little something like this…

“Hey.”

[Note: There was a four-day gap between the initial “Hey” and the follow-up “Hey” because I was waiting to see if there would be more, you know, meaningful engagement. There wasn’t.]

“Hey.”

“How are you?”

“I’m great. And you?”

“I hope I’m not bothering you.”

“No, you’re not. Is there anything in particular I can help you with? Or are you just being friendly?”

“Well actually I just wanted to say “hello”. I hope I’m not bothering you.”

“Well “hello” back! And no, you’re not bothering me!”

“Ok. Thank you.”

“….” –> [I thought this was the end but it turned out to be another two-day gap.]

“Well honestly I saw on your profile that you work at the DMV and I wanted to talk to you about getting a license. I’m here on a Visa (B1 and B2) and nobody else has answers to my questions.”

“Ok. So. I don’t actually work at the DMV, I work and live in the DMV. DMV = D.C., Maryland, and Virginia. Not Department of Motor Vehicles.”

“Oh ok. I did not know that. I am new to this area.”

“No problem. Now that you’re here, you’ll hear that term a lot. Good luck to you!”

“Thank you. I’m really sorry that I bothered you.”

Ok. So yeah, no. Not a cuffing season story at all, actually.

Until next time…

“Like” me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/magnetforfoolishness

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