31 Things I’ve Learned Over the Past 31 Years

A week or so ago, a link to this article, Survey: Women Most Beautiful at 31, showed up in my Twitter timeline. I can only assume that since this article (which doesn’t appear to be terribly scientifical) was published over a year ago and is now resurfacing, this must be a sign that I should release this post I’ve been sitting on…

Last summer after turning 30, I wrote a “Note” on Facebook called Declarations, Observations, and Revelations: 30 Things I’ve Learned Over the Past 30 Years. I won’t duplicate that list here because I might need to recycle that material one day when I have writer’s block but I will recycle the idea.

1) If you’re gonna talk smack, be able to back it up…or at least be able to run fast.

2) Round-abouts were invented for the sole purpose of making my life miserable.

3) So was the “word” conversate.

4) DO NOT [I repeat] DO NOT under any circumstances put on lotion right before yoga class. This is the only time in life where being ashy is probably safer.

5) There ARE three sides to every story: One side, the other side, and the TRUTH. Realer words have never been spoken.

6) Most home exercise equipment actually works if you use it for more than nine seconds.

7) Gray hair is beautiful! It’s God’s natural highlights. Don’t fight it! Just go with it…

8 ) Jeans can go from being flattering to being flattening in just one letter.

9) If your car is on “E” and you by-pass several gas stations on the way to church, don’t think that the Lord is gonna allow you to make it to church JUST BECAUSE it’s church. He will probably use this opportunity to teach your dumb butt a lesson.

10)  If you’re headed out the door and you decide that your clothes might be a little more wrinkled than what is typically acceptable by society’s standards, you should take your clothes off and THEN iron them. It’s okay to try and touch them up while you’re still wearing them when you’re 30…but when you’re 31 that’s just silly.

11)  While many consider it rude to show up to someone’s party early, it should be considered equally as rude to show up on time. I mean, WHO DOES THAT?!

12)  And BTW, there is nothing wrong with making and serving a box cake, or offering it as a gift or contribution to meal or party. NOTHING AT ALL. They often taste better than the ‘from scratch’ cakes.

13)   It’s probably NOT a good idea to walk while trying to light a candle. You should light the candle before you depart your destination or, better yet, after you arrive. Unintentional house fires are never sexy.

14)  Always, always, ALWAYS remember to put the key guard on when your cell phone is not in use. You wouldn’t want to accidentally dial someone and have their voicemail record you singing the Golden Girls theme song to the top of your lungs.

15)  You can say any and everything you want to say about anybody as long as you start or end the sentence with “Bless his/her/their heart(s).” Especially damning statements should probably start AND end with a blessing of the heart.

16)  People are either very busy or very impatient (or both) and would rather not sit through 31 random thoughts. So how about we cut it off at the halfway point?

What are some valuable things you’ve learned over the course of your lifetime? Share them with me in the comments section.