I’m feeling rather “Aubrey” these days.

Yeah. THIS guy.
Image from drake crying Tumblr

And by Aubrey, I mean Drake. And by Drake, I mean emo. I suspect it’s because I’m rapidly approaching my next birthday. And just like in year’s past, in the month leading up to my birthday, I usually get pretty emotional. I can usually find something (anything) to make me mad/sad/disturbed/distraught/confused or some other inappropriate emotion.

For the past several weeks, I’ve been on what seems like a never-ending roller coaster of emotion. I mean, EVERYTHING is dumb or annoying or life-altering at times, when it shouldn’t be. Take for example, right now. I am *so* upset that I washed ALL my casual jackets today and hung them up to dry, not thinking that none of them would be dry for at least another day or two. Also not factoring in that it might get cold again…which it has. So now I have to wear really fancy jackets that out-fance the rest of my outfit, or a heavy coat, or nothing at all.

I thought about shopping for a new jacket, but I’m scared to leave the house for too long. Wanna know why? Because everybody sneezes and doesn’t cover their mouth! I mean, for realz…THE NEXT PERSON WHO SNEEZES OR COUGHS WITHIN A TEN FOOT RADIUS OF ME AND DOESN’T COVER HIS/HER MOUTH, I’M BODY-SLAMMING YOU! And then I’m punching some Claritin or some Robitussin down your throat. Consider yourself warned!

Last week when I was driving into the office, traffic was so bad that I cried. I mean I literally cried. Like boohooed like I just left a funeral-cried. But my mascara didn’t run though (that’s likely because I forgot to put any on that day, but I digress). I felt so trapped and so NOT in control of the situation. It SUCKED! And I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back because traffic had been terribler than usual everyday that week. I guess I couldn’t take it anymore. And I know that I could always take the train, but I’m scared to do that, too, for fear that THIS might happen again. (On a totally unrelated note, sometimes I cry when I hear Future on the radio. And he is on EVERYBODY’S song right now. I guess autotune=autocry.)

Also I feel some kinda way about incessant adult selfies, food pics, and exclamation point usage on Facebook and Twitter. I mean, is Scandal THAT good that you have to take a picture of your “sleepy face” when you wake up Thursday morning in anticipation of Scandal coming on that night, (post it to Facebook) THEN take a picture of your “surprised face” about something that was totally predictable to me but apparently was a huge shock to you (post it to Facebook) and THEN take a picture of your “chewing face” plus whatever food you’re eating during Scandal that inexplicably looks like something gourmet to you, but looks like something regurgitated to everybody else (post it to Facebook)? And THEN update your status to say, “OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t believe Olivia Pope and Huck and Cyrus and blahblahblah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the best show in the history of life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am DYING right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus, be a fence around my phone so it doesn’t ring while Scandal is on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please play re-runs of Scandal at my funeral!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #Scandal #OliviaPope #Gladiator #OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I’m sorry. I’m just not about that exclamation point life. I’m not about that selfie life. And I’m certainly not about that food pic life. Y’all seriously give me indigestion doing this. Like seriously. I think it’s time for another Facebook and Twitter fast.

See. Emo.

I think I need a hug.

And a nap.

And maybe a Blizzard.

Welcome to March Madness!

I know we’re still a week away from the real March Madness, but you wouldn’t know it by my daily adventures! I’ve been experiencing a lot of March Madness lately. Or March Awkwardness. Maybe March Craziness? Or Better yet, March FOOLISHNESS! I’ve had a couple of very foolish moments during the first week of March that left me wondering what the rest of the month will be like…

#ThatFoolishMomentWhen…

1) A massage therapist tried to kill me. I mean, he FOR REALZ tried to choke me and pull my right ear off. And it felt like he was trying to massage me OFF the table and onto the floor. I had to brace myself to keep from falling off! It was more like a wrestling match than a massage. I kept thinking, “Did I cut this man off in traffic one day and now he’s exacting his revenge?” “Did I kick his puppy?” “WHAT DID I DO to make him want to kill me?” I figured I’d have to die one day, but I never thought it’d be death by massage… I always thought it would be something way more prestigious like death by Blizzard or by cupcake. But anyway, clearly I survived. I couldn’t figure out if and what I should tip him. I mean, it would be like I would be financing my own attempted murder.

2) I tried to kill a spider that was on the ceiling fan. Here are a few things you should remember when trying to kill a spider on your ceiling fan. First, you’re afraid of spiders. As a matter of fact, you’re quite afraid of most bugs so you probably should just call somebody to come kill it. Second, if you decide you still want to take on the monumental task of killing the spider yourself, please remember that A CEILING FAN IS ON THE CEILING. So what that means is that your head will be very close to the ceiling. Just keep this in mind…it will be very important later. Trust me. And third, A CEILING FAN HAS BLADES THAT WILL ROTATE AT FREE WILL if you’re up there acting a fool trying to kill a spider. Let’s just say I’m very happy (and surprised) to be alive to tell this story…

This is what my guacamole tasted like. No joke.
Image via ehow.com

3) I tried to make guacamole at home. I had lunch with some co-workers at a restaurant close to my job recently (I won’t name names but it rhymes with Smosa Smexicano) and I was quickly reminded why I don’t eat there more often. THEY ARE TOO FLIPPIN’ HIGH! I mean $30 for guacamole that might serve 3 people? Get outta here, son! I get the restaurant’s need to turn a profit and cover its overhead, but it ain’t that much overhead in the world! So that night, I went to the grocery store and bought 5 avocados (for $5 total) and the other ingredients I needed for a couple of dollars more.  I couldn’t understand what magical pixie dust this restaurant sprinkled in their guac to make it so good, yet so expensive. Well anyway, apparently I added WAY too much cilantro or something because the guacamole tasted like a big bowl of magic marker. So yeah. Maybe Smosa is on to something.

Invading washing machines since 2013.

4) I found Cheerios in the washing machine. And lots of them. There are no toddlers that live in my house so I’m not exactly sure how this happened. But there were Cheerios IN the washing machine and all around the sides. So either (1) I’d decided to make the washing machine my breakfast table one day (and I don’t know why I’d do that); (2) I sleepwalk on occasion and put Cheerios in the washing machine; or (3) when my guests tell me they’re going to the bathroom, they’re really sneaking off to secretly put Cheerios in my washer. Those are the only logical explanations I can come up with.

5) I thought I was cute, but then I looked in the mirror. I typically have great hair days because that’s just how I roll (#novanity). But every now and again, I’ll think that I’m having a great hair day and I’m really not. Like, for example, the other day I was walking around like I was cute but then I passed a mirror in the bathroom at work and saw that the curls in my hair decided to do their own thugthizzle that afternoon. Meaning that the ones in the front of my head were curled realtight. But the ones in the back had apparently gone completely flat…a la mullet style. Which is super-foolish because my hair looked great that morning. Anyway, I had been walking around for half a day with a mullet and y’all didn’t even tell me!?

What else are you keeping from me? Have you experienced March Madness yet? I miss you guys   Share with me in the comments! 

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What I gave up for Lent

I’m not Catholic but I like the principles behind Lent. I’ve told you stories in the past about me trying to give up stuff…sometimes I was successful and sometimes I wasn’t. As I told you in my new year’s resolutions, I’m all about being realistic these days. So for Lent this year, I’m giving up…

1) Vanity. I’ve always been a Crest kid, right. But at my last couple of visits to the dentist’s office, the staff reminded me that they endorse Colgate. So I thought, “What the heck, I’ll try Colgate.” But instead of buying just regular old Colgate like what they gave me a sample of, I bought Sensitive Teeth, Extra Whitening Colgate. My rationale was that even though I have the whitest teeth of almost anybody I know, they can always be whiter. I mean, I like to hold myself to a pretty high standard, and what higher standard is there than my own self? And since I’ve been known to have sensitive teeth anyway, this is a win-win for everybody, right? WRONG! Now my teeth are way more sensitiver than they ever were before! How can a toothpaste that is supposed to help with sensitive teeth and make your teeth whiter make them HURT? I mean, WHEN THE WIND BLOWS my mouth has to take cover! No bueno! I will stick with my regular pearly whites and not try to outdo myself. No more vanity for me!

2) Sanity. One day last week, I was thisclose to wrapping up a document I’d been working on for four days. I saved the document, logged out for a few minutes, and later returned to put the finishing touches on it. Lo and behold, in typical Murphy’s Law fashion, IT VANISHED. Four days of hard work down the drain. So I called the “help desk” to see if they could work some magic. They couldn’t. After a couple of hours of trying, they told me that it was gone. So I thought, “You know…now would probably be a good time to cry. There is NO WAY I can recreate all that genius! Yeah. Let me just go ahead and get in a good, hard cry right now.” As I prepared for my cry, for some reason, I got distracted. Somehow I wound up in the bathroom examining my face in the mirror and realized that I may have been overdue for an eyebrow threading. I plucked the strays precisely enough that it was able to hold me for another week! Then I thought, “Well maybe I should cry now…but maybe I should book my flight home for Christmas.” So I looked at flights into Nashville and Memphis to see which might be cheaper. This would have been the first time ever in life that I booked my flight sooner than the day before I was supposed to leave. I was pretty impressed with myself (#novanity). But before I could book, I thought, “I should probably make a big thing of spaghetti for dinner tonight.” I mean, that’s the only logical thing to do when you lose four days worth of work, right? Anyway, the bottom line is that I have given up sanity. There’s no point. Oh, and a day later, THEY RECOVERED MY DOCUMENT. But it was too late. My sanity was already gone. SO GLAD I never shed any tears over losing that document. I like to save my tears for much more important things like Adele’s dress at the Grammys. THAT was tragic.

Image by © Will Guy/Corbis

3) Profanity. So people who know me well know that I’m not a profane person. I mean, really I’m not. Unless, of course, the wind blows and my mouth hurts or I lose a document I’ve been working on for four days. But other than that, I’m usually not. However, I’ve noticed over the past year or so that I’ve fallen victim to peer pressure (i.e. I watch too much reality TV!) Between all these Mob Wives, Basketball Wives, and Real Housewives, the people that I come in contact with the most often have some horribly potty mouths…and it’s rubbing off. You know, as I’m typing this it occurs to me that I don’t know if the greater tragedy is that I’m so impressionable or that I watch so much trash TV these days I can legitimately refer to these chix as “peers”. Hmmmm…*turns off TV…reaches for a book*

4) I think that’s it. This started out cute, but then I couldn’t think of any other words that rhymed besides humanity and Christianity. And I’m certainly not giving either of those up!

What did you give up for Lent? How’s it going so far? Can you think of another word that rhymes with vanity? Share with me in the comments section.

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I Heart My President…I Got His Back!

Whether you’re headed to the nation’s capital for the historic second inauguration of President Barack Obama or plan to view the weekend’s events from television in the comfort of your own home, you still want a unique way to commemorate this monumental occasion, right?

Well, you’re in luck. Cuz…

We got T-shirts…

We got hoodies…

And we got a bumper sticker…

You won’t find these items ANYWHERE else! (Please note: The hoodies are selling very quickly.)

Don’t be left out. Show that YOU GOT OUR PRESIDENT’S BACK…AGAIN!

Visit http://www.iHeartMyPresident.com for prices, size availability, and shipping information. We accept PayPal and most major credit cards.

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WE GOT HIS BACK!

Let’s Get Real: New Year’s Resolutions for 2013 That I Can Actually Keep

I decided to take a different approach to setting my New Year’s resolutions this year. I wanted to set goals that were truly realistic and attainable. I know the point of resolutions is to stretch yourself, but some of the resolutions I set in the past were beyond stretching…they were just plain unrealistic. I mean, who really is going to give up saying the word “really”? Soooo, this year I resolve to…

1) Stop lying. I don’t lie about everything, of course, just select things. Things that don’t matter…like, let’s say, checking the mail. Who am I kidding? I’m not going to check the mail more than once a quarter, so I plan to stop committing to checking it more often than that. A weekly or even monthly basis is unrealistic. I’m also not going to stop buying Groupons, like, ever. Unless they go out of business (then I’m sure I’ll find a suitable replacement). And I’m certainly not going to ever stop watching reality TV. I’ve tried and failed many times. I’m not trying any more. As long as there is a NeNe Leakes delivering nonstop shade and epic one-liners in every episode of #RHOA, ya gurl will be tuning in.

2) Start writing stuff down. I come up with some pretty brilliant stuff sometimes. But I forget most of it before I have the chance to do anything with it. Like, for example, my second resolution…I have NO IDEA what I originally was going to say here, but I know it wasn’t “start writing stuff down.” Y’all shouldn’t have to miss out on my genius just because I’m forgetful. I WILL do better.

3) Blink less.  I think this will make me appear smarter. And more trustworthy. And should certainly help me be more photogenic.

4) Hug the laundry more. I don’t know what it is about hugging the warm laundry shortly after it comes out of the dryer that calms my nerves. Have you ever tried this? I highly recommend it! Whenever there are moments of high stress in my life, I think, “Let me put some stuff in the dryer right quick.” It is soothing, therapeutic and, except for the cost to use the electricity (or quarters if at the Laundromat), it’s relatively free.

**Disclaimer** Please only do this with towels, sheets, and t-shirts. Because if you accidentally rest your face next to the zipper or buttons on some hot jeans, it will totally NOT have the calming effect you’re shooting for. Also, clearly this won’t work if you’re AT work. And finally, if you’re in a Laundromat, be prepared for people to look at you like you’re crazy.

5) Stop wasting my breath. For some reason beyond my comprehension, I’m regularly sought by people for advice. Career advice. Financial advice. Relationship advice. You name it, and here they come. And don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy to help. But if I spend significant amounts of time with you trying to help you figure out your life problems and you don’t take my advice but then return to me repeatedly to discuss the same issue, I can no longer waste my breath on you. My breath is valuable. So if I ever tell you that you “take my breath away,” please know that this is NOT a compliment! GO HUG THE LAUNDRY!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to make the same mistakes this year that I made last year…I want to make brand new mistakes! What are your New Year’s Resolutions for 2013? Share them with me in the comments section!

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TWO YEARS!

<—-Imagine me saying this in my 2 Chainz voice.

This is my car key. It fell apart. I was minding my own business and for no reason at all, it decided it wanted to break into four pieces. THIS is my life.

Today is the two-year anniversary of Magnet for Foolishness! Hard to believe even though I feel like we’ve been through so much together. From me making (and breaking) New Year’s resolutions to getting my butt kicked (several times) during a massage to my botched(?) attempts at baking and vegetarianism, you stuck by me. You commiserated with the tough days I had at work, didn’t judge my inappropriate thoughts, and treated my guests very kindly. And since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I’d like to say THANK YOU for your continued support and loyalty! Even though the posts are less frequent, they won’t stop coming unless the foolishness stops coming. And based on recent life events documented by the picture above, there is not a doubt in my mind that this blog will be around for many more milestones.

Have a great week!

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This is my life right now. Though I’d never admit to it in writing.

“NO EATING AFTER 8 PM!”

Picture via retroist.com/Google images

About a week ago, I instituted this rule for everyone living in my house. (Please note: I am the only one who lives in my house.) I think not eating after 6 or 7 is a more common practice, but some days I don’t get home until after 7 or I may not even leave work until then. So I thought if I wanted to lose some weight, I should not eat after 8. The day after I made this rule, I completely forgot about it. So I’m reaching in the freezer for my frozen Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and I happen to glance over at the clock on the stove. It said 7:56. At that very moment, I remembered that I instituted this rule. So I spent 2 of the last 3 minutes trying to decide if I thought I could (not should, but could) eat all 4 of the peanut butter cups in the package. Then I thought that if I ate them that fast, I’d pretty much be inhaling them and not really tasting them (in which case, what’s the point?) So in the remaining minute that led up to 8 pm (house rules are that everything had to be swallowed and my mouth had to be completely empty by 8 pm),  I decided to start eating just to see how far I could get. I spent so much time thinking about whether or not I could eat all 4, I only had enough time left to get through 2. So I had the other 2 for breakfast the next morning.

Can you say, “Iyanla, fix my life”??!  :/

I’m not the only one who does this kinda thing, right? I mean, you guys have some stuff that you’d never admit in writing, right? Share with me in the comments. I won’t tell anybody…