I can’t remember if it was Nick or Shon who said this, but after spending a day helping me organize my house, one of them indicated that I could use a “handler”. And I can’t say that I disagree. Sooooo….I’m hiring!
For anyone who thinks they’re up for the challenge, here is the job description: Must be an effective, creative, dedicated, hard-working, patient….
1) Grocery shopper. Cleaning out my purse one day, I came across a grocery list I wrote on the back of a receipt. Several things jumped out at me. One was that I wrote “Absolute” on the list. I know what some of you are thinking… “Did she really think she was going to be able to get vodka at the regular, neighborhood chain grocery store?” And others of you are thinking, “Why isn’t she getting Grey Goose?” But you know what I’m thinking? “Man. I misspelled Absolut.”
2) Nutritionist. As y’all know from my last post, I get on my health kick and will go HARD…for a minute. I’ll make a huge pot of greens (a mix of turnips and mustards…you know how I roll). Throw in a smoked turkey leg, chop up some garlic, and add a little salt. BUT THEN I’LL PROCEED TO EAT MY WEIGHT IN GREENS. Kinda counter-productive. I need YOU here to stop me from doing this!
3) Disciplinarian. So a couple of things happened at church last week. I came across the word ‘thot’ in the Bible. (If you don’t believe me, hit me up in the comments and I’ll send you the scripture.) I giggled. A lot. Like, uncontrollably. And I may or may not have gotten three sets of communion. I was HONGRY and that sermon was long.
4) Personal trainer. I’m working on Part 2 to my weight loss guide. If you’d like to be a co-author, let me know. Anyway, more than once, I’ve rolled out the yoga mat, promptly laid down on it, and gone to sleep. This was not my intention, you see, because when I woke up I still had my weights in my hand and the DVD was still playing. So I waited until they did the cool down and then I cooled down with them. HELP!
5) E-mail inbox organizer AND snail mail-checker/reader/discarder. I have three Gmail accounts. And between the three of them, I allegedly have about 4,000 e-mails. Allegedly. Many of these e-mails have been opened, but few of them truly read. And even fewer of them acted upon. And #iCaint with snail mail. I’ve written so many blog posts about this, I’ll give you a break and not hyperlink to them this time. I’ve also written to a couple of companies and asked them to stop sending me mail. They haven’t. I need someone to handle this for me. It’s not getting any better.
6) To-do list keeper upper. Basically, I need someone who will not let me start something new without finishing what I’ve already started (e.g. blog posts).
7) Choreographer. Before I turn 35 (I have to set deadlines or I’ll NEVER do it), I wanna learn the choreography for “Video Phone”. Particularly the part with Beyoncé and Lady Gaga. I would also like to learn J. Lo’s choreography from “Get Right”. I once practiced this choreography in my living room using an umbrella. I twisted my ankle and came thisclose to breaking my TV and coffee table. I need adult supervision. I also need to practice my girl Janet’s “I Get Lonely” video on occasion so my skills don’t get rusty. You will have a competitive edge over other applicants if you already know the choreography for these videos.
8) Game player. Two of my favorite games in all of life are Scrabble and Taboo. At one family gathering where Scrabble was played, I put down “cray”. I got challenged. It did not end well. At a friend’s game night while playing Taboo, I got “fur”. For the next 60 seconds, I vigorously pointed to and pulled the fine hairs on the top of my forearm. They didn’t get it. I was asked to quit the game and subsequently told to not come to anymore game nights. I need you to help me practice! Neither of these things can ever happen again!
9) Hair doer. I cut my hair pretty short last year and it was cute at the time but I’m over it now and I want my hair back. On Pinterest (oh yeah…I’m on Pinterest now. You can follow me here…), I found all these concoctions for hair growth. I made a coconut oil, honey, olive oil, avocado mixture that ran everywhere and burned my eyes. Did I mention I need adult supervision?
10) Money manager/Financial planner. And the way this story ends is that I may or may not have found $422 in a random shoe box in the closet. $422. That is such a specific amount! I was thinking that maybe it was my stripper stash, but probably not cuz it’s a GANG of $20 bills and like two $1 bills…so definitely NOT a stripper stash. I don’t know who/what I was saving this money for. This is so weird. SUCH a #firstworldproblem.
In addition to these ten requirements, there will be other duties as assigned. This could include, but is not limited to impromptu housekeeping or parallel parking.
Serious inquiries only, please! I really need someone who can serve in ALL the above roles and start immediately. Think you have what it takes? Share your credentials in the comments section.
Also, I will be attending #BlogHer14 in San Jose, July 24-27th. If you’re going, LET’S FIND EACH OTHER!
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