Kickin’ it With My Homies – The Foolishness Chronicles, Part 3

This time Jesus was my homie. Well…he’s always my homie. But allow me to explain.

It is NOT always as easy as 1-2-3… Picture from celebratecommunion.com

It is NOT always as easy as 1-2-3…
Picture from celebratecommunion.com

Last week while I was at church, I dropped my communion. Not the whole thing, just the cracker (i.e. the body). I was trying to open the package and pulled the plastic too hard. It seemed as if the cracker went flying across the room in slow mo, but in reality it was probably a quick tumble to the floor. It just felt like an eternity. I fumbled and tried to catch it without wasting the grape juice (i.e. the blood) on me or anyone around me. After it hit the ground, I even thought, “FIVE SECOND RULE! FIVE SECOND RULE!” I picked it up and inspected it but, of course, couldn’t bring myself to eat it. It was awkward. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to make eye contact with a couple of the ushers and even tried to wave them down a few times, but none of them were paying attention to me. The window for me to get a replacement closed.

I couldn’t help but think the Lord was trying to exact revenge on me from when I may or may not have grabbed three communions a few months back.  I mean, I reached in to grab one and my hand may have accidentally grabbed more than one. I may or may not have shared with my neighbor. But that’s neither here nor there. Besides, the Lord is not in the business of “exacting revenge”. But I did wonder for a minute…

I panicked. Then pouted. Then prayed. Then partook. In the blood, but not the body.

Have you been in this situation before? What did you do? WWJD?

Until next time…

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Kickin’ it With My Homies – The Foolishness Chronicles, Part 2

I am walking down the street one day, minding my own business as I usually do. I notice a pie company that has opened a store front and I’m intrigued…I’d previously only known this company to operate food trucks. Anyway, though I’m not in the mood for pie at the moment, I stop in to grab a menu for future reference.

The person on staff is very engaging….a bit too engaging. My friend and I try to ask questions but he pretty much takes over the conversation. As we ask about business hours and pie offerings, dude proceeds to tell us that he is a “groom-zilla” and that he will temporarily release the other two men in the shop for an hour long break. But they are to hurry back; wedding planning can’t wait. Not sure why we need to know this, but whatevs.

Once these poor men escape, he goes on to tell us about how his father is a veteran, an ex-con, and a racist. At this point it is official. Dude is cray.

We try to redirect the conversation to pie but he goes on and on about how awful his family is. He can’t understand why his father has so much hate…and self-hate at that. What the heck…he put the bait out there, we may as well bite. The following conversation between dude and my friend ensues:

“It’s crazy because we’re 1/3 Japanese. So I don’t understand why he could have an issue with any race since we’re mixed with so many things.”

“But how can you be 1/3 Japanese, though? I mean, you only have two parents. So wouldn’t you have to be 1/2 or 1/4 or 1/8…?”

“Because I’m part Japanese. But only 1/3.”

“Yeah, you said that before. But how can someone be 1/3 of something? Do you mean you’re 3rd generation or…?”

“No, I meant I’m only 1/3. Like we have Japanese mixed in our family. Along with Black and Island and other stuff.”

“But how can you be precisely 1/3 of anything though?”

“Because my grandma and all dem are part Japanese. And my grandma is SUUPPPER lazy! She never helps me cook Thanksgiving dinner. She just sits around and watches TV. Which is all she ever really does whether it’s a holiday or not. She just complains and barks orders while I do all the work.”

My friend grabs me and drags me out of the pie shop. And to think…I just wanted a menu. This is what I felt like after I left the shop.

NOT my picture. Found via Google images from theabbotofunreason.blogspot.com

NOT my picture. Found via Google images from theabbotofunreason.blogspot.com

Until next time…

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Kickin’ it With My Homies – The Foolishness Chronicles, Part 1

Silly me. I sat down to write a post chronicling some of the foolishness I’ve experienced while hanging out with friends. I thought I was going to be able to write one post about all the foolishness. That didn’t work. The post was never-ending! So I’ll give you one story at a time.

I was at a park. Looking at a statue. Trying to figure out the point of the statue. If there was something obvious I was missing. Something deep I didn’t get. I was about to give up on figuring it out.

Then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a plaque. A plaque that named the sculptor (sculptors make statues, right? Or is there another name for a statue-maker?) and that I thought was going to explain the meaning of this statue.

I called my friend over to look at the plaque with me. As we’re reading it silently, contemplating the meaning of life, out of nowhere comes a man. An unassuming man. A weird man.

A conversation between the man and my friend ensues.

“How are you ladies doing today?”

“Fine, thanks.”

“Good. Good. Well…I was just wondering….do you know Jesus?”

“Yup. We know him. Thanks.”

“Okay. I just wanted to make sure y’all were saved.”

“Yup. We’re good. Thanks.”

“Okay, good. I just wanted to make sure y’all didn’t go to Hell.”

“You know what? I think we’re good, sir. But thanks.”

“…”

“…”

“Okay. Wanna go out to eat sometime?”

“No, I don’t. I’m good.”

“Aw, okay.”

We promptly left that park. Still don’t know what that statue was all about.

pict93

Until next time…

 

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7 things I wish hadn’t happened this week. But did.

Image via news.distractify.com

Image via news.distractify.com

1) I cursed my Mom out via text. Not really, but almost. I exchanged some pretty hilarious texts with my Mom one day at work and had an equally fun conversation with her when I got home that night. Afterward, I sent a text to one of my friends that said, “I LOVE my Mama! We just had the BEST conversation. She is SO damn funny!” Only I didn’t send it to my friend…I sent it to my Mama! As soon as I sent it I realized what I did. I was like, “OH GAWD! Damage control! Damage control!” But she was cool. She was just happy I told somebody else I love her!

2) The housekeeper threw away all of the things. You know how you start running low on stuff so you turn the bottle upside down to drain every last bit out of it until you can get to the store to replace it? Well I was doing that with a lotion bottle that I anticipated getting another 2-3 days out of, but the housekeeper threw it away! She did the same thing with a bottle of body wash I had posted up in the shower. I had to use bar soap and baby oil until I could get back to store! #firstworldproblems

3) Did I mention she threw away ALL of the things? So I was 2 days in on a 30-day ab challenge, right. And I had the exercises printed out on a piece of paper that I left in the middle of the living room floor so that I would see it every day and not forget to do it. She threw that away, too! And just like that, the challenge was over. Cuz its not like I can print out another copy or anything.

Image via ourlifeinthekitchen.com

Image via ourlifeinthekitchen.com

4) And apparently told the folks at work to throw away all of the things, too! I don’t know where okra chips have been all my life but they are my latest obsession. And granted, the tub of chips was ALMOST empty, but it wasn’t ALL THE WAY empty. Not quite. The same way you turn a bag of Lay’s or Cheetos up to get all the crumbs, I’d planned to do that with this container of okra chips. Cuz you know, that’s just what you do with chips. How about the night cleaning crew threw my crumbs away! I came into work the next day and was offended and appalled. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR NEED TO THROW AWAY EMPTY CONTAINERS?! WHO DOES THAT?!

5) My toilet flushed itself. If I was in a public restroom, this would be a great thing. But since I was at home, lying in bed, watching TV and live-tweeting some garbage reality show, and not anywhere near the toilet, the fact that it flushed itself is NOT a good thing. Not a good thing at all. I don’t even know what to think about this or what more I can say. So I’ll stop now so I don’t overuse any more commas.

6) I discovered that I am, in fact, a sophistiratchet.  I might be THE sophistirachet. I think we all suspected this about me, but it was never really confirmed. Well, I wanna go to the Lil Wayne/Drake concert SO BAD. So bad that I’ve been calling the radio station for 4 days straight trying to get tickets. Wanna go? They’ll be here next week.

This image is NOT mine either. I got it from http://flahertyfamily.typepad.com/unique_like_everyone_else/

This image is NOT mine either. I got it from http://flahertyfamily.typepad.com/unique_like_everyone_else/

 

7) I worked so hard, the underwire came out of my bra.  We’ve discussed some of my bra-related drama HERE. Well one day I happened to glance down (no doubt cleaning okra chips off my lap) and noticed that my underwire had broken free and started its escape out of the top of my shirt! Not my proudest moment, but if you recall I’ve had many moments that might be considered equally as humbling.

 

 

Did your toilet flush itself this week? Tell me about it in the comments.

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Posted in Funny, housekeeper, humor, Life, Personal, random, Relationships, stories, thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Do you know the way to San Jose?

I attended #BlogHer14 in San Jose last week and found it to be a rewarding experience. I learned a lot about myself. For example, I learned that…

Not exactly what I was expecting. Image via katnip.wordpress.com

Not exactly what I was expecting.
Image via katnip.wordpress.com

I’m probably not a foodie. After I landed, I decided to grab a bite at a Mexican restaurant close to my hotel. I considered myself to be semi-cultured since I vacationed in Mexico last year. But I kinda discovered that I wasn’t. I ordered chicken enchiladas and, since it was National Tequila Day, a margarita. Allegedly, this was supposed to be the best margarita I’d ever have in life. Customer endorsed, waiter approved. I was less than impressed but was still excited about my yet-to-be served enchiladas. Turns out it was more like a deconstructed enchilada. It was a bed of rice, topped with tomatillo sauce running off the sides of the plate, topped with a grilled chicken breast, topped with some cheese that wouldn’t melt. You can never trust cheese that doesn’t melt. I deemed it inedible and moved on to my second margarita. This time I opted for a frozen, blood orange one. But again, I was disappointed. It tasted like a cherry ICEE that you’d get from K-Mart back in the day. At this point I’m realizing that it isn’t even 2pm yet and I’d had two margaritas and no food (although it would have been almost 5pm if I was home on the east coast, so technically it was all good). So I decided to order dessert…you can never go wrong with dessert. Together, the waiter and I decided that the crepes might be the best option for me. Now some might say it was my fault for ordering a French dessert in a Mexican restaurant, but I say it’s their fault for even having it on the menu. The menu said it was a crepe with a scoop of ice cream on top, drizzled in caramel sauce. It was not. It was a tortilla stuffed with strawberry jelly and strawberries on top. That’s what I get.

I am, indeed, a strategist. This is my day job (i.e. the gig that actually pays my bills) so I’m in charge of thinking stuff up and through and over all day, every day. And these skills came in handy when I had to figure out how to get ALL the Glade candles into my carry-on. I heard about the swag you get at this conference, but after I dropped the loot for registration, hotel, and flight, I couldn’t bear to spend any more to check a bag. So I had to strategize to get all the extra stuff into my suitcase. My house will smell like Cashmere Woods well into 2015.

These are cute. But my nails were cuter.  Image via polyvore.com

These are cute. But my nails were cuter.
Image via polyvore.com

I might not be a strategist. Since they offered free massages and manicures at multiple booths, I got ALL the massages and ALL the manicures. Like those massages were so good, I could barely pull myself together to walk to get the next one. But somehow I managed. I also employed very weak analytical skills in deciding to get a manicure without sufficiently planning how I would retrieve and distribute business cards, text or tweet at my usual warp speed pace…or use the restroom.  These are all things one should have a plan for BEFORE getting a manicure.

I could stand to grow my hair out a few inches. Not really, but the Hairfinity vitamins were free so why not? And I plan to use and enjoy them DESPITE the fact that khloe kardashian endorses them (and despite the fact that she was there). I’d also deduced that if I sprinkled all the vitamins throughout my suitcase rather than packing the whole bottle, I could conserve space. I subsequently deduced that this idea was silly so I left them in the bottle and figured out a way to make it work.

It's not that deep, famI probably shouldn’t start fights in the Swag Swap room. I spun the wheel at the Chuck E. Cheese booth and won a Scrabble game. I LOVE Scrabble but I already have one. So I wanted Trouble. I went to the Swag Swap room and found a lady who had Trouble. But she wouldn’t trade with me cuz she was saving Trouble for her son. Really lady?! I personally think her son could learn a lot more from Scrabble than Trouble but whatevs. I can’t tell you how to raise your kids. Especially when…

I might be a fool. I got two words for you: BUTTERY. NIPPLE. One of the booths was giving away shots so I got one. Then circled the block, put my hair in a ponytail, and got another. I circled the block again, put my sunglasses on and got another. I felt like Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids! They were like “Ma’am, it’s okay if you want more than one shot. You don’t have to keep doing this.”

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Images via giphy.com

Images via Giphy.com

After I had a sufficient number of Buttery Nipples, I went back to the Chuck E. Cheese booth and proceeded to play Operation about 19 times. I never won, but I bet that cute Chuck E. Cheese guy remembers me!

But not as big a fool as Sarah Winchester. Bless her heart. I had some free time before I left San Jose so I visited the Winchester Mystery House. Y’all will just have to google her and her house. I can’t dedicate any more of my time to this woman.

I possibly have a girl crush on Kerry Washington. Join the club, right? I’m not a Scandal fan, but there is something about her that has grown on me. I like the way she keeps her private life REALLY private. I mean, she is gangsta with it! As a matter of fact, she is so low-profile I didn’t even know she had braces. BRACES, son. Olivia Pope has braces. Did you know that? Cuz I didn’t. She’s so undercover, the braces don’t even show up on pictures, yo! I went through all the pics on my phone plus all the pictures folks posted on Twitter and the blogs of her as a keynote speaker and there is no trace of braces in any of the pictures. But I KNOW I saw them!

And, as I have affirmed in my previous statement, I continue to be eerily observant. I have never IN MY LIFE observed so many people in such a short time period that were so unhygienic. Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about ANY of the BlogHer conference attendees. I’m talking about the large number of women I witnessed coming in and out of the airport bathroom stalls who didn’t wash their hands. I’m also talking about a man on my flight from San Jose to Chicago that dug up his nose THE WHOLE FLIGHT. And I’m not talking about starting, stopping, looking, starting, stopping, and looking. I’m talking about one continuous dig. A start that never stopped! It was so disgusting and captivating all at the same time. I’m like, MAN, how deep ARE your nostrils?! If I wasn’t so distracted by the vomit I was choking back, I might have been impressed at the stamina of his fingers. I mean, I think I’m pretty mean when it comes to texting, but my fingers could NEVER do what his did…for 3 and a half hours straight.

Since I’ve told you so much about myself and nothing about what I truly learned at the conference, let me try to sum things up here:

  • Women’s health issues are extremely important and we HAVE to be self-advocates. Do your own research. Find the right doctors. Make them listen to you. Build a support system.
  • We’re all in the same gang. We may be a member of different tribes or villages or beats or WHATEVER, but we’re all bloggers and we all want to succeed. It’s okay that we may have differing definitions of “success”. Let’s support our fellow bloggers in whatever way THEY want to be supported!
  • Arianna Huffington is a BEAST with the quotables! As a keynote speaker, she reminded us (women) to always secure our own safety masks first before helping others. Every time I hear this during safety videos on airplanes, now I will think of her. As women, we don’t realize how important this is and how applicable it is to almost all aspects of our lives. (I wish she’d stop letting HuffPo Stan for the kardashians, though. But I digress.)
  • Rev. Run is the coldest. He DJed the conference closing party. I want him to DJ my Bat Mitzvah, my wedding, and my funeral.
  • Awesomely Luvvie is a real person, not just a cartoon! And she’s REAL awesome! Like #ALLATAHM.
  • To be Silicon Valley, Silicon Valley sux. If there was any place in the country you think would be equipped to handle an overload of internet users for three days, it is Silicon Valley. Nope. Could barely text, tweet, or send an e-mail in real time due to the lack of capacity. Tech experts my azz!
  • GIRLS RULE!
  • BLACK GIRLS ROCK!

If you attended #BlogHer14, what were some of your key takeaways? Shout ‘em out in the comments section.

P. S. Who’s going to Blogalicious?

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I’m hiring! Principals only need apply.

I can’t remember if it was Nick or Shon who said this, but after spending a day helping me organize my house, one of them indicated that I could use a “handler”. And I can’t say that I disagree. Sooooo….I’m hiring!

For anyone who thinks they’re up for the challenge, here is the job description: Must be an effective, creative, dedicated, hard-working, patient….

Image via socalcouponmommy.com

Image via socalcouponmommy.com

1) Grocery shopper. Cleaning out my purse one day, I came across a grocery list I wrote on the back of a receipt. Several things jumped out at me. One was that I wrote “Absolute” on the list. I know what some of you are thinking… “Did she really think she was going to be able to get vodka at the regular, neighborhood chain grocery store?” And others of you are thinking, “Why isn’t she getting Grey Goose?” But you know what I’m thinking? “Man. I misspelled Absolut.”

2) Nutritionist. As y’all know from my last post, I get on my health kick and will go HARD…for a minute. I’ll make a huge pot of greens (a mix of turnips and mustards…you know how I roll). Throw in a smoked turkey leg, chop up some garlic, and add a little salt. BUT THEN I’LL PROCEED TO EAT MY WEIGHT IN GREENS. Kinda counter-productive. I need YOU here to stop me from doing this!

3) Disciplinarian. So a couple of things happened at church last week. I came across the word ‘thot’ in the Bible. (If you don’t believe me, hit me up in the comments and I’ll send you the scripture.) I giggled. A lot. Like, uncontrollably. And I may or may not have gotten three sets of communion. I was HONGRY and that sermon was long.

Image via blackAndi.com

Image via blackAndi.com

4) Personal trainer. I’m working on Part 2 to my weight loss guide. If you’d like to be a co-author, let me know. Anyway, more than once, I’ve rolled out the yoga mat, promptly laid down on it, and gone to sleep. This was not my intention, you see, because when I woke up I still had my weights in my hand and the DVD was still playing. So I waited until they did the cool down and then I cooled down with them. HELP!

 

5) E-mail inbox organizer AND snail mail-checker/reader/discarder. I have three Gmail accounts. And between the three of them, I allegedly have about 4,000 e-mails. Allegedly. Many of these e-mails have been opened, but few of them truly read. And even fewer of them acted upon. And #iCaint with snail mail. I’ve written so many blog posts about this, I’ll give you a break and not hyperlink to them this time. I’ve also written to a couple of companies and asked them to stop sending me mail. They haven’t. I need someone to handle this for me. It’s not getting any better.

6) To-do list keeper upper. Basically, I need someone who will not let me start something new without finishing what I’ve already started (e.g. blog posts).

7) Choreographer. Before I turn 35 (I have to set deadlines or I’ll NEVER do it), I wanna learn the choreography for “Video Phone”. Particularly the part with Beyoncé and Lady Gaga.  I would also like to learn J. Lo’s choreography from “Get Right”. I once practiced this choreography in my living room using an umbrella. I twisted my ankle and came thisclose to breaking my TV and coffee table. I need adult supervision. I also need to practice my girl Janet’s “I Get Lonely” video on occasion so my skills don’t get rusty. You will have a competitive edge over other applicants if you already know the choreography for these videos.

Image via funny-pictures.picphotos.net

Image via funny-pictures.picphotos.net

8) Game player. Two of my favorite games in all of life are Scrabble and Guesstures. At one family gathering where Scrabble was played, I put down “cray”. I got challenged. It did not end well. At a friend’s game night while playing Guesstures, I got “fur”. For the next 60 seconds, I vigorously pointed to and pulled the fine hairs on the top of my forearm. They didn’t get it. I was asked to quit the game and subsequently told to not come to anymore game nights. I need you to help me practice! Neither of these things can ever happen again!

9) Hair doer. I cut my hair pretty short last year and it was cute at the time but I’m over it now and I want my hair back. On Pinterest (oh yeah…I’m on Pinterest now. You can follow me here…), I found all these concoctions for hair growth. I made a coconut oil, honey, olive oil, avocado mixture that ran everywhere and burned my eyes. Did I mention I need adult supervision?

10) Money manager/Financial planner. And the way this story ends is that I may or may not have found $422 in a random shoe box in the closet. $422. That is such a specific amount! I was thinking that maybe it was my stripper stash, but probably not cuz it’s a GANG of $20 bills and like two $1 bills…so definitely NOT a stripper stash. I don’t know who/what I was saving this money for. This is so weird. SUCH a #firstworldproblem.

In addition to these ten requirements, there will be other duties as assigned. This could include, but is not limited to impromptu housekeeping or parallel parking.

Serious inquiries only, please! I really need someone who can serve in ALL the above roles and start immediately. Think you have what it takes? Share your credentials in the comments section.

Also, I will be attending #BlogHer14 in San Jose, July 24-27th. If you’re going, LET’S FIND EACH OTHER!

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Bikinis: A Privilege, Not a Right

Yeah, so I am a bad feminist. A real, REAL bad feminist. And, apparently, a bad grammarian as well.

Let me get to the point…this whole “the only thing you need to do to have a bikini body is put your body in a bikini” movement has got to cease. I was trying to stay cool, but this movement has reached epidemic proportions. And y’all are really serious about this!

"How YOU doin'?"  Image via straightfromthea.com from the movie “Norbit”

“How YOU doin’?”
Image via straightfromthea.com from the movie “Norbit”

So let me school you right quick…these are a few things that help you have a bikini body…

THIS…

THIS…

pict83

And THIS…

Image via rollingout.com

Image via rollingout.com

None of this is guaranteed, of course. But it usually helps.

And, of course, having great genes never hurts. But most of us aren’t that lucky.

I remember a time when folks used to go *HARD* during the winter to make sure their body was beach-ready during the summer…WOMEN AND MEN. It used to be an honor to show off your body after all the hard work you put into achieving it or maintaining it.  Now folks just walk around with all that high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes just hanging off their bodies like it’s cute. I could give stats to back up my opinion but I don’t wanna give stats. I don’t need to give stats. Y’ALL KNOW THE STATS!

Unless there is a kid or a disease in that belly, IT AIN’T CUTE. Get rid of it! Or at least try to…that’s all I ask. Or better yet, don’t get rid of it if you don’t want to. Just don’t put it in a bikini. Even Rick Ross decided to do something about his man boobs and belly. RICK ROSS! And I am so NOT a fan of his, but he said something profound that will always stick with me. He said, and I quote: “Now, they give me fruit to eat. I forgot what fruit had tasted like. I eat pears now and sh!t like that.”

Rick Ross eats pears now and sh!t. And you should, too.

Let’s start a NEW movement! #belliesaintcute #belliesaintcute #belliesaintcute

 

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