I’m hiring! Principals only need apply.

I can’t remember if it was Nick or Shon who said this, but after spending a day helping me organize my house, one of them indicated that I could use a “handler”. And I can’t say that I disagree. Sooooo….I’m hiring!

For anyone who thinks they’re up for the challenge, here is the job description: Must be an effective, creative, dedicated, hard-working, patient….

Image via socalcouponmommy.com

Image via socalcouponmommy.com

1) Grocery shopper. Cleaning out my purse one day, I came across a grocery list I wrote on the back of a receipt. Several things jumped out at me. One was that I wrote “Absolute” on the list. I know what some of you are thinking… “Did she really think she was going to be able to get vodka at the regular, neighborhood chain grocery store?” And others of you are thinking, “Why isn’t she getting Grey Goose?” But you know what I’m thinking? “Man. I misspelled Absolut.”

2) Nutritionist. As y’all know from my last post, I get on my health kick and will go HARD…for a minute. I’ll make a huge pot of greens (a mix of turnips and mustards…you know how I roll). Throw in a smoked turkey leg, chop up some garlic, and add a little salt. BUT THEN I’LL PROCEED TO EAT MY WEIGHT IN GREENS. Kinda counter-productive. I need YOU here to stop me from doing this!

3) Disciplinarian. So a couple of things happened at church last week. I came across the word ‘thot’ in the Bible. (If you don’t believe me, hit me up in the comments and I’ll send you the scripture.) I giggled. A lot. Like, uncontrollably. And I may or may not have gotten three sets of communion. I was HONGRY and that sermon was long.

Image via blackAndi.com

Image via blackAndi.com

4) Personal trainer. I’m working on Part 2 to my weight loss guide. If you’d like to be a co-author, let me know. Anyway, more than once, I’ve rolled out the yoga mat, promptly laid down on it, and gone to sleep. This was not my intention, you see, because when I woke up I still had my weights in my hand and the DVD was still playing. So I waited until they did the cool down and then I cooled down with them. HELP!

 

5) E-mail inbox organizer AND snail mail-checker/reader/discarder. I have three Gmail accounts. And between the three of them, I allegedly have about 4,000 e-mails. Allegedly. Many of these e-mails have been opened, but few of them truly read. And even fewer of them acted upon. And #iCaint with snail mail. I’ve written so many blog posts about this, I’ll give you a break and not hyperlink to them this time. I’ve also written to a couple of companies and asked them to stop sending me mail. They haven’t. I need someone to handle this for me. It’s not getting any better.

6) To-do list keeper upper. Basically, I need someone who will not let me start something new without finishing what I’ve already started (e.g. blog posts).

7) Choreographer. Before I turn 35 (I have to set deadlines or I’ll NEVER do it), I wanna learn the choreography for “Video Phone”. Particularly the part with Beyoncé and Lady Gaga.  I would also like to learn J. Lo’s choreography from “Get Right”. I once practiced this choreography in my living room using an umbrella. I twisted my ankle and came thisclose to breaking my TV and coffee table. I need adult supervision. I also need to practice my girl Janet’s “I Get Lonely” video on occasion so my skills don’t get rusty. You will have a competitive edge over other applicants if you already know the choreography for these videos.

Image via funny-pictures.picphotos.net

Image via funny-pictures.picphotos.net

8) Game player. Two of my favorite games in all of life are Scrabble and Taboo. At one family gathering where Scrabble was played, I put down “cray”. I got challenged. It did not end well. At a friend’s game night while playing Taboo, I got “fur”. For the next 60 seconds, I vigorously pointed to and pulled the fine hairs on the top of my forearm. They didn’t get it. I was asked to quit the game and subsequently told to not come to anymore game nights. I need you to help me practice! Neither of these things can ever happen again!

9) Hair doer. I cut my hair pretty short last year and it was cute at the time but I’m over it now and I want my hair back. On Pinterest (oh yeah…I’m on Pinterest now. You can follow me here…), I found all these concoctions for hair growth. I made a coconut oil, honey, olive oil, avocado mixture that ran everywhere and burned my eyes. Did I mention I need adult supervision?

10) Money manager/Financial planner. And the way this story ends is that I may or may not have found $422 in a random shoe box in the closet. $422. That is such a specific amount! I was thinking that maybe it was my stripper stash, but probably not cuz it’s a GANG of $20 bills and like two $1 bills…so definitely NOT a stripper stash. I don’t know who/what I was saving this money for. This is so weird. SUCH a #firstworldproblem.

In addition to these ten requirements, there will be other duties as assigned. This could include, but is not limited to impromptu housekeeping or parallel parking.

Serious inquiries only, please! I really need someone who can serve in ALL the above roles and start immediately. Think you have what it takes? Share your credentials in the comments section.

Also, I will be attending #BlogHer14 in San Jose, July 24-27th. If you’re going, LET’S FIND EACH OTHER!

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Bikinis: A Privilege, Not a Right

Yeah, so I am a bad feminist. A real, REAL bad feminist. And, apparently, a bad grammarian as well.

Let me get to the point…this whole “the only thing you need to do to have a bikini body is put your body in a bikini” movement has got to cease. I was trying to stay cool, but this movement has reached epidemic proportions. And y’all are really serious about this!

"How YOU doin'?"  Image via straightfromthea.com from the movie “Norbit”

“How YOU doin’?”
Image via straightfromthea.com from the movie “Norbit”

So let me school you right quick…these are a few things that help you have a bikini body…

THIS…

THIS…

pict83

And THIS…

Image via rollingout.com

Image via rollingout.com

None of this is guaranteed, of course. But it usually helps.

And, of course, having great genes never hurts. But most of us aren’t that lucky.

I remember a time when folks used to go *HARD* during the winter to make sure their body was beach-ready during the summer…WOMEN AND MEN. It used to be an honor to show off your body after all the hard work you put into achieving it or maintaining it.  Now folks just walk around with all that high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes just hanging off their bodies like it’s cute. I could give stats to back up my opinion but I don’t wanna give stats. I don’t need to give stats. Y’ALL KNOW THE STATS!

Unless there is a kid or a disease in that belly, IT AIN’T CUTE. Get rid of it! Or at least try to…that’s all I ask. Or better yet, don’t get rid of it if you don’t want to. Just don’t put it in a bikini. Even Rick Ross decided to do something about his man boobs and belly. RICK ROSS! And I am so NOT a fan of his, but he said something profound that will always stick with me. He said, and I quote: “Now, they give me fruit to eat. I forgot what fruit had tasted like. I eat pears now and sh!t like that.”

Rick Ross eats pears now and sh!t. And you should, too.

Let’s start a NEW movement! #belliesaintcute #belliesaintcute #belliesaintcute

 

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Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!

I’m back.

I know you were holding your breath.

Thanks, Amy Juicebox, for pulling me out of my writing slump by giving me a Liebster Award! It was great “e-meeting” you and all the other participants in the Blogging University WordPress 201 challenge back in April. I’d also like to shout out one of my bestest blogging buddies, Oscar, over at hermitsdoor for bestowing the “Shine A Light” award (delayed, but not forgotten!) This is my second Liebster and first Shine A Light. Rather than passing these awards along as I’ve done in the past, I would encourage you to visit both of their sites as well as the sites of those who comment on this post. I have awesome readers!

Now to the 11 questions posed by Amy…

1) What was the last book you read? The Coldest Winter Ever by Sister Souljah. My Mom gave me two great books for Christmas (Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg and The Coldest Winter Ever) and it was hard to decide which to read first. I am notorious for trying to multi-task and not being good at it, so I really wanted to read them both at the same time, alternating back and forth, chapter by chapter. I’m so glad I didn’t do that. These were both amazing books and I wouldn’t have done either of them justice if I’d divided my attention like that. So, based strictly on length, I chose to read Sheryl Sandberg’s book first and Sister Souljah’s second. I also found it incredibly appropriate and poetic that I read The Coldest Winter Ever during THE COLDEST WINTER EVER! This winter was *brutal* so I had plenty of inside time to read. I’m currently reading A Deeper Love Inside which is a sequel to The Coldest Winter Ever.

2) Do you think there is more hate in the world now or is it just being uncovered with instant access to everyone’s thoughts? That is a great question. I should have given a disclaimer at the beginning that there are some of these I’ll have to skip because I just don’t have the answer. And this is a deeeep question! Probably deserves an entire post dedicated to it.

 3) What would you do for the vine? So I was super late to “the vine” and to what “doing it for the vine” even meant. So the most I’ve done for the vine was go online and proceed to stay there for like 5 straight hours one Saturday watching the entire world “do it for the vine”. I don’t even think I took a bathroom break! I’m kinda ashamed to admit that. But not really.

4) Spring, summer, fall or winter? Spring, baby. Spring all day. Luckily, I’ve been fortunate to not suffer from allergies over the past few years so I really like it when the flowers start to bloom! Plus anytime I can wear non-itchy clothes (or minimal clothes) that is my preference. (See here and here, specifically #4)

5) What is one of your life regrets? That I didn’t get my black belt in Taekwondo. I tested for my camaflouge belt, passed, and then quit right after that. I will never not be disappointed in myself for this.

6) You win $50 million tomorrow. What are the first 3 things you are doing? That’s easy. 1) Give the Lord his cut off top. Because I know from whence ALL my foolishness cometh! 2) Retire my Dad. 3) Retire myself. As a matter of fact, it may be the perfect time to start working on THIS.

7) Do you think the NCAA should pay “student”-athletes? Yes. Yes, I do.

8) What flavor is your birthday cake? Red Velvet or Strawberry

9) If you had to give one up, would it be Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr or Pinterest? Tumblr. Cuz I don’t have an account on there. So it’s pretty easy to give up something you don’t have. Plus it is misspelled. That makes it extra easy.

10) Are you ticklish? Sometimes. Particularly during pedicures.

11) Team Samsung or Team Apple? Either is fine with me. I have an Apple iPhone but a Samsung laptop. They both get the job done.

Answer these questions for yourself in the comments section!

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I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions…

picture via Twitter @MensHumor

picture via Twitter @MensHumor

6) I’m not a morning person. I guess this isn’t a major confession because who cares, really. But I have been known to wake up to use the bathroom and maybe get something to drink or a light snack at 6am and get back in the bed…when the alarm is set to go off at 6:30. Then get mad when it goes off and hit it one or two or seven times. I’ll never understand why it makes sense to someone that I should wake up at the butt crack o’ dawn, put my foots in shoes, draw on my face, and make my hair look like, I don’t know, hair in order to go to work! Who invented work? And, more importantly, WHO INVENTED MORNING?!

7) Not only am I not a morning person, I’m not a person. I prefer that people don’t talk to me ever but especially before 11am. And I’m dead serious about this. If you have to communicate with me before 11am, please text or e-mail that way I can respond at my leisure. Please don’t put me on the spot by talking to me. It is very hard for me to hear or process or care about what you’re saying that early in the morning if it is in actual “out-of-your-mouth” word form as opposed to “written-down-so-I-can-ignore-it” word form. Unless, of course, you are a boss or future boss reading this…then I am NOT talking about you. I have no problem hearing, processing, or caring about ANYTHING that YOU say! Or unless you’re calling me to discuss lunch plans. Then, for some reason, my mind is very open and receptive.

8) I am not sophisticated. Really, I’m not. But I fake well. I’m rather green and unrefined. Or maybe I should say my palate isn’t sophisticated.** For example, I really don’t like or understand red wine. To me it tastes like breath. Liquid breath. And I don’t know why anybody drinks it on purpose. I also don’t “get” coffee. To me it tastes like burnt. Liquid burnt. Why would I wanna drink some burnt? And lastly, tea. What is it with you people and your tea? Unless my tea comes with a side of shade, I don’t want it! The only time I even consider drinking tea is when I have a sore throat. Everybody offers me these exotic teas with all these fancy herbs and stuff. But you know what EVERY mug of tea tastes like to me? Water. HOT brown, black, orange, green, or whatever colored WATER. No bueno. I’ll stick with TheraFlu.

9) The sour cream in my refrigerator right now is wearing a fur coat. A bluish purple fur coat to be exact. With green polka dots. Not quite sure how this happened, but it did. If your kid needs a science project on the fly, boy have I got one for you! E-mail me for rates. pict74

10) I just put on some pink deodorant. I’m not exactly sure WHY this deodorant is pink because it was white when I bought it. But I also don’t know how long ago that was. But anyway, it had never been used so I examined it thoroughly and, in my opinion, everything else checked out. So I used it. If my armpits crawl off of my armpits and die, we’ll know why.

That about wraps up all my confessions for now. There may be a part three one day but until then, please share any of your previously unshared confessions with me in the comments section.

(**After reading this post in its entirety, I think it is safe to say that the whole of me, not just my palate, could probably be considered pretty unsophisticated.)

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These are my confessions…Part 1

There are a few things I need to get off my chest. I’ve been walking around holding this stuff in for months (or in some cases, years) and it is killing me. I hope that finally sharing these confessions with you (#NoUsher) will give me some relief.

1) I’ve never been great with money. I mean, literally. I used to confuse nickels and quarters growing up. I finally came to realize that they were different coins by remembering that the quarter was smooth around the edges and the nickel was ridged. Oh wait…

2) I’ve never really been that great at telling time. And because of this, I used to ask for digital watches on Christmases and birthdays. Then my parents got hip to the game and started making me wear a real watch so that I could learn how to tell time. Now, the problem is that I HAVE to have a watch with at least some numbers (some of them can be lines or dots to replace the numbers, but I gotta have some numbers)…I can’t have one of those sexy no-numbered watches with just a face and some hands. I’d NEVER make it anywhere on time.

You and I are both shocked that my face doesn’t look like this.

You and I are both shocked that my face doesn’t look like this.

3) I haven’t washed my makeup brushes since…ever. In my defense (and go with me on this, because I recognize that this really is indefensible) I don’t wear makeup that often. So my brushes probably aren’t that dirty by comparison. Yet, I am still surprised my face hasn’t crawled off my face in disgust and disappointment. Every time I think about washing them, it’s at a time when I need to use them. And I can’t do anything with wet brushes.

4) I am selfish. I don’t like when my friends get better jobs and move away, go back to school, or have kids. I don’t like it when they do anything that betters their life therefore taking time away from my time with them. I do not like it because I love them and want to keep them all to myself. I do not want to share. So if you come to me and say, “Guess what?! I just got accepted to the Ph.D. program at Buttface University in a city that isn’t in your time zone with a full ride! After I graduate, I will have my pick of jobs anywhere in the country and maybe even the WORLD!” And I say, “So what am I supposed to do?”…don’t be surprised.

5) The first person I followed on Twitter was Snooki. The second person was Barack Obama. I was scrolling through my Twitter page a few weeks ago and made this discovery. This really makes me feel some type of way.

What are YOUR confessions? C’mon, share with me! They can’t be worse than mine!

(Here’s another confession…I have a lot more confessions but I’m participating in #blogging201 through WordPress and I promised I’d stay under 500 words per post. So I’m cheating a little…Part 2 coming soon!)

 

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Stop telling girls that they can be anything they want when they grow up.

Feminism.

It has been the topic du jour for seems like at least the past 365 jours. Because it is all up and through every blog, website, book, tweet, TV talk show, TV news show, college tour speaking circuit, book club meeting, brunch discussion, etc. etc. ETC., I figured maybe I should have an opinion. I’m not known for being opinionless on most matters, so why start now?

So I started doing some research on exactly what feminism is because I thought I knew and thought I was a feminist, but couldn’t understand why this topic was SUPER hot as of late. Dictonary.com defines feminism as “the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.” So it’s like DUH of course I’m a feminist, right? I mean based on this definition, I would think that EVERYONE would be a feminist. (Just go with me on this…) So if everyone is a feminist, then why do we even need to talk about feminism? But then you have idiots like THIS who remind us why we still need to talk about feminism. But the feminist movement of 2013 and 2014 seems very different than in previous decades and I assume that this is due, in large part, to the omnipresence of social media.

I’m conflicted. For example…

1) I think our country is LONG overdue for a woman President. And I think any of these chix would make pretty cool Presidents…

Wait…how did Yonce’s picture get in there!? That chick is EVERYWHERE!

2) Oh yeah, I use words like “chick” and “broad” in regular conversation. Like a lot. So there’s that.

3) I think that when a woman marries, she should take her husband’s last name.

4) But if the marriage unfortunately ends in divorce, generally speaking (not absolutely speaking), I don’t think a woman should be expected or rather REQUIRED to relinquish that name. A scene from What’s Love Got to Do With It (though fictional) comes to mind; when Tina Turner (Angela Bassett) is in the courtroom and proclaims that her husband Ike Turner (Laurence Fishburne) can have the money, but she’s keeping her name…<–THIS!

5)  I LOVE the 300 Sandwiches chick’s website and the whole concept behind it. Honestly, if someone were to tell me to make him 300 sandwiches and he’d propose (and make me a housewife, not just a wife), I’d make him 300 sandwiches TONIGHT. Every piece of pumpernickel, rye, sourdough, croissant, multigrain, mustard, honey mustard, spicy mustard, mayo, ketchup, horseradish, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, swiss, cheddar, muenster, mozzarella, provolone, tuna salad, chicken salad, shrimp salad, turkey, ham, pastrami, roast beef, peanut butter, honey, strawberry jelly, grape jelly, orange marmalade, you want it toasted, you want the crust cut off…

6) Way way back when ringtones were still cool, I had THIS as my ringtone. IT WAS MY JOINT!

7) And long after ringtones weren’t cool anymore but I still had them, THIS was my ringtone. It, too, was my joint!

8) I love rap music. I can’t express to you how much I love it. Every misogynistic, disgusting, disrespectful bit of it. And I revealed HERE how I struggle with this. But if you notice, there hasn’t been a part two to this post. Because I haven’t fully been able to figure this one out. This is a 20+ year habit so it hasn’t been easy to kick.

This is what the dashboard in my car looks like. picture via mrwallpaper.com

This is what the dashboard in my car looks like.
picture via mrwallpaper.com

9) I believe that there are clear man/husband duties and obvious woman/wife duties. For example, right now, I need gas, an oil change, a new battery, air in my tires, two other things I’ve yet to identify, and new windshield wipers. And have for a couple of months now. I think that those are the kinds of things that men do better. Meanwhile, while he is taking care of my car, I’ll be at home baking him a cake.  

Men don't let this happen to windshield wipers. Hercules + Pax + Titan

Men don’t let this happen to windshield wipers. Hercules + Pax + Titan

              10) Half the stuff the Twitter feminists tweet makes me cringe (like THIS for example). The other half (like THIS) I usually retweet.

11) I believe that we should wear bras, not burn them. And we should shave our armpits because if we don’t, that’s just gross. And I love GIRLS, but I think Lena Dunham should always wear clothes. Always, always, ALWAYS. I know she has the right to not wear clothes and I know a lot of very strong women fought for her to have that right. But she should wear clothes. And keep them on. ALLLLLLZ the way through the episode. Like every episode. Because otherwise, it’s gross.

12) I’m not a fan of public breastfeeding. I mean, I’m just not. It grosses me out. And every time I try to be open-minded and confront the (possible) flaws in my thinking, people go do stuff like THIS right here. And it completely closes my mind again and makes me throw up in my mouth.

13) Sarah Silverman is a natural born fool, so I have to quote her sparingly. But she said something that I really like: “Stop telling girls that they can be anything they want when they grow up. I think it’s a mistake. Not because they can’t do it, but because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn’t in the first place.” I agree wholeheartedly. And I would put that on a t-shirt if it wasn’t so long.

Sooo does this make me a moderate feminist? A bad feminist? Or a person who still doesn’t fully understand what it means to be a feminist? Thoughts?

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34 Things I Want to do Before I Turn 34

Being that I’m 33 3/4, I’ve decided that there are a few things that I need to scratch off my bucket list ASAP. There is no way I can turn 34 and not have done all of this. It would be shameful.

1) Drop an iTunes single. Not a day goes by that I don’t question why I went to college. I’m not exactly sure what I got out of it other than a bunch of student loans. (<–This is kinda a lie, but not really.) I shoulda gone with my heart and become a rapper. I got mad skillz, son. My current circle includes auditors, teachers, and congressional staffers. And everybody got a single, yo! I’m like what is MY life like that I don’t have a single on iTunes?! This is what I was born to do…I can drop similes and metaphors like no other. Lil Wayne gots nothing on me. And if I don’t become a rapper, I should at least become a DJ. How does DJ Foolishmagnet sound? Or should it just be DJ Magnet? You can tell I’ve been thinking about this a lot…

2) Go up to a man somewhere (anywhere) and tell him that he looks like my future ex-husband. Let me tell you a story. One day I was driving to work and stopped at a red light. A rather eager, distinguished-looking gentleman (“distinguished-looking”=old) motioned for me to roll down my window. “Maybe this very, very distinguished-looking man in a huge double-breasted suit and a very long Cadillac is lost,” I thought. “He needs directions. Or maybe he wants to let me know that my rear brake lights are out. How nice of him! I should probably roll the window down. You just never know!” So I roll it down. “I, I, I just gotta know…are you married, single, divorced or WHAT?!” Sigh. “Sir, you are old enough to be my great grandfather’s great grandfather. Let’s not do this.” Then I rolled my window back up and tried to ball off, but couldn’t…because the light was still red. So we just sat there. So yeah, one day in the next few months I want to introduce foolishness into someone else’s life for a change rather than it always being introduced into mine.

3) Make it through one yoga class without giggling. Just one! As you may know, I like to do yoga. Every once in a while, I do hot yoga.  The instructors are always so serious when they say, “Now we’re going to do ookatasanamammoomaksana shobbybobsina mamasaymamasamumakusa. Some of you may know it as tree pose.” I’m like, “MAN, why don’t you just say tree pose?!” You’re taking yourself too seriously trying to pronounce the real names! Cracks me up every time! If anybody should NOT take themselves so seriously, it’s a yogi!

 4) And speaking of yoga, I need to stop eating at Subway. According to the internets, Subway makes  (made?) its sandwiches out of yoga mats. Since the story broke that they were allegedly removing the yoga mats from their bread, I think I’ve been to Subway about three times. I keep forgetting. I should be more diligent. Have they removed them yet or nah?

5) Umbrella hitchhike. I got another story for you. Last year when I was at the Essence Festival, I stepped out of a cab and started walking to my destination for a night of exciting performances. It started to sprinkle and quickly transitioned into a full throttle storm. But I was prepared and had a mini-umbrella in my purse. A chick I’d never seen before a day in my life walked up to me, virtually hugging me and said, “I know you don’t mind if I share your umbrella, do you? I just got a relaxer.” I was stunned into silence. As it started to rain harder, I started to walk faster. Then the chick said, “Can you slow down a little? I have on really high heels and can’t walk that fast.” So what did I do? I walked even faster, of course, leaving her to melt in the rain and ponder on her selfish actions. Or umbrella hitchhike some other unsuspecting soul. WHO DOES THAT?! I’ve never even asked a stranger to invade their private space like that, let alone tell them. Actually now that I think about it, that wasn’t very cool at all when she did it to me, so maybe I won’t do this to someone else. So forget I said all of this.

6) Learn how to parallel park a car without having to take all my clothes off. Last story, I promise. I was meeting some friends to go to a comedy show and, fortunately, found a parking space close to the building. Unfortunately, I needed to parallel park to get in the space. Parallel parking, as you can imagine, is not my specialty.  So I called one of the friends I was meeting and was like, “Can you parallel park good?” He was like, “Um…is there a car in front of you AND behind you?” I’m like, “Yes. That’s kinda what constitutes the need for parallel parking.” Then there was a long, awkward pause. “You know what, let me try again and I’ll call you back once I’ve started walking.” “Ok, cool!” I took off every coat, scarf, shirt, shoe, earring, turned the heat down, turned the AC up, turned the music off, and rolled the windows down so I could be as unencumbered as possible. It was so crowded in that car and I was so claustrophobic and hot! Parallel parking is stressful! Especially when you’re on one of those skinny, one-way streets. Which I wasn’t, but I just thought I’d throw that in there. Anyway, people walking by were stopping and staring. One dude was walking his dog and he stopped and looked. Great. That’s just great. As if there weren’t enough humans laughing at me, now you go and bring a dog into this. Luckily the comedian was on CP time or I probably would have missed the show.

7) Stop lying. Did y’all REALLY think I was going to list 34 things? In the immortal words of the homie Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

 

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