What a Wonderful Whole New World

I’ll let you decide which of these is a more appropriate song to headline this post.

Not too long ago, I heard about this blogging contest called the “Create a World” contest. I immediately thought to myself, “I should enter this contest. I don’t know what the rules are or what, if anything, the reward is. But I REALLY SHOULD create a world.” So in typical foolish fashion, I started creating this world and hadn’t read any contest rules. I looked for an e-mail address to send my world to and promptly sent it off a few hours before the deadline. Later, it occurred to me that I should have read the rules to the contest. I don’t think this was exactly what they were looking for. And you’ve probably guessed by now that I didn’t win.

So I thought I’d share my world with you, my loyal readers. Here goes…

I want to make a lot of money really quick so that I can retire and buy a small to medium-sized continent. I thought about just buying a country but I felt like it would be too easy for people to slip across the border in a country, so I’d rather have a continent. That way I can better control who comes in. For the most part, everyone will be allowed but some people won’t. Like people who wear blue eye shadow on purpose. And people who pop gum.

I want it to be a place where everyone can go sockless year-round. As a matter of fact, socks will be banned from my continent. Actually, no. That doesn’t make any sense. So scratch that, you can wear socks if you want. Especially if you are a man wearing dress shoes.

I want to spend the bulk of my day lying flat on my back, looking at the sky (or ceiling if it’s raining) daydreaming.  Please note: It will only be allowed to rain 1-2 times per month because rain makes my hair frizzy, but I know it is necessary to make the flowers grow. And I like flowers. Except for when they make me sneeze.

And now that I think about it, I’m thinking WAY too small…I’m supposed to create a world, not just a continent! So let’s see…if I could create a WORLD, in addition to the things above, I would make it where narcissism is a perfectly acceptable character trait. In fact, it would be considered a virtue and would be required!  So the next time someone says to me, “Your hair is beautiful!” or “Your nails are really pretty!” it will be okay to respond with, “Yes. Yes, I know.” Anyone who is caught responding to a compliment with “Thank you!” will have to go sit in time-out.

And speaking of compliments, it will be perfectly acceptable to punch a person in his or her ear or kneecap a minimum of two times if they give you a backhanded compliment.  You know what a backhanded compliment is…one that is a hidden insult, whether intentional or unintentional. Something like, “OMG!! You’ve lost SO MUCH weight since the last time I saw you! I mean really…you look SO different. What did you do? OMG!”  What they’re really saying is, “You used to be REALLY fat! Did you starve yourself? Cuz now you’re a lot LESS fat!” In this particular example, you can punch them in their left ear or right kneecap or both (depending on if they call other people over to glare at your less-fatness or co-sign what they’re saying).

There would be periodic, yet mandatory pronunciation lessons for everyone. These lessons will give special emphasis to words like “realtor” and “nuclear” and other words that are frequently mispronounced. If you can prove that you already know how to properly pronounce these words, you will be granted permission to do something else during the lesson like work on a puzzle or write a love letter. Or paint your nails. You know, something that stimulates your brain. But you still have to come. The only way you can miss the lesson is if you have a doctor’s note.

And speaking of doctors, in my world, we probably wouldn’t need doctors because I wouldn’t allow anybody to get sick. But I would still keep a couple on hand, just in case. For example, if my world gets infiltrated by another world unknowingly and they bring over some horrible disease or something, we would need some doctors around to help cure it. But in general, if you have a doctor’s appointment that is scheduled for 3:00 p.m. you would ALWAYS hear the words “the doctor will see you now” at 3:00 p.m. Not 4:30. Not 3:45. 3:00 p.m.  And if the nurse calls you back to the room at 3:00 p.m., weighs you, takes your blood pressure, and asks you a zillion questions, the doctor better come in RIGHT behind the nurse! If there is more than 5 minutes between when the doctor arrives OR doc comes in and asks you ALL the same questions over again, let me know. I’ll put them all in time-out.

In any world I create, dessert would ALWAYS come first. A slice of Key Lime pie. A slug of caramel cake. And THEN if you have any room left, you’re allowed to have some sort of entrée. And then if you STILL have room left, you can have a salad. And all restaurants would be required to have at least 10 dessert options, and at least 5 of those options must be chocolate-free (see above examples). The current world we live in discriminates against those of us who are not chocolate freaks. So the new world I would create would end this discrimination! We should all be treated equally!

And speaking of food, I would ensure that those who regularly suffer from food envy (like myself) are offered the appropriate amount of counseling and support they need to recover from this illness. I would staff the counseling centers with people certified in teaching proper restaurant protocol. For example, they would teach you how to (1) make a freakin’ decision; (2) make the decision in a timely manner; (3) not change your order when the people’s food at the table next to yours comes out looking and smelling FABULOUS; (4) wait until the person at your table who orders something that looks or smells better than yours offers you some of their meal first…don’t ask for or take anything off their plate (but once they do offer, take full advantage of the opportunity); and (5) realize that it is just ONE meal! If it’s not good, it’s okay. There is always tomorrow…hopefully! And it shouldn’t be a big deal anyway if you had dessert first like you should have!

And finally, in my world, once I’ve spent a sufficient amount of time daydreaming, wallowing in my own narcissism, punching people in their kneecaps, painting my nails, putting people in time-out, eating caramel cake, and graduating from food-envy rehab, I would like to spend the rest of my days writing a screenplay that will be so awesome that it wouldn’t stand a chance at an Oscar!

That is all.

If you could create a world, what would it include or definitely NOT include? What would you require or disallow? Create your own “mini-world” in the comments section!

BTW, I’m a wee bit exhausted from creating that world so I might take periodic breaks from blogging over the next couple of months. But fret not! I still have plenty of treats lined up for you!

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I challenge you…TO A DUEL!

Before I begin, I’d like to make an administrative announcement. It has been called to my attention that when I release new posts, those subscribing to my blog have been receiving e-mails from a blank source or from WordPress directly, rather than from Magnet for Foolishness^TM. Therefore you may have thought that it was spam or it may have even gone to your spam folder. My apologies; it was operator-error. I think I’ve corrected this now, so please make sure you go back and read any of the posts you may have missed.   

Anyway, one lovely May 5^th, I got up at the butt crack o’ dawn around 10am to go to a Bikram Yoga class. Even though I was a little excited about the class, I was more excited about my lunch plans at a neighborhood Mexican restaurant with a friend after class. After all, it was Cinco de Mayo.  And if you’re wondering if I realize that ordering the #601 and eating my weight in chips and salsa totally cancels out the class I’d  just taken prior, then the answer is yes. Leave me alone.

Picture from 6 gun graphics

Ok, back to the story. After class, I went to the locker room to shower…actually, let me back up. Before class, I’d noticed this young lady that had on a super cool, very 80’s, torn shirt. Similar to the one over there, but cooler. Like something a Fame dancer would wear. I was slightly jealous because I was thinking that I’d never be able to wear a shirt like this while doing yoga for fear that a body part my slip through one of these slits as I tried to get into a pose. Even though the slits are in the back, trust me, I could make it happen! Ok, fast forward to the locker room again. As I’m about to shower, I noticed the torn shirt chick approach another chick in the locker room who was having a conversation with one of her friends. The torn shirt chick interrupted; it was pretty confrontational.  So with about 75 percent of my body already in the shower stall and the other 25 percent still intrigued by this conversation that had nothing to do with me, I decided that I would just stop pretending that I wasn’t eavesdropping. The conversation went something like this:

“Hey Selena*.”

“Oh. Hey Maria*.”

“Are you still with Raul*?”

“Yeah. Kinda. Sometimes. I don’t know. Why?”

“I just wondered. Are you happy? I’m happy. I’ve moved on now and I’m doing a lot of different stuff with my life.”

“Okay, well I see him sometimes, but why do you wanna know?”

“I just wondered if you were happy, that’s all.”

“Yeah, I’m happy.”

“Good. That’s good. I’m happy, too. Well…I hope you have a Happy Cinco de Mayo. Bye”

“Bye.”

I couldn’t help but think, “MAN, that chick was bold! Who just walks up and confronts a chick like that WITH her girlfriend in a slippery locker room?” Then I thought, “I’m glad they decided to (calmly) ‘fight’ in English because if they fought in Spanish I wouldn’t have been able to understand what they were saying.” Not that it would have stopped me from trying. BTW, I’ve FINALLY started my Rosetta Stone Spanish tutorials and I’m super excited about it! So far I’ve learned “una manzana roja”. Pretty impressive, huh? You should hear me say it…that is even more impressive! After a few minutes, I thought, “I should probably put all 100% of me in the shower so I can go eat.”

Picture of Pacquiao and Mayweather from Jewish Journal

A couple of days later, I was enjoying my day off, strolling through the downtown of another city in metro D.C.  I was on the prowl for a hat to go with this dress I bought last summer, but had never worn. Then I got distracted because I saw a Cold Stone Creamery in the distance. As I was walking towards Cold Stone, I passed a woman with a fro∙zen∙yo cup. And needless to say, THAT distracted me. You know, at this very moment, it occurs to me that I probably have an unhealthy relationship with food. (I know you’re probably thinking, “DUH!”) But I digress. Anyway, by this time I’d totally forgotten about my goal of finding a hat and had become preoccupied with deciding between Cold Stone and fro∙zen∙yo. As I walked purposefully, yet aimlessly along the sidewalk, I was again distracted by a pedestrian standing in the middle of a nearby crosswalk cursing this guy in a Fiat OUT! Apparently, he didn’t stop quickly enough for her comfort level…or maybe he didn’t stop at all, I couldn’t really tell. Alls I know is that she was UNhappy.  Dude said something to her from inside his car that I could not hear and she told him to get out of the car…and that’s exactly what he did. I thought, “You’ve GOT to be kidding me!! ALL ya gurl wanted to do was go get some ice cream, and now y’all are about to fight and make me have to watch!” I think everyone else in a 3 block radius had this same thought because everyone that could stop and watch, did. With their smart phones capturing every moment. So I thought, “Good idea. Let me get my phone out, cuz you never know where this might lead.” By this time, the pedestrian and the driver are within a few feet of each other. The pedestrian is accompanied by a male (I couldn’t tell what his relationship to her was) who jumped in to semi-defend the woman and semi-try to defuse the situation, while semi-looking like, “What just happened? Where am I?” So we’re all recording this debacle when two “courtesy officers” approach. (I’m not sure what the appropriate term for them is. But what I wanna say is they are the kind of police that have a uniform, but no gun.) One of the officers walks up to one woman and tells her to stop recording. He says something like, “We don’t need this on tape.” REALLY?? Rather than trying to break up Mayweather and Pacquiao** over there, you’re wasting your time on the woman RECORDING the argument? REALLY?!” So the argument continues in the middle of the street. The driver—who I forgot to mention is wearing skin-tight, fire engine red pants—yells to the pedestrian, “You’re the provocateur! YOU challenged ME to get out of MY car! What would have happened if I whooped you AND him? YOU’RE THE PROVOCATEUR!” About this time, I’m thinking, “MAN! Why are you using big words? Now is not the time! And big French words at that.” And then I thought, “Y’all need to hurry it up, cuz it’s about to be rush hour here shortly and I need to go cuz I’m not trying to get stuck in traffic.” So after cursing each other out in the middle of the street for a while, I think they both ran out of energy and interest and parted ways. Which is good, because it was also starting to sprinkle and I’d just gotten my hair done.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I decided to go to fro∙zen∙yo.

Did you witness any duels this week? Were you challenged to any duels? Or were you the “PROVOCATEUR”?? Share that story and any other foolishness you encountered this week in the comments section.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent…and the fact that I totally don’t remember any of their real names.

**I realize that, as of the date of this post, these two haven’t fought yet. But they were the first two names that came to mind.

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Turn-ons, must-haves(?), and dealmakers for the future Mr. Magnet

My favoritest animated movie of all time

I have several friends that have been asking me for about a year to do a post on dating and relationships. Particularly my dating and relationship “adventures”. But I choose to leave the past in the past, and focus on the future. For those of you who keep worrying me (though I know you do it with the best intentions), I decided to write this post to appease you! Since you seem to be more preoccupied with finding Mr. Magnet than I am (I mean, I do have a lot on my plate…like, for example, updating this blog twice a month), I’ve created this search guide just for you!

Please take heed and enjoy because when it comes to writing about dating and relationships, this is all you’re gonna get from me! Some of these aren’t necessarily requirements (R), but they are very strong preferences (P). For your convenience, I’ve delineated between the two. About the future Mr. Magnet…

1) He can correctly identify the movie from which these lines come (P): “I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt…cuz I like to party so I like my Jesus to party.” Here’s a hint—————————————————->

2) He knows how to give a compliment (R). On an almost daily basis, I hear: “How ya doing today, Ms. Lady? You look just as good as ever as you did yesterday as usual as always.” That is NOT a typo. Nor is it an exaggeration. I have eyewitnesses. And please know that I am a woman who recognizes, enjoys, and knows how to accept and return a good compliment. But a compliment similar to the one above is simply exhausting.

3) He can teach me how to Dougie (P). My Dougie is not as good as I think it should be. So if he can teach me how to Dougie (and not laugh at me while I’m trying to learn), he might be a keeper.

4) He has a major sweet tooth (P). My baking skills are improving, and right now I can put my foot in (as we say down south) a couple of different cakes. I’m still working on the pies. A post recounting my baking endeavors is in the works. And sometimes, because I am such an awesome baker now, I only want my own cakes. But I only have a craving for a SLICE of cake. Of course, you can’t bake just a slice you have to bake the whole cake. And I know I could bake cupcakes, but they’re not the same. So I need somebody there to pick up my slack.

5) He understands that I regularly talk about celebrities and public figures in everyday conversation as if they’re my BFFs (R). And he’s okay with it. For example, when I say, “Janet hasn’t been on Twitter in a while…I wonder if she’s okay?” or “Michelle’s new haircut is super-cute! Have you seen it?” or even “Bethenny dresses Bryn in the cutest little outfits!” he knows exactly who I’m talking about. He doesn’t have to ask. And he doesn’t think I’m weird.

6) HE DOESN’T SEND ME TEXTS, TWEETS, OR E-MAILS IN ALL CAPS (P). Not on a regular basis, at least. I understand if he’s in a hurry or if his caps lock is on and he didn’t realize it. No need to re-type because of that. There is a piece of fineness named Lamman Rucker (again, see here) who usually tweets in all caps. And, as fine as he is, I might have to unfollow him. I JUST DON’T LIKE BEING YELLED AT BY LETTERS.

7) He agrees that there is no reason whatsoever to pass horrible family names on to our children. (R). I feel very strongly about this. But this is for way down the road, of course…if and when we get to that point. If his name is Cleophus Aloysius Numbnuts III, PLEASE KNOW that there will NOT be a fourth. No disrespect to his father or grandfather but we are NOT continuing this legacy. I can’t do anything about the Numbnuts part; so I will be a Numbnuts and the baby boy will be a Numbnuts, bless his heart. But our son will NOT be a Cleophus Aloysius. Also, we are not combining names because it is so obvious when people do that…and it never works. For example, no kid named Magneophus . I love the future Mr. Magnet already, but no. Just…no. End of discussion.

Okay, so there you have it. THERE is your list. This should be enough to get you started and off my nerves for a little while, right? Love you!

Oh yeah…I still want FULL audience participation on this one. So tell me: What qualities do you look for (or if you’ve already found your soul mate did you look for) in a significant other? My list is totally reasonable, right? RIGHT?!

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Is there a message in this massage?

Because times are hard and I’m not rich (yet), I decided to put the moolah for my monthly massage membership (try saying that three times fast) towards other, more necessary things. Like, for example, sushi, pedicures, and a crown –>which, in hindsight, probably should have been a root canal. Besides, with the advent of Groupon, you can now get a whole boat load of massages for a nickel.

Picture via everydayfunnyfunny

Anyway, as I contemplated canceling the massage membership, I got to thinking about some very memorable massage experiences I’ve had over the past couple of years. Some of them were at my regular spa, and some were other places. After one of my more recent experiences, I left feeling like I’d been taken on a roller coaster ride…I was so nauseous when I left the spa! This led me to recall a few other memorable massage experiences…

A few years ago, I had my first (and probably last) Thai massage. For those of you not familiar with the Thai massage technique, the massage therapist stands on your back and uses her feet to massage you. Yes. You read that correctly. But I’ll type it again…she stands on your back and uses her feet to massage you. I’ve been told that there are other versions of a Thai massage that aren’t this extensive, but this is the version that I received. Before we began, the massage therapist asked me if I’d like light pressure. Insulted that this teeny tiny woman thought I could only handle light pressure, I said, “No. FIRM pressure!” I wanted my money’s worth. And firm pressure is exactly what I got. This woman proceeded to kick my butt (figuratively and literally) for the next hour. When the hour was up, I felt like I’d been Kung Fu fighting…and lost.

One time after receiving a deep tissue massage, the massage therapist said to me, “I’m not sure what they’ve been doing to you at work, but you need to tell them to stop cuz your body was jacked up! You just made me work really hard.” This is an exact quote! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry…but later decided to laugh to keep from crying.

Another time I had a massage therapist tell me that she wanted to do a “skin assessment” before she began the massage. Even though I thought it was unusual, I agreed. So she turned on the lights(!) and began examining the skin on my back. Then she proceeded to tell me that I had back acne or “backne” as some people like to call it. So I know I can’t really see my back as well as other people may be able to see it, but let me tell you what I DON’T have and have NEVER had…BACKNE!! I went home that night and practically LAID (or LAY(?) since the green squiggly line just popped up under laid) on the mirror trying to find the spots this woman was talking about and found nothing. During this same massage, the woman told me that my hips were out of alignment and if I kept coming to her, she could help me get them re-aligned. So lady are you a massage therapist or a chiropractor? Or a personal trainer? Or a dermatologist?

Last year while traveling with some friends, we decided last minute to get massages at a massage school close to our hotel. I told the student that I’d like a nice, relaxing Swedish massage. But she insisted that a “Trager” style massage would be better. So I conceded, recognizing that she probably needed the practice in something other than Swedish. Besides, I’d never heard of “Trager” and was somewhat curious based on the way she described it. Anyway, as the massage proceeded, I felt like she was making me fight myself. Literally. She was making my right leg kick my other leg. She would also pick my arm up and then just drop it trying to force me to make my body limp! I’ve seen parents of toddlers do this to their child to determine whether or not they were really asleep. But don’t do this to an adult who is clearly awake, woman! I was lying there with my eyes closed trying to be serious and not laugh, all the while wondering if she was laughing at me. This woman also told me that she noticed a difference in my glutes and asked if they felt any different. “Well…um…no…” I replied. She said maybe one buttock bears more weight than the other because “I definitely feel a difference.” Really? Thanks. Because what I needed was to have one more body thing to worry about. Yeah. Thanks, lady.

A few months ago, I had my first four-handed massage. It was a surprise since I didn’t pay for any extra hands and they didn’t tell me in the beginning that there would be extra hands. But anyway, it was weird cuz it was like the second person was trying to help the first person get finished sooner…only I paid for a full hour so whether it was 2 hands or 20, y’all aren’t gonna get finished any sooner! I swear it was the (2^nd) most confusing massage I ever got. You remember when you went to the doctor when you were little and your Mama tried to distract you while the doctor gave you a shot? That’s kinda what it felt like; I was being tricked. And there was one point when I felt like they were trying to pull my foot out of its socket. I guess that was supposed to be a part of the thrill? Also, they accidentally dripped some massage oil on my jacket which I called to their attention when I got ready to pay. The chick told me that it was just olive oil and should wash right out. Really? So you just rubbed me down with some Filippo Berio? WORD?!?

Have you ever experienced any of this? Got any other interesting massage stories? Share them with me in the comments section.

P.S. I would like to note that I consider all of these massage sessions (with the exception of the roller coaster ride) to be successful because I survived. And I laughed.

My Top 11 Favoritest Non-Rap Songs of All Time

I’m not a liar. I may be a bit forgetful, but I’m not a liar. I told y’all last summer that I was going to do a post about “The Top Most Greatest Non-Rap Songs of all Time”. I tweaked the title a little, choosing to violate both spelling and grammar rules rather than just grammar. But luckily, the list itself has been completed for a while and was just sittin’ around chillin’ cuz…well…I forgot about it.

About a year ago, I wrote this post about my confusing/disappointing/dying love affair with rap music. It spawned many music-centered discussions with people. Although I once considered rap my favorite genre of music, I’ve always listened to all kinds. Sadly, I don’t feel like ANY of the genres are as good now as they once were. But hey, that’s a whole nother post, right?

So, friends, these are my top 11 favoritest non-rap songs of all time. I tried to just do 10 for the sake of conforming to industry standards (whatever that means). But then I remembered that this is MY blog and I’ve never conformed to standards before, so why start now?

Here we go…

11) Bonnie Raitt – “Something To Talk About” (1991)

This is a cool bluesy, pop, country song. Bonnie’s voice is very relaxing to me. And this is one of those songs that’s easy to sing along with…which is important to people like me who can’t carry a tune, but still try.

10)  TLC – “Creep” (1994)

The video sealed the deal for me on this song. This was the first video that TLC had that was a real video and this was also the first time we saw them without all the condoms hanging off their clothes. I really liked the colors in the video, the choreography (which to this day, I can still do), and especially the horns.

9) [tie]  Otis Redding - “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long” (1965)

If you look up soulful in the dictionary, you would find a picture of this man singing this song. You know, if pictures in dictionaries did that kind of thing. His voice is so comforting and familiar to me, like I knew him. Sorta like he was my uncle or cousin or something. And it is interesting that he was so young (24 years old) when he recorded this song. He’d undoubtedly experienced a lot during his short life.

9) [tie] Aretha Franklin – “Natural Woman”  (1967)

The first time I can recall really paying attention to this song was when I heard it in a Chic commercial for some mom jeans circa 1989. Funny thing is that I didn’t really appreciate it or pay close attention to the lyrics until Mary J. Blige re-made it in 1996. Props to Mary – I love her, too, mind you. But I think even she would agree that no one can sing this song quite like the Queen of Soul.

8 ) Donny Hathaway – “Giving Up” (1971) and “A Song for You” (1971) 

I can’t decide which one because I LOVE them both. So I guess this is another tie. Mr. Hathaway’s cover of both of these songs is painfully beautiful and beautifully painful. This man is easily the best male vocalist ever. His voice is absolutely flawless and he is the only one whose voice does the lyrics to either song justice. IMHO.

7) Evanescence - “My Immortal” (2004)

I fell in love with this song the very first time I heard it. It’s one of those songs where you think, “How did they steal all of the thoughts out of my head? And how can I get royalties?” I especially enjoyed that I could understand all the words in the song, which is not something I could say for a lot of their alternative/rock peers at that time.

6) Prince – “Kiss” (1986)

This song came out when I was 5 years old. I thought Prince was so awesome that my birthday cake that year (for my 6^th birthday) had this picture from the Parade album cover on it. [Note: This is not a joke. There are pictures somewhere of me and this cake.] Sure, the lyrics were a little risqué (and by a little, I mean a lot) for a kindergartener.  Or I guess they were…most of the time I couldn’t really understand what he was saying. But back then I would make up my own words if I didn’t understand exactly what the singer was saying.  I’ve been known to do this as an adult, too, on occasion. There was a point during “Kiss” when I thought he was saying, “My love will be your food.” And later I learned that he was actually saying, “My love will be your food.” Sooo…maybe that wasn’t the best example. Anywho…

[Ok...so...Prince DOES. NOT. PLAY. when it comes to copyright protection. This video is very hard to find. But try this link: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9wu33_prince-kiss_music. Hopefully, they won't take it down before I publish this post!]

5) Michael Jackson – “The Way You Make Me Feel” (1987)  

Even at 7 years old, you COULD NOT tell me that Michael wasn’t singing this song directly to me. And only me. Despite the fact that there was some other chick who WASN’T me in the video. It took me years to stop hating Ola Mae (the girl from the Thriller video), so to deal with the heartbreak of again not being selected for one of his videos was not easy.

4) Aaliyah – “One in a Million” (1996)

I LOVE the irregular beat of this song. I can’t remember if it was a Timbaland or Missy Elliott beat, but the lyrics, combined with Aaliyah’s voice, style, and dance moves in the video = Perfection.

3) Al Green – “Simply Beautiful” (1972)

Another song I fell in love with the second I heard it. It was featured in the movie Disappearing Acts, but not on the movie soundtrack. Even though I had never heard the song before, I instantly recognized it as Al Green’s voice. At the time, I pulled one of those numbers where you go into Bob’s Used CD store and sing the song to the guy who works there to try to figure out what it is. I recall him kindly suppressing his laughter as he called his co-workers over to listen to me sing the song and help us figure out what the song was.  However, they didn’t suppress their laughter. None of them were any help. But I eventually found the song anyway.

2) Janet Jackson – “I Get Lonely” (1998)

Yet another song that was already great but made so much better by the video and awesome choreography. I recently realized (and by recently, I mean like last week) that, although I can do most of this routine, I learned it backwards because I do it in the same direction as she does it on TV! So I should have learned it on the reverse side. I mean, this might not seem important, but in the event I am ever asked to be a back-up dancer for Janet I need to be able to do the routine in the right direction. So I may be absent from blogging for a few weeks while I re-learn all this. Janet was, is, and will always be my girl!

1) Lauryn Hill and D’Angelo – “Nothing Even Matters” (1998)

I get tingles up and down my spine EVERY time I hear this song. The lyrics. The instruments. The snaps. The voices. Nuff said.

So I realize that this might be cheating, but after I compiled this list of 11 (ok, 13) songs I thought, “This was WAY too easy. 31+ years of listening to music (and obviously a couple of these songs are older than I am) and I came up with this list in about 20 minutes…surely there is something I missed!” And I was right—as I usually am. So here are some honorable mentions that missed my list by this much. In no particular order:

• “Exhale (Shoop Shoop)” and “My Love is Your Love“ – Whitney Houston
• “U Got it Bad” – Usher Raymond
• “Uninvited” – Alanis Morissette
• “When Can I See You Again?” – Babyface
• “Do What it Do” – Jamie Foxx
• “Come and Talk to Me” – Jodeci
• “Early in the Morning” and “You Dropped a Bomb on Me” – The Gap Band (I can’t decide between these two…and honestly, they sound just alike anyway)
• “Dreaming with a Broken Heart” – John Mayer (not the biggest fan of him when his mouth is talking, but when his mouth is singing, that’s a whole nother story…)
• “Ribbon in the Sky” – Stevie Wonder
• “Lady Marmalade” – Patti LaBelle (NOT the Moulin Rouge chix)
• “Tell Me Something Good” – Chaka Khan ft. Rufus

 What are some of your favorite songs? And why? Share them with me in the comments section!

What gets put on a to-do list…gets put on a to-do list.

I don’t know about you, but one sure-fire way to guarantee that I WON’T do something is to put that something on a to-do list. I have “running” to-do lists all over the place. And those to-do lists literally feel like they’re running away from me! I’ve told myself that if the stuff sits on the list undone long enough, it will become less important. Or better yet, if it’s on the list for an extended period of time it clearly wasn’t really that important in the first place. It’s amazing how NOT important something turns out to be. Or, no, wait…that sounds kinda mean.  So, what I meant to say was that I think stuff is totally important, it’s just that their relevance, prominence, and dominance in my life is slightly diminished by my inability to care. Was that nicer? Like for example….

• Mailing these postcards.—————–>
  

  Please ignore the D.C. postmark...

  If you recall, I went on vacation to the Dominican Republic last Fall. While looking for some jewelry I’d misplaced, I came across these postcards in my suitcase. I guess I was supposed to mail these while I was still in the DR, right? My apologies Unc, Mama, BFF, and anybody else I promised to mail postcards to. I’m pretty sure you weren’t holding your breath for these, but I’ll try to get them in the mail to you next week. 

• Reading blog posts. As I’m typing this, I have 41, 43, 44 unread blog posts (and still growing) sitting in my inbox.  I don’t know if I should start with the most recent and work my way back, or the oldest and work my way forward. Or delete them all and start anew next week. Thing is, they NEVER stop. And they’re not spam because I signed up for them and enjoy reading and commenting on them. I fell behind ONE day and it just snowballed out of control. *sigh* 

• Getting my oil changed.  So remember I told y’all here about the hard lessons learned/the difference between owning a Civic and owning an Accord? Well, I’m hoping that the rules that apply for getting gas in a timely fashion DON’T apply for getting your oil changed in a timely fashion because I’m slightly over what the recommended mileage is. And by slightly, I mean about a thousand miles.   

• Filling out my brackets for March Madness. Can I still do this? Cuz I really want to…My vote is for Tennessee girls and Memphis guys to go all the way!

• Doing my taxes. Not a lot to say about this one. It has been on my list since January. And the time has come. This is one list item that refuses to be ignored!

What things are (chronically) on your to-do list? Have you done your taxes yet? Wanna do mine?! Share with me in the comments section.

P.S. I’m sure by now you’ve come to the conclusion that this post was my attempt at a clever Part 2 for my last post. I had to break it up…I couldn’t put all that foolishness in one place.

The top 7 signs that you need to get your life together

Image from pressieport.ie

1) You tear your house up looking for something really important that you never find. But in the process, you find some other stuff that is way importanter that you never even missed! So not good.

2) You just noticed that those thousands of Groupons you bought last year ALL expire in the next 3 weeks. So you’ve been a kickboxing, speed dating, chair dancing, massage-getting, zumba-ing, Lebanese food-eating, car wash-redeeming, downward facing dog fool trying to play catch up!

3) You forgot (again) that you had a blog until somebody said, “Hey, I haven’t gotten any new posts from you in a while…”

4) This happened to you TWICE this week. And it’s just Tuesday.

5) You washed (and dried) two loads of laundry…before realizing that you forgot to add detergent to the wash…

6) You’ve missed like the last 4 episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta. The last one you saw was when they first arrived in South Africa. You’re really disappointed in yourself for falling so far behind.

7) You found some eyelash growth stuff that you won at your dermatologist’s Christmas party a few years ago. You discover that the bottle expires in one month and figure that you should use it since, even though you got it for free, the stuff is pretty expensive in real life. So you start using it and determine very quickly that in your haste to not waste (ha! that rhymed!), you may be overusing it. Cuz now you have all these crazy eyelashes growing in every direction! And it’s inhibiting your vision…so you’re probably gonna have to trim your eyelashes and start growing them out again naturally, when you could have just not used this stuff in the first place…

Has any of this happened to you recently? If so, please take some time out to get your life together…and definitely share your stories in the comments section!